Top 120 Molly Harper Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “If God didn’t want us to eat the animals, He wouldn’t have made them so tasty.”

— Molly Harper

2. “You can take the girl out of the library, but you can’t take the neurotic, compulsively curious librarian out of the girl.”

— Molly Harper

3. “After a long pause, Mama said, “Well, I don’t know what to say.” Daddy checked his watch and marked the time. “It took thirty years, but it was bound to happen sometime.”

— Molly Harper

4. “If you want to hurt me, fine. Take my books. Burn down my house. Shave my head while I am sleeping. But nobody, nobody screws with my dog.”

— Molly Harper

5. “It’s always a pleasure to see you,” I told him, my voice dripping with sarcasm. “Remember, red lights are for quitters.”

— Molly Harper

6. “Don’t say “intimate relations.” “Happy Naked Fun Time?” Gabriel suggested. “Exactly.” I nodded.”

— Molly Harper

7. “The brain may die, but my compulsion for useless trivia lives on.”

— Molly Harper

8. “Because forbidden love with a hot, mysterious vampire?” she said, gesturing to her paranormal romance section. “I’m not only the president of that club, I’m also a member.”

— Molly Harper

9. “Normal doesn’t exist. It was a rumor started by McCarthy in the 1950s.”

— Molly Harper

10. “I am a disaster magnet. I came home from our first anniversary vacation with jellyfish stings, a puncture wound from a wrought iron pineapple and a cork-shaped bruise in my cleavage.”

— Molly Harper

11. “Vampires have bright eyes glistening white teeth unnaturally smooth skin and a certain animal magnetism. If they aren’t pretty they starve. It’s sort of like life in Los Angeles.”

— Molly Harper

12. “Please don’t mix Marvel and DC references. You’re better than that,” he said, shaking his head disdainfully.”

— Molly Harper

13. “Finn was an enigma wrapped in a riddle coated in misdirection. He was a burrito of dishonesty.”

— Molly Harper

14. “Did they make Adam’s apple porn? Was that a thing? Would I be scarred for life if I Googled it? And if I couldnt find any pictures, could I take my own?”

— Molly Harper

15. “That’s all you have to do, Jane, just find your fit.” “Or I can follow your lead and unleash a plague of locusts like this town has never seen,” I said, rubbing my chin with an evil-genius glare.”

— Molly Harper

16. “If he does it again, you have my permission to break his legs and arms and make him believe he’s a rodeo clown from Walla Walla,” I promised. “We can make him call himself Slappy the Wonder Clown.”

— Molly Harper

17. “How have you survived this long without someone hurting you?”

— Molly Harper

18. “Maybe we could put you in one of those plastic hamster balls for your protection.”

— Molly Harper

19. “She was wearing her favorite UK T-shirt that read, “I Bleed Blue.”

— Molly Harper

20. “If anything happened to you, I don’t know what I would do.” I lifted my head to eye him warily. “You’re not going to do something weird with my dryer lint, are you?” “I never know what is going to come out of your mouth,” he said, staring at me. “I enjoy that, in a morbid way.”

— Molly Harper

21. “Look, over the years, my unique sense of humor and perverse grasp of honesty may have led to some hurt feelings and long-held grudges. But overall, I’m a pretty likable person.”

— Molly Harper

22. “Bael realized his earlier panic feeling had been replaced by something much warmer and sweeter. And he would never, ever tell Zed about it.”

— Molly Harper

23. “Sometimes apathy hurts just as much as cruelty. At least when someone is yelling, you can imagine that they care.”

— Molly Harper

24. “Where do you even buy a black lace handkerchief? Widows R Us?”

— Molly Harper

25. “I waited a beat before saying, “So, really, I’m not the craziest girl you’ve ever dated. That’s a relief.” “Your grasp of the weight of this situation is amazing,” he retorted. I shrugged. “I’m just saying.”

— Molly Harper

26. “I’m sorry I have the emotional maturity of a grapefruit.” He grinned, his fangs glinting. “You don’t have the emotional maturity of a grapefruit. A tangerine, maybe, but I think you’ve got to work your way up to grapefruit.”

— Molly Harper

27. “Love? Love is for children and poor people...”

— Molly Harper

28. “Her voice rose to a Vincent Price octave. “Yes, I’m wandering the earth, seeking revenge on Ben and Jerry for giving me the fat ass and massive coronary. And I give out love advice to the tragically lonely.”

— Molly Harper

29. “Contrary to popular myth, werewolves myth, werewolves are born, not made. No matter how many times they bite someone, that person will not turn, though they will probably bleed profusely and will definitely be annoyed.”

— Molly Harper

30. “My only regret is that I can’t track down a boyfriend or two and use my evil vampire powers to hypnotize him into stripping naked and dancing the Highland Fling every time he hears the word ‘hello.’ ” “But he would hear it several times every day,” I told her. “What’s your point?”

— Molly Harper

31. “I’m not adorable,” Wade protested. “I am manly and grizzled and have no emotions. None.”

— Molly Harper

32. “Gabriel scowled at me. “And by OK, I’m sure you mean, ‘Oh, my love, whatever will I do if you come to harm?’ ” he said dryly. “No, it’s just that I’m so used to people coming after me, it’s kind of a refreshing change of pace.”

— Molly Harper

33. “The brain may die, but my compulsion for useless trivia lives on,” I said, ignoring the frown that marred her alabaster brow.”

— Molly Harper

34. “Idiot,” I said, before grinning broadly and crushing his mouth to mine. “We need to pick new pet names for each other,” he muttered as I hefted myself up from the ground.”

— Molly Harper

35. “He helped me see the beauty in death alongside the inescapable finality. Also, he taught me that when somethin’ scares you, you pull your bootstraps up and give it the finger, so it knows who it’s messin’ with.”

— Molly Harper

36. “The first rule of caring for a stray vampire: Don’t tell anyone you’re taking care of a stray vampire. – The Care and Feeding of Stray Vampires.”

— Molly Harper

37. “He tried to call himself Zed Oakendesk, after watching the Hobbit one too many times, but Bael refused because a man shouldn’t come up with his own nickname.”

— Molly Harper

38. “He doesn’t drink too much. He’s employed and works hard. He doesn’t have commitment issues, kids, or crazy ex-girlfriends. He doesn’t attach way too much emotion to the outcome of UGA football. He’s a mythical, perfect man, difficult to find. Impossible to capture. A unicorn.”

— Molly Harper

39. “I love you, too, Stretch,” he said, giving my shoulder a brief squeeze. “You’re the sister I never really wanted.” “Nice.”

— Molly Harper

40. “And don’t you ever do anything like that again! I am the one who ends up in the stupid life-threatening situations. You are the levelheaded, responsible one in this relationship. Got it? This is how this whole thing works. We have to stick to our designated roles, or there is chaos!”

— Molly Harper

41. “Let’s see, the last guy I dated – is there a word for someone who’s sexually attracted to Muppets?” Andrea’s elegant persona was destroyed as she laughed so hard martini shot out of her nose.”

— Molly Harper

42. “She could have had a heart attack!” Jenny insisted. “Oh, please, Ruthie’s an unstoppable force of nature, like the Black Plague or Richard Simmons.”

— Molly Harper

43. “I want to be cremated. And I want my ashes spread over the lake, so I’m always with you, hangin’ around, silently judgin’ you.”

— Molly Harper

44. “Tell them you’re pregnant with a married minister’s baby, then say, “Just kidding! I’m a vampire,‘” she suggested.”

— Molly Harper

45. “I wonder if it would be unethical for me to turn James Marsters? And then force him to fake the Cockney accent? And then make him my love monkey?”

— Molly Harper

46. “And while the Council generally tolerates murder, it finds murder for hire distasteful.”

— Molly Harper

47. “When I thought of the ways I preferred to die, I wanted to be a hundred years old and surrounded by generations of adoring descendants. Though a hair dryer and an ill-timed fall into a tub was far more likely. I never considered deer or drunk drivers.”

— Molly Harper

48. “Besides if we went to jail I would sale you for cigarettes.”

— Molly Harper

49. “For once in my life, I was going to get through a situation with a little dignity. OK, I probably wasn’t, but I would fake it as if my life depended on it.”

— Molly Harper

50. “It felt like life had thrown a pie right in my face. And that pie was full of bricks.”

— Molly Harper