1. “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

— Steven Wright

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2. “I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

— Steven Wright

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3. “If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”

— Steven Wright

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4. “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”

— Steven Wright

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5. “Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Demotivational Quotes, Funny Wednesday Quotes, Funny Monday Quotes

6. “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Silly Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes

7. “43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.”

— Steven Wright

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8. “If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Humor Quotes

9. “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Humor Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Funny Quotes About Life, Funny Motivational Quotes

10. “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Imagination Quotes, Crazy Quotes

11. “Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Depression Quotes, Anger Quotes

12. “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Humor Quotes, Humility Quotes, Quotes About Laughter

13. “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Short Funny Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes

14. “Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Monday Quotes

15. “Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes, Funny Wednesday Quotes, Funny Monday Quotes, Funny Tuesday Quotes

16. “Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes, Funny Wednesday Quotes

17. “When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Demotivational Quotes, Funny Wednesday Quotes

18. “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Humor Quotes, Funny Wednesday Quotes, Funny Monday Quotes

19. “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Quotes About Writing, Sarcastic Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Short Funny Quotes

20. “It’s like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.”

— Steven Wright

21. “Light travels faster than sound. Isn’t that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?”

— Steven Wright

22. “If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Hilarious Quotes

23. “Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.”

— Steven Wright

24. “Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.”

— Steven Wright

25. “I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”

— Steven Wright

26. “The speed of time is one second per second.”

— Steven Wright

27. “If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Summer Quotes

28. “If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.”

— Steven Wright

29. “I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

— Steven Wright

30. “I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.”

— Steven Wright

31. “You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...”

— Steven Wright

32. “How come abbreviated is such a long word?”

— Steven Wright

33. “I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It’s a start...”

— Steven Wright

34. “No one is listening until you make a mistake.”

— Steven Wright

35. “Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.”

— Steven Wright

36. “I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”

— Steven Wright

37. “On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

— Steven Wright

Featured in: Hilarious Quotes

38. “What’s another word for Thesaurus?”

— Steven Wright

39. “I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.”

— Steven Wright

40. “I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”

— Steven Wright

41. “OK, so what’s the speed of dark?”

— Steven Wright

42. “The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.”

— Steven Wright

43. “I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.”

— Steven Wright

44. “Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.”

— Steven Wright

45. “There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

— Steven Wright

46. “If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”

— Steven Wright

47. “Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.”

— Steven Wright

48. “Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?”

— Steven Wright

49. “Half the people you know are below average.”

— Steven Wright

50. “I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”

— Steven Wright