Top 100 Larry David Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “A good compromise is when both parties are dissatisfied.”

— Larry David

2. “A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.”

— Larry David

Featured in: Romance Quotes

3. “I don’t like talking to people I KNOW, but strangers, I have no problem with.”

— Larry David

4. “Pretty good. Pretttttttty, pretttttttttty, pretttttty good.”

— Larry David

5. “When you’re not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.”

— Larry David

6. “Give a guy a girlfriend and a great job, he doesn’t need therapy.”

— Larry David

7. “I find human contact repulsive.”

— Larry David

8. “If you tell the truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny.”

— Larry David

9. “Sometimes you have to wander a bit, and do what you don’t want to in order to figure out what it is you’re supposed to do.”

— Larry David

10. “Who do you think has more freedom: the married man in America or the single man in Communist China?”

— Larry David

11. “I’m a walking, talking enigma. We’re a dying breed.”

— Larry David

12. “I’m trying to elevate small-talk to medium talk.”

— Larry David

13. “You can’t do anything in life. The social barriers in life are so intense and horrific that every encounter is just fraught with so many problems and dread. Every social situation is a potential nightmare.”

— Larry David

14. “I need to be on drugs to connect with nature.”

— Larry David

15. “Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.”

— Larry David

16. “Women love a self-confident bald man.”

— Larry David

17. “I got a Swede lawyer?!? She’s gonna get everything!”

— Larry David

18. “I’ve been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don’t need to know anymore.”

— Larry David

19. “I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors – the thieves don’t impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.”

— Larry David

20. “Luck always plays a part for everyone, whether they want to admit it or not. I was very lucky, and I know it.”

— Larry David

21. “I’m not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges.”

— Larry David

Featured in: Romance Quotes

22. “I’m surprized Hitler didn’t round up the toupee people.”

— Larry David

23. “Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.”

— Larry David

24. “I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic.”

— Larry David

25. “I think we’re all good and bad, but good’s not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.”

— Larry David

26. “There’s nothing that reflects me. I’m unreflectable!”

— Larry David

27. “Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn’t involve a woman.”

— Larry David

28. “Golf and dating don’t mix.”

— Larry David

29. “Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.”

— Larry David

30. “I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money – this is the guy who needs to laugh.”

— Larry David

31. “Weathermen merely forecast rain to keep everyone else off the golf course.”

— Larry David

32. “Do not degrade me in the military uniform I wear for it represents the love I have for my country, and the sacrifices myself and millions of other American soldiers make everyday to protect the freedom we enjoy by living in the United States of America.”

— Larry David

33. “Switzerland is a place where they don’t like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.”

— Larry David

34. “I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.”

— Larry David

35. “I don’t like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide.”

— Larry David

36. “I learned the first night that IHOP’s not the place to order fish.”

— Larry David

37. “I gave a funny speech at my wife’s birthday party, and I’m thinking, ‘Hey, I’ve still got it.’”

— Larry David

38. “Being Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm was the best thing to happen to Larry David in life.”

— Larry David

39. “A place to go – that’s what my mother always instilled in me. You need a place to go. And you’re worthless unless you have a place to go.”

— Larry David

40. “I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.”

— Larry David

41. “Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I’m deaf and I try to imagine what it’s like not to be able to hear them. It’s not that bad.”

— Larry David

42. “I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them.”

— Larry David

43. “I don’t think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It’s not even interesting to me.”

— Larry David

Featured in: Reading Quotes

44. “I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.”

— Larry David

45. “It’s always good to take something that’s happened in your life and make something of it comedically.”

— Larry David

46. “I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word ‘happy’ has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, ‘happy.’”

— Larry David

47. “I have no sense of well-being. There’s no chance the well will run dry.”

— Larry David

48. “Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m Jewish.”

— Larry David

49. “Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I’m very casual about it.”

— Larry David

50. “I’ve led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation.”

— Larry David