Top 120 Molly Harper Quotes (2025 Update)
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51. “Yeah, but when has telling someone to do what makes them happy ever resulted in a good decision? Remember when we told cousin Todd to do what made him happy and he came home with recently augmented boobs?”

— Molly Harper

52. “Wal-mart started selling “Vampire Home Defense Kits”, including holy water, crosses, stakes, mallets, and a book of quick blessings to bar vampires from your door. The fact that these kits were generally useless didn’t bother me nearly as much as the idea of holy water being sold at wal-mart.”

— Molly Harper

53. “And in between the disturbing innuendos, there was normally a nugget of likability. Buried deep, deep down.”

— Molly Harper

54. “Do you want to take a bath?” “Do I get the rubber fish?” He shook his head. “No, Herr Scalesnstuff is mine, but I’ll let you borrow Dr. Squeakenstein.”

— Molly Harper

55. “Why would anyone on the crew put on a red shirt? Honestly, it’s like they’re standing in front of their closet, and they’re thinking, ‘Yellow? Blue? Nah, today’s a good day to die.”

— Molly Harper

56. “I worry when I’m not called to save your cute little hind end at least once a week.” “I don’t have a cute little hind end,” I groused. “I know, it’s more medium to large, but I was trying to be kind,” he replied, dodging the Pocket Guide to Poltergeist Activity I chucked at him.”

— Molly Harper

57. “What the hell happened in there? Did Akako Tomita attack you? I will cut that woman.” “She’s a supernaturally strong ancient creature with nine blades hidden in her invisible tails.” “I would figure something out,” Sonja insisted.”

— Molly Harper

58. “Somewhere in my heart a little door closed with a clean, quiet “snick.”

— Molly Harper

59. “Nick and I are putting on a puppet show, Coop,” I responded dryly. “Please, Lord, don’t let that be a position I haven’t heard of,” Cooper said, shuddering.”

— Molly Harper

60. “Leaving knots untied and scattering seeds to distract them will only work on vampires with OCD.”

— Molly Harper

61. “Your fancy scientific method is that I’m going to tie a rope around your waist and drag you back to safety when you push yourself too hard? Like in Poltergeist?” “It worked in Poltergeist.” “Just when I think you may the smartest person I’ve ever met, you go and say something like that.”

— Molly Harper

62. “Jillian’s mouth pulled back at the corners. “Ivy comes highly recommended, is even more qualified, but her bedside manner is appropriate for working with dead people.”

— Molly Harper

63. “Just wear the tank top.” “It’s not meant to – ” “Wearing something on top of that is a waste of your God-given gift of cleavage,” he insisted. “It’s practically blasphemy.”

— Molly Harper

64. “Jettie was the one who undid some of the damage from my mother’s “birds and bees” talk, entitled “Nice Girls Don’t Do That. Ever.”

— Molly Harper

65. “He likes me!” Finn exclaimed, sounding downright giddy. “You brought him a rare LEGO. You could burn down our house, and he would still look at you all googly-eyed.” “Don’t ruin this moment for me,” he said, shushing me.”

— Molly Harper

66. “New vampires are discouraged from trying to return to their normal human routines. Especially if those routines include tanning or working as a fireman. Your day will not end well.”

— Molly Harper

67. “I learned never to take him into a baby store. Ever. He snickered every time he heard the word ‘nipple.’” “Well, that’s what you get for dating a giant twelve-year-old,” I told her, sitting on Jolene’s left.”

— Molly Harper

68. “The heart, you moron!” she screeched, clutching at the stake. “It has to be the heart!” “Oh, right, thanks,” I said, grabbing another sign. I screamed as I drove it home, aiming more carefully this time.”

— Molly Harper

69. “My mother had spent one hundred dollars on shipping to send me cookies, antimeat propaganda, and laxatives.”

— Molly Harper

70. “And I was wearing makeup. Yes, I did own makeup, blush and powder and Chapstick. But not eyeliner. There was an incident in college. I had to wear an eye patch for two weeks.”

— Molly Harper

71. “If I had a nickel for every time I heard the words ‘I don’t want to ruin our friendship ’ I wouldn’t be driving a car with an ominously flashing ‘check engine’ light.”

— Molly Harper

72. “If Finn had brought me something with bubbles, I probably would have performed explicit favors for him involving feathers and chocolate pudding.”

— Molly Harper

73. “Visiting Specialty Books was like living in an episode of Extreme Hoarders: Bibliophiles.”

— Molly Harper

74. “Two hundred years of work experience was a human resources nightmare.”

— Molly Harper

75. “There was also an alarming assortment of junk food, including ready-made cheesecake filling in a tub, which I didn’t even know existed. And now that I was aware of it, I was extremely disgruntled that I couldn’t eat any of it.”

— Molly Harper

76. “But constantly thinking and talking about food is what makes werewolves some of the best chefs in the world. Think about it. Have you ever seen Emeril Lagasse during a full moon?”

— Molly Harper

77. “Of course, at the reading of Aunt Jettie’s will, Grandma Ruthie was handed an envelope containing a carefully folded high-resolution picture of a baboon’s butt. That pretty much summed up their relationship.”

— Molly Harper

78. “I’ve never done this before. I didn’t go to human bars. Mudslides aside, I’m not much of a drinker. Club people are not my people. Now, book-club people –.”

— Molly Harper

79. “Food could be simple. Food could be anything you wanted, whether the ingredients came from a farmer’s market or a convenience store. Food could be fan-freaking-tastic.”

— Molly Harper

80. “Dozens of freshly sharpened pencils were aimed straight at my chest. That did even things out a bit. “Let me ask you something. When you set about to make something like that, what exactly goes through your head?” He shrugged. “Mostly, ‘boobs, beer, this will be cool, boobs, beer.’ ” I bit my lip, because laughing didn’t seem appropriate at the moment. “Well, you’re honest.”

— Molly Harper

81. “The fact that I could correctly make a reference to the Borg was probably part of the reason I was not being accepted into the Collective.”

— Molly Harper

82. “Anyone can show up for stuff like graduations and birthdays. Only the people who truly love you will help you move.”

— Molly Harper

83. “Why is everyone so surprised that I have a stun gun?” “Because I’ve seen you staple your hand to a purchase order,” Andrea told me.”

— Molly Harper

84. “When Gilbert needed money for graduate school, I sold a kidney on the black market for tuition.” “We can grow those back?” I asked. “It wasn’t my kidney.” “And now we’re back to the disturbing territory I’m comfortable with.”

— Molly Harper

85. “They were barely children, really, more like hyper badgers in Abercrombie and Fitch T-shirts.”

— Molly Harper

86. “And I was beginning to suspect that Andrea was slipping extra espresso into her magical mystery coffee potions because “caffeinated Jane” amused her.”

— Molly Harper

87. “How many family conversations are going to be interrupted by me telling you, no, you can’t kill someone and make it look like an accident?”

— Molly Harper

88. “But she was going to eat as much pie as she damn well pleased, because as far as she was concerned, sugar was a natural substance that kept people around her from getting injured.”

— Molly Harper

89. “Did I just get psychically pimp-slapped by a little old lady?”

— Molly Harper

90. “Besides, when I take you to bed, we’re going to stay there for a long, long time. I don’t want the sun to interrupt us, which it would in just a few hours.” Did he say hours? Gabriel kissed my slack mouth and asked, “No response?” “Yay?”

— Molly Harper

91. “Even after having months to adjust, Iris was “displeased” about my employment, which was like saying PETA was displeased by the popularity of TripleMeat Whataburgers.”

— Molly Harper

92. “It’s hard to forget a woman who manages to seduce you while spouting odd literary trivia and anatomically specific threats.”

— Molly Harper

93. “The two of them had a strange chemistry, like ammonia and bleach.”

— Molly Harper

94. “You will treat my underwear with the reverence it deserves. Next time, you will stop and appreciate – hell, you’ll marvel at the miracle of my ass clad in silk.”

— Molly Harper

95. “You should be just as respectful to authority figures and public servants, even if you can now drain them dry. Because your kids are watching you. Also, because it’s still illegal to drain authority figures and public servants dry.”

— Molly Harper

96. “And then force him to fake the Cockney accent? And then make him my love monkey?”

— Molly Harper

97. “Danny was a matador. Other cast members included a chubby Italian chef, a mime, and, for some reason, a mummy. I found that offensive on behalf of living Egyptian people, but I also knew that Parker McHune’s mother couldn’t sew, so wrapping her son in Ace bandages was the best she could do.”

— Molly Harper

98. “Let’s just wait and see if I like the girls they marry,” she said. “So, that means your dress is new, and the necklace is old and blue. What can you borrow?” “A time machine.”

— Molly Harper

99. “Before you find yourself stranded in the woods with a cranky apex predator, ask yourself: Do I really want to go on a camping trip with a vampire? The answer is probably going to be no.”

— Molly Harper

100. “Jane, if you’d been able to read these books, would you have felt more prepared, or would you have worked yourself into an information-overload-fueled frenzy, convinced that you could arrange the whole wedding yourself, and eventually killed one of your loved ones in a glue-gun-related mishap?” she asked, her lips quirked. “Probably that second one,” I admitted.”

— Molly Harper