1. “Why join the navy if you can be a pirate?”

— Steve Jobs

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2. “The road to success is always under construction.”

— Lily Tomlin

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3. “The real trouble with reality is that there is no background music.”

— Anonymous

4. “I need a six month vacation twice a year.”

— Anonymous

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5. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”

— Oscar Wilde

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6. “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

— Steven Wright

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7. “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”

— Oscar Wilde

8. “The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”

— Lily Tomlin

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9. “The best things in life are free. The second best are very expensive.”

— Coco Chanel

10. “Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.”

— Robert A. Heinlein

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11. “A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at them.”

— David Brinkley

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12. “The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.”

— Vince Lombardi

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13. “Dear Karma, I have a list of people that you missed.”

— Anonymous

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14. “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.”

— Will Rogers

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15. “Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life.”

— Terry Pratchett

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16. “Due to budget cuts the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.”

— Aaron Paul

17. “Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”

— Spike Milligan

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18. “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”

— Steven Wright

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19. “I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

— Steven Wright

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20. “If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.”

— Henry Ford

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21. “Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders.”

— Sloan Wilson

22. “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

— Steven Wright

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23. “Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.”

— Doug Larson

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24. “The successful man is the one who finds out what is the matter with his business before his competitors do.”

— Roy L. Smith

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25. “Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you’ll have to ram them down people’s throats.”

— Howard Aiken

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26. “Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.”

— Parkinson's law

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27. “If you ever start taking things too seriously, just remember that we are talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe.”

— Joe Rogan

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28. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”

— Mark Twain

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29. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.”

— Zig Ziglar

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30. “Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”

— Groucho Marx

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31. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”

— Oscar Wilde

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32. “Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”

— George Carlin

33. “Don’t Panic.”

— Douglas Adams

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34. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

— George Carlin

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35. “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”

— Douglas Adams

Also Featured in: Quotes About Writing, Sarcastic Quotes, Hilarious Quotes

36. “In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

— Douglas Adams

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37. “A day without laughter is a day wasted.”

— Charlie Chaplin

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38. “Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.”

— Douglas Adams

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39. “So long, and thanks for all the fish.”

— Douglas Adams

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40. “A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.”

— Douglas Adams

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41. “I’ve wrestled with alligators, I’ve tussled with a whale. I done handcuffed lightning and thrown thunder in jail. You know I’m bad. Just last week, I murdered a rock, injured a stone, hospitalized a brick. I’m so mean, I make medicine sick.”

— Muhammad Ali

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42. “Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”

— Mark Twain

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43. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”

— Mark Twain

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44. “I’d far rather be happy than right any day.”

— Douglas Adams

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45. “The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.”

— Mark Twain

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46. “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”

— Terry Pratchett

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47. “Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”

— Groucho Marx

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48. “If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”

— Woody Allen

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49. “42 is a nice number that you can take home and introduce to your family.”

— Douglas Adams

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50. “In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.”

— Mark Twain

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