Top 120 Lewis Black Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.”

— Lewis Black

2. “If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.”

— Lewis Black

3. “Do you know what ‘meteorologist’ means in English? It means liar.”

— Lewis Black

4. “Just relax and breathe through your ass.”

— Lewis Black

5. “Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know – because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.”

— Lewis Black

6. “We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of NO ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a party of BAD ideas.”

— Lewis Black

7. “North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.”

— Lewis Black

8. “I am Batman. That’s who I am, who are you?”

— Lewis Black

9. “I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. I love music because it’s really just – I tried to play piano as a kid. I was awful. It didn’t help, and this is absolutely true, that my piano teacher had arthritis. And that’s not a good way to learn.”

— Lewis Black

10. “What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.”

— Lewis Black

11. “Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.”

— Lewis Black

12. “Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn’t funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, ‘What did he say?’”

— Lewis Black

13. “On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes.”

— Lewis Black

14. “There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice.”

— Lewis Black

15. “Equestrian, by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called Two Equestrians.”

— Lewis Black

16. “It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!”

— Lewis Black

17. “If you don’t drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.”

— Lewis Black

18. “The reason I like socialism is that it’s kind of enforced Christianity. It’s basically very Christian, in the sense of “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” These people have nothing, so you have to share.”

— Lewis Black

19. “For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don’t have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That’s not what I think; that’s what married people think.”

— Lewis Black

20. “Stupidity really gets me going, when it’s just plain stupid, obvious stupidity.”

— Lewis Black

21. “It’s great that we’re bringing democracy to Iraq. I can’t wait to see how we do it! What are we gonna do, give them our civics textbooks?”

— Lewis Black

22. “I had an iPhone and a Droid and both of them were miserable pieces of equipment.”

— Lewis Black

23. “Self-love is a big part of golf.”

— Lewis Black

24. “Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you’re still rich.”

— Lewis Black

25. “The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless.”

— Lewis Black

26. “If somebody tries to tell me the earth was created in 7 days I take a fossil and say “FOSSIL”. If he still won’t shut up I throw it at him.”

— Lewis Black

27. “I do have certain feelings. My feeling is that whoever is in charge, I want him out.”

— Lewis Black

28. “The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas.”

— Lewis Black

29. “MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!”

— Lewis Black

30. “When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there’s no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It’s a Back-to-School holiday!”

— Lewis Black

31. “Valentine’s Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don’t have a special someone, you’re alone.”

— Lewis Black

32. “When from behind me, a young woman of 25 uttered the following, it was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life until Dan Quayle was elected Vice President of the United States. She said, if it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.”

— Lewis Black

33. “I have N’Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears. I have a trifecta from hell.”

— Lewis Black

34. “I went to New Zealand this year, and, whew man, I know a lot of people want to go there. But let me just tell you, it’s 22 hours by plane. So, if you have the opportunity, don’t.”

— Lewis Black

35. “It’s a shame cars don’t run on cognitive dissonance.”

— Lewis Black

36. “We don’t have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons – let’s find it!”

— Lewis Black

37. “Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler.”

— Lewis Black

38. “Online, there’s no time. It’s always Christmas.”

— Lewis Black

39. “You want to know what it’s like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don’t stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over.”

— Lewis Black

40. “I’m always amazed when I hear people saying; That George Bush, he’s a great leader. And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional?”

— Lewis Black

41. “My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes.”

— Lewis Black

42. “It’s 2003. Why can’t I teleport?”

— Lewis Black

43. “One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I’m still going to be rich.”

— Lewis Black

44. “In four days, I experienced five seasons. It was thirty, it was sixty, it was ninety, then it was twelve! And on the last day, there was thunder, lightning, and snow – together! And I hadn’t done drugs.”

— Lewis Black

45. “I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo.”

— Lewis Black

46. “Since there are so many idiots out there, you may actually start to think you’re crazy. You are not. They are idiots.”

— Lewis Black

47. “I never write anything down. I write onstage.”

— Lewis Black

48. “It’s a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It’s not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff.”

— Lewis Black

49. “If I get a week off, I’ll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I’ll do that five days in a row.”

— Lewis Black

50. “FEMA I always thought was a bone here in your ass.”

— Lewis Black