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Top 120 Molly Harper Quotes (2025 Update)
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Molly Harper Quote: “I look like Barbara Bush in drag.” Aunt Jettie.”

101. “I look like Barbara Bush in drag.” Aunt Jettie.”

— Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quote: “Team Jacob: Because Vampires Shouldn’t Sparkle.”

102. “Team Jacob: Because Vampires Shouldn’t Sparkle.”

— Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quote: “Sophisticated and complicated and able to color-coordinate a room like you wouldn’t believe. I craved him with a bone-deep lust I’d once reserved exclusively for Godiva truffles.”

103. “Sophisticated and complicated and able to color-coordinate a room like you wouldn’t believe. I craved him with a bone-deep lust I’d once reserved exclusively for Godiva truffles.”

— Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quote: “Gabriel could anticipate Uncle Dave and Uncle Junior’s traditional wedding reception speech, entitled “If you hurt our girl, we will whip your ass.” Only this time, they would be adding, “Vampire or not.”

104. “Gabriel could anticipate Uncle Dave and Uncle Junior’s traditional wedding reception speech, entitled “If you hurt our girl, we will whip your ass.” Only this time, they would be adding, “Vampire or not.”

— Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quote: “But somehow, every time there’s a natural disaster, news crews manage to track down one of these outdoorsy yahoos to interview about how the “twister came a-screamin’ down the holler” and destroyed the snake farm his family had been running for generations.”

105. “But somehow, every time there’s a natural disaster, news crews manage to track down one of these outdoorsy yahoos to interview about how the “twister came a-screamin’ down the holler” and destroyed the snake farm his family had been running for generations.”

— Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quote: “Jolene came bounding into my room at sunset, hopping up and down on the bed, bouncing me off onto the floor. I sat up and glared at her. “Andrea gave you espresso, didn’t she?” “Nope!” she crowed. “But she showed me how to work the machine!” “Augh!”

106. “Jolene came bounding into my room at sunset, hopping up and down on the bed, bouncing me off onto the floor. I sat up and glared at her. “Andrea gave you espresso, didn’t she?” “Nope!” she crowed. “But she showed me how to work the machine!” “Augh!”

— Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quote: “I may be dead, but I’m still me.”

107. “I may be dead, but I’m still me.”

— Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quote: “It took me awhile to learn the rules. OK, it took the librarian in me weeks of careful obsessive research to learn the rules. There was a label maker involved. I’d rather not go into it.”

108. “It took me awhile to learn the rules. OK, it took the librarian in me weeks of careful obsessive research to learn the rules. There was a label maker involved. I’d rather not go into it.”

— Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quote: “And then they watched The Bridges of Madison County,” Jillian added. Zed gasped. “That’s like The Notebook for old people!”

109. “And then they watched The Bridges of Madison County,” Jillian added. Zed gasped. “That’s like The Notebook for old people!”

— Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quote: “She’s small, sneaky, and has a profound sense of retaliation. Like God’s little angel of vengeance.”

110. “She’s small, sneaky, and has a profound sense of retaliation. Like God’s little angel of vengeance.”

— Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quote: “Sometimes life just stinks like a bass in your couch,” Stan said. “It’s not fair. And sometimes it doesn’t get better. And sometimes there’s no reason for it. It just stinks. You can either lean into it and try to ride it out, or you can fold under the weight.”

111. “Sometimes life just stinks like a bass in your couch,” Stan said. “It’s not fair. And sometimes it doesn’t get better. And sometimes there’s no reason for it. It just stinks. You can either lean into it and try to ride it out, or you can fold under the weight.”

— Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quote: “I don’t trust anything that tries that hard to be cute.”

112. “I don’t trust anything that tries that hard to be cute.”

— Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quote: “If she wasn’t absolutely sure that it would turn out to be an emotional disaster of Pompeii proportions, she would take Sonja’s advice and climb that man like a tree. For science.”

113. “If she wasn’t absolutely sure that it would turn out to be an emotional disaster of Pompeii proportions, she would take Sonja’s advice and climb that man like a tree. For science.”

— Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quote: “Confrontations with other parents are going to happen – at your child’s school, at the ball field, at the mall. The important thing to remember is that thanks to the prevalence of security cameras and smartphones, you’re probably being recorded. So footage of your retribution will be held against you in a court of law.”

114. “Confrontations with other parents are going to happen – at your child’s school, at the ball field, at the mall. The important thing to remember is that thanks to the prevalence of security cameras and smartphones, you’re probably being recorded. So footage of your retribution will be held against you in a court of law.”

— Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quote: “Clarissa apparently believed that if you didn’t have to roll a guest out of your house like the blueberry girl in Willy Wonka, you were a bad hostess.”

115. “Clarissa apparently believed that if you didn’t have to roll a guest out of your house like the blueberry girl in Willy Wonka, you were a bad hostess.”

— Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quote: “It’s in the bylaws. If we’re not feedin’ someone pork products, we get all twitchy and just start throwin’ biscuits at innocent bystanders.”

116. “It’s in the bylaws. If we’re not feedin’ someone pork products, we get all twitchy and just start throwin’ biscuits at innocent bystanders.”

— Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quote: “I’m ancient, not outdated.”

117. “I’m ancient, not outdated.”

— Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quote: “You don’t chase stupid! It will find you eventually!”

118. “You don’t chase stupid! It will find you eventually!”

— Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quote: “Should she roll down the window? Was it safe? At this point, it would be rude not to, but she’d always read that a woman traveling alone should ignore their instincts to be polite and err on the side of not letting an enormous man pull her through a van window and onto the human trafficking market.”

119. “Should she roll down the window? Was it safe? At this point, it would be rude not to, but she’d always read that a woman traveling alone should ignore their instincts to be polite and err on the side of not letting an enormous man pull her through a van window and onto the human trafficking market.”

— Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quote: “No sweets! We’re talking total ice cream lockdown!” Kyle called. “Don’t make me get the kale!”

120. “No sweets! We’re talking total ice cream lockdown!” Kyle called. “Don’t make me get the kale!”

— Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quote: “Sonja Fong didn’t need magical powers. She had formidable wi-fi and an extremely questionable browser history.”

121. “Sonja Fong didn’t need magical powers. She had formidable wi-fi and an extremely questionable browser history.”

— Molly Harper

Molly Harper Quote: “When did everything start coming in so many flavors? And why did so many of them involve sriracha?”

122. “When did everything start coming in so many flavors? And why did so many of them involve sriracha?”

— Molly Harper

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