Top 120 Lewis Black Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “Glenn Beck has Nazi Tourettes’.”

— Lewis Black

52. “FEMA I always thought was a bone here in your ass.”

— Lewis Black

53. “If you yell about one woman, you’re not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn’t make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I’m a misogynist.”

— Lewis Black

54. “Johnny Vassilaros is the man who has created the finest cup of coffee ever served in the city of New York.”

— Lewis Black

55. “Parenting isn’t just parenting your own child.”

— Lewis Black

56. “Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, ‘I’m running for president.’”

— Lewis Black

57. “Going up to Canada is great because I’m not dealing with people carrying their agendas into the room. I’m lucky because 97% of the people who come to the show know who they are dealing with, whether they are on the left or the right, we’re sharing the same frustration.”

— Lewis Black

58. “Wow, you survived a blackout. You’re made of stronger stuff than ice cream.”

— Lewis Black

59. “He smiles so much, I don’t think he has a central nervous system.”

— Lewis Black

60. “You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I’m concerned.”

— Lewis Black

61. “No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It’s your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn’t mean they bought the rest of your life.”

— Lewis Black

62. “The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should vote for her so that she’ll feel better about herself because she’d been in such a bad marriage.”

— Lewis Black

63. “If you’re going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you’d better be sure that God has faith in them.”

— Lewis Black

64. “Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We’ll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: ‘Did I have a thought today?’ You’ll have to go to your ‘Thought’ app!”

— Lewis Black

65. “I’m not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I’m not. So it’s hard for me to come up with things, because I don’t write stuff, I don’t write my act down.”

— Lewis Black

66. “I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don’t have to show up to work until 14 hours later.”

— Lewis Black

67. “Some people have religion as a means of solace. But, I had a dreidel, so that was out.”

— Lewis Black

68. “Pursue whatever it is that you want to do with your life. It is the only secret to happiness that I know except for maybe true love, that and maybe having the amazing health insurance plan that our congressmen have.”

— Lewis Black

69. “One of the interesting things about comedy is it’s tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.”

— Lewis Black

70. “Most of the longer-term relationships I’ve known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer.”

— Lewis Black

71. “The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning.”

— Lewis Black

72. “That’s the funny thing about religion: it doesn’t matter what you say, you’re going to upset someone.”

— Lewis Black

73. “Nobody in college races home and says, ‘I can’t wait to see the news! I can’t wait to see who CBS is going to hire!’”

— Lewis Black

74. “These ballot initiatives remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn’t make Midwesterners feel icky!”

— Lewis Black

75. “There is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bllodeshot eye.”

— Lewis Black

76. “In a series of wonderful essays, Evan Handler gives himself up to us – warts and all. To our amusement and bemusement we share in his emotional growth as he struggles to mature. I not only laughed along with him but felt that I too had grown a little along the way. Who could ask for more?”

— Lewis Black

77. “You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy.”

— Lewis Black

78. “When I’m funny is when I’m angriest.”

— Lewis Black

79. “I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I’m not.”

— Lewis Black

80. “Democrats are like a big tortoise that’s on its back and can’t get up; you can’t make jokes about that.”

— Lewis Black

81. “The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling “The British are coming! The British are coming!””

— Lewis Black

82. “The whole Valentine’s thing is fine, but you don’t back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.”

— Lewis Black

83. “If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I’d read War and Peace four times.”

— Lewis Black

84. “I hammer on a theme until I’m tired of it and the audience is tired of it.”

— Lewis Black

85. “You know. I don’t think I’m gonna be Jewish for very long.”

— Lewis Black

86. “Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents – doesn’t work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He’s already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem...”

— Lewis Black

87. “None of this seems to affect the leadership, that people don’t go out to vote, that they don’t feel the need to go vote, that they already feel disenfranchised. It’s not just Obama’s fault or Clinton’s or whomever’s, it’s all of them, the whole collection of clowns I’ve had to sit through.”

— Lewis Black

88. “Glenn Beck is offended! Glenn Beck thinks playing the Nazi card is going too far. Glenn Beck. this is a guy who uses more Swastika props and video of the Nuremberg rallies than the History Channel.”

— Lewis Black

89. “I’ve always been a social network retard, even before there was a social network. People would say, “You want to go to this party and do some networking?””

— Lewis Black

90. “Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they’re supposed to do, and they sure can’t do math!”

— Lewis Black

91. “My hate of Apple has moved into a hate of Facebook.”

— Lewis Black

92. “Now, most of the time you couldn’t be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff was always of a very high quality, because back then we didn’t have business majors peddling lower-quality stuff in an effort to increase profits.”

— Lewis Black

93. “A lot of the times I’m looking at something that I discover is part of a larger framework and not just a couple jokes. I see that it’s a set, a story that I’ll be telling. Sometimes I get lost in that.”

— Lewis Black

94. “If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school.”

— Lewis Black

95. “Everybody’s family has different values.”

— Lewis Black

96. “I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.”

— Lewis Black

97. “Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.”

— Lewis Black

98. “There should be a law that you can’t shut down the government – that you don’t have that power.”

— Lewis Black

99. “Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn’t a person. “Excuse me, sir, why haven’t you paid your taxes.” “Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person.” “Well, you look like a person.” “No it’s all done with mirrors, trust me!””

— Lewis Black

100. “I’m constantly in fear of having a stroke.”

— Lewis Black