Top 80 Matt Dinniman Quotes (2026 Update)

1. “Goddammit Donut!”

— Matt Dinniman

2. “Question: What’s the only thing standing between an innocent child and a happy, fulfilling life? Answer: You. The answer is you.”

— Matt Dinniman

3. “Trauma does that, I thought. It’s an explosion with your heart at the center. It changes everything all at once.”

— Matt Dinniman

4. “The transformation occurred at approximately 2:23 AM, Pacific Standard Time. As far as I could tell, anyone who was indoors when it happened died instantly. If you had any sort of roof over you, you were dead. That included people in cars, airplanes, subways. Even tents and cardboard boxes. Hell, probably umbrellas, too. Though I’m not so sure about that one.”

— Matt Dinniman

5. “My beautiful boy,” Miriam whispered as she turned to dust. “My beautiful boy.”

— Matt Dinniman

6. “So help me god,” I said. “I will abandon you right here and right now if you choose to take up the kazoo.”

— Matt Dinniman

7. “Maybe i’ll go to the same place? Maybe, there will be stars?”

— Matt Dinniman

8. “But all I could think about was that lonely dog, left alone to guard an empty gas station on Christmas day.”

— Matt Dinniman

9. “Mongo shrieked with joy and began to vigorously devour the remains, filling himself up so much his stomach bulged afterward. The little dinosaur puked on the floor and then ate that, too.”

— Matt Dinniman

10. “The last time the walls shook like this was when your mom came over for a visit.”

— Matt Dinniman

11. “You’re wearing a mask right now, Donut, and you don’t know how to remove it. That’s okay. You don’t need to. Not yet. That mask is protecting you.”

— Matt Dinniman

12. “And I was so stupid, because I thought since I loved you, that meant you loved me.”

— Matt Dinniman

13. “I don’t stick my butthole in everybody’s face when they’re trying to sit down and eat.” “Well, excuse me for showing affection. I mean really.”

— Matt Dinniman

14. “Tracked All-Terrain Suicide Machine. The Royal Chariot – Contraption. If a snowmobile got drunk on moonshine and had a sweaty, ill-advised night with a hillbilly’s coon-hunting ATV, this oversized birth defect of a vehicle would be the result.”

— Matt Dinniman

15. “Never stare into the blinding eye of the Bedlam Bride. What it means is don’t become obsessed with something, lest you’re blinded to everything else.”

— Matt Dinniman

16. “Donut told me about your dumbass idea to use one of your own bones or whatever to get out. People have bones for a reason, Carl.”

— Matt Dinniman

17. “Ever since that first monkey looked up into the sky and saw something twinkling up there, you meat puppets have tried to force twenty pounds of existential meaning into a ten pound sack of chaos.”

— Matt Dinniman

18. “Right now, I needed to get this damn crab to jerk off into the ocean.”

— Matt Dinniman

19. “Souls weren’t something one was born with. No, I knew that now. Souls, and the resulting power, they were the sum of one’s pain, one’s joy, one’s laughter, and one’s wanting. All captured and distilled and expelled upon death.”

— Matt Dinniman

20. “It’s the Son Who Fell. The Sinner, Resurrected. The Bringer of Disease, Bringer of Salvation. The Ender of All Blasphemy. It’s the calamitous, rapturous, and ultimately hazardous master of the life-death boomerang. It’s Lazarus-A-Bang-Bang!”

— Matt Dinniman

21. “They have a strong dislike for people named Josh and ska music.”

— Matt Dinniman

22. “Kids aren’t always a product of their parents. But sometimes that doesn’t matter. Sometimes parents can cast a shadow so thick, you can drown in it.”

— Matt Dinniman

23. “Puppies shouldn’t ever share a world with pain. Yet here we are. Thanks, earth culture.”

— Matt Dinniman

24. “I feel that trying to talk me into killing myself is not proper parenting.”

— Matt Dinniman

25. “Orthrus. The most loveable hell-hound on this side of Alpha Centauri. The left side is for sniffin’ and the right side is for lickin’ and that pink belly of his? It’s for kissin’.”

— Matt Dinniman

26. “You’re not my person anymore,” Donut added. “Carl is. He’s always been.”

— Matt Dinniman

27. “New Achievement! This little piggy made a boom boom! You deployed a bomb with the supple, curved sole of your foot. You took your perfectly-perfect, 30.004861 centimeter-long right foot and compressed it against an explosive device – a device named after me no less – and you gave it a naughty little shove before you pushed it out the door and detonated it. You killed them. You killed them all for your daddy.”

— Matt Dinniman

28. “All it takes is a little seed, my mom had said that day as we planted the trees. Just little seeds here and there, and soon enough you have a forest.”

— Matt Dinniman

29. “A distant part of me was alarmed at this attitude. But this was war, and there was no use pretending like it wasn’t.”

— Matt Dinniman

30. “Everybody likes carnage when it’s not them.”

— Matt Dinniman

31. “Carl is very good at killing things, and he can be very clever about it sometimes, but he doesn’t do secret Asian man style murders.” “Agent,” I said. “What?” Donut asked. “It’s secret agent man. Not secret Asian man.”

— Matt Dinniman

32. “Happy wife, happy life takes on a whole new meaning when your other half is an indescribable cosmic horror.”

— Matt Dinniman

33. “I’m sorry, Carl,” the robot said, her head turning 180 degrees to look back at me. “The void is wet and hungry.”

— Matt Dinniman

34. “You’re not going to break me,” I said. “You might hurt me, or kill me, but you’re not going to break me.”

— Matt Dinniman

35. “Bad Llama. Level 3. It’s a llama, but it’s bad. If he were human, he’d be covered in prison tattoos and would be hanging out in front of the Circle K hitting on 14-year-old girls. They might be willing to sell you something if you have good stuff to trade. You won’t want to get hit by their spit.”

— Matt Dinniman

36. “He rushed up and chomped her directly on the nose.”

— Matt Dinniman

37. “They were all gone. All I had left in this world was right here. Mongo soon started to snore. I could feel Donut’s warmth against the back of my neck. She breathed softly, oblivious of all that had occurred tonight. This, I thought, this is my family.”

— Matt Dinniman

38. “People sure like to make a big deal out of adopting pets. They “rescue” them before they spend the next 10 years exploiting the poor, oblivious animal to death on social media. They splatch a bumper sticker that reads “Who Rescued Who?” on their minivans while the poor dog spends 20 hours a day in a stinking crate.”

— Matt Dinniman

39. “Being eaten by a bugbear makes me uncomfortable, Carl. So if your boyfriend ogling your tootises keeps these easy-peasy bugs coming at us instead of more of those lava-spitting llamas, then you better buck up, get over your human male privilege, and take one for your princess.”

— Matt Dinniman

40. “She saw something too many parents miss. This petite, timid child wasn’t a reflection of herself. She was something much more wondrous. She was an unwritten story, one that could end up anywhere. A story where neither of the parents were the main character.”

— Matt Dinniman

41. “You know what, Carl? I’ve decided something,” Donut said, finally speaking. She released Mongo, who squawked and started investigating this strange, new world. “Yeah, Donut?” “I think they’re right about you. I think you’re crazy. Like, not a little weird crazy. Not guy who eats cereal without milk crazy. But crazy, crazy. Straitjacket crazy.” I took the cat into my lap, and then I pulled her to my chest. She purred heavily into my ear.”

— Matt Dinniman

42. “Target any healers within range” or “Target anyone who thinks it’s okay to put mayonnaise on hotdogs.”

— Matt Dinniman

43. “Sometimes, there are no surprises, and despite that, despite your intention to gird yourself against what’s about to come, it still hits you with the force of a kick to the stomach.”

— Matt Dinniman

44. “If that’s true,” I said, “then you’re all in that same pot.” I turned to look at the audience. “All of you. If a government is afraid of what its people say, then maybe there’s a reason for it.”

— Matt Dinniman

45. “My four-year-old mind couldn’t possibly register it at the time, but it was the scent of happiness, of joy, of being a kid, of not being afraid.”

— Matt Dinniman

46. “Be careful who you’re nice to. Because if you are nice to the wrong person, they’ll either take advantage of you, or worse, they might never leave.”

— Matt Dinniman

47. “Zev says the shows on Earth are better than anything she’s ever seen. We could make new ones and bring them to the universe. Maybe if the television shows are good enough, people wouldn’t be so interested in watching real-life people kill each other,” she said.”

— Matt Dinniman

48. “Did we really just start a meth war between the goblins and the llamas?”

— Matt Dinniman

49. “Miss Beatrice once used scissors to get poop off my butt,” Donut said. “Uh huh,” I said. “Once?” “We’re having a moment here, Carl. Don’t ruin it.”

— Matt Dinniman

50. “Gordo leaned over the counter and made a face. “This is your manager?” “Yep,” I said. He shook his head sadly. “You two are so dead.”

— Matt Dinniman