Top 100 Larry David Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “Did Bill Clinton actually think that he could get blow jobs from a Jewish woman and there would be no consequences?”

— Larry David

52. “You have to discover when you’re inadequate to be funny and you don’t know you’re inadequate when you’re a kid.”

— Larry David

53. “My life has changed. I’m not walking around any more wishing I wasn’t me, which was the case at one time.”

— Larry David

54. “Anytime I’m involved with anything that’s well-received, it’s a surprise to me.”

— Larry David

55. “Making a woman laugh. What is that about? And the prettier the woman, the more satisfaction I get. It doesn’t make any sense, but I’m being honest.”

— Larry David

56. “I’d like to start a family, but you have to have a date first.”

— Larry David

57. “Anything that’s for free, people will take. They don’t discriminate.”

— Larry David

58. “When I was living in New York and didn’t have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I’d think, that’ll be good, that’ll be a good spot for me when I’m homeless.”

— Larry David

59. “Millions of people are married. I’ve never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, Man Gets Married!”

— Larry David

60. “Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.”

— Larry David

61. “Whenever something good happens to me, it’s usually followed by something terrible.”

— Larry David

62. “Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on!”

— Larry David

63. “I’m not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There’s no closure.”

— Larry David

64. “I think golf is literally an addiction. I’m surprised there’s not Golf Anonymous.”

— Larry David

65. “I’m a jerk, that’s who I am. I’m like everybody else.”

— Larry David

66. “I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out.”

— Larry David

67. “My background is degradation and sloth, mostly.”

— Larry David

68. “I’m anti-cheese in a salad.”

— Larry David

69. “I’m Larry David. I happen to enjoy wearing women’s panties.”

— Larry David

70. “I’m surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted.”

— Larry David

71. “It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas.”

— Larry David

72. “All of a sudden I discovered that I’m allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it.”

— Larry David

73. “Hitler really ruined that mustache for everybody. It’s really an interesting mustache, but now, no one can wear it.”

— Larry David

74. “I never thought for a second that anything I ever did was going to make someone cringe. That never occurred to me.”

— Larry David

75. “Zero, zero belief in myself. And it’s changed somewhat, but there’s still a lot of that in me.”

— Larry David

76. “I just feed off the energy of the audience.”

— Larry David

77. “I couldn’t be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War.”

— Larry David

78. “If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable.”

— Larry David

79. “The only change I can really see is that I don’t have to shop for pants in stores anymore.”

— Larry David

80. “I don’t write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that’s going to happen. There’s an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then we improvise it.”

— Larry David

81. “I don’t like to analyze my music too much. It just comes welling up out of the depths of my soul.”

— Larry David

82. “If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn’t know who I was, she would run away.”

— Larry David

83. “And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me.”

— Larry David

84. “I don’t like people cleaning my room.”

— Larry David

85. “I tell people that I’ve now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently.”

— Larry David

86. “It’s not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn’t happen that often.”

— Larry David

87. “I’m really only happy when I’m on stage. I just feed off the energy of the audience. That’s what I’m all about – people and laughter.”

— Larry David

88. “I once stopped to pick up a girl, and then there was this creepy-looking guy standing behind the bushes waiting to jump out and get in, too. So I just quickly drove away.”

— Larry David

89. “The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it’s the best of both worlds. There’s a lot to be said for it.”

— Larry David

90. “There are times when I’m driving home after a day’s shooting, thinking to myself, That scene would’ve been so much better if I had written it out.”

— Larry David

91. “Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of licence and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn’t normally.”

— Larry David

92. “I just wanted laughs – that’s really what I was after.”

— Larry David

93. “I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian.”

— Larry David

94. “Sure, being a reservist wasn’t as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror.”

— Larry David

95. “The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don’t like to have hot food for lunch.”

— Larry David

96. “Perhaps I have a wider range than I’d given myself credit for.”

— Larry David

97. “You write about what you know.”

— Larry David

98. “Woody Allen likes to do a lot of master shots. He likes to get the whole thing in one take, and so you could be going along doing a scene, and then the next to last line, all of a sudden, you stumble, and you have to go back to first base.”

— Larry David

99. “It has to do – I think – with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time.”

— Larry David

100. “There’s a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation.”

— Larry David