Top 200 Funny Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Why join the navy if you can be a pirate?”

— Steve Jobs

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes

2. “The road to success is always under construction.”

— Lily Tomlin

Also featured in: Success Quotes, Goal Quotes, Interesting Quotes, Famous Quotes

3. “The real trouble with reality is that there is no background music.”

— Anonymous

4. “I need a six month vacation twice a year.”

— Anonymous

Also featured in: Crazy Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes, Vacation Quotes

5. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”

— Oscar Wilde

Also featured in: Witty Quotes, Forgiveness Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes

6. “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Humor Quotes

7. “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”

— Oscar Wilde

8. “The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”

— Lily Tomlin

Also featured in: Crazy Quotes, Clever Quotes, Witty Quotes, Humor Quotes

9. “The best things in life are free. The second best are very expensive.”

— Coco Chanel

10. “Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.”

— Robert A. Heinlein

Also featured in: Funny Work Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes

11. “A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at them.”

— David Brinkley

Also featured in: Success Quotes, Perseverance Quotes, Attitude Quotes, Feel Good Quotes

12. “The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.”

— Vince Lombardi

Also featured in: Motivational Bodybuilding Quotes

13. “Dear Karma, I have a list of people that you missed.”

— Anonymous

Also featured in: Clever Quotes, Funny Movie Quotes, Revenge Quotes

14. “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.”

— Will Rogers

Also featured in: Success Quotes, Interesting Quotes, Clever Quotes, Funny Work Quotes

15. “Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Fiction Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Witty Quotes

16. “Due to budget cuts the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.”

— Aaron Paul

17. “Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”

— Spike Milligan

Also featured in: Quotes About Money, Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes

18. “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Clever Quotes, Witty Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Monday Quotes

19. “I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Humor Quotes

20. “If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.”

— Henry Ford

Also featured in: Motivational Quotes

21. “Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders.”

— Sloan Wilson

22. “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Imagination Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Crazy Quotes

23. “Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.”

— Doug Larson

Also featured in: Funny Work Quotes, Demotivational Quotes, Boss Quotes, Funny Office Quotes

24. “The successful man is the one who finds out what is the matter with his business before his competitors do.”

— Roy L. Smith

Also featured in: Prosperity Quotes, Inspirational Quotes for Work, Smart Quotes, Competition Quotes

25. “Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you’ll have to ram them down people’s throats.”

— Howard Aiken

Also featured in: Hard Hitting Quotes, Quotes About Ideas

26. “Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.”

— Parkinson's law

Also featured in: Startup Quotes, Time Quotes, Efficiency Quotes, Quotes About Work

27. “If you ever start taking things too seriously, just remember that we are talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe.”

— Joe Rogan

Also featured in: Perspective Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes

28. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Witty Quotes

29. “Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”

— Groucho Marx

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Witty Quotes, Funny Work Quotes

30. “Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”

— George Carlin

31. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.”

— Zig Ziglar

Also featured in: Motivational Quotes, Inspirational Entrepreneurship Quotes, Action Quotes

32. “Don’t Panic.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Interesting Quotes, Silly Quotes, Crazy Quotes

33. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”

— Oscar Wilde

Also featured in: Interesting Quotes, Famous Quotes, Clever Quotes

34. “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Quotes About Writing, Sarcastic Quotes, Hilarious Quotes

35. “In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Interesting Quotes, Fiction Quotes, Hilarious Quotes

36. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Ignorance Quotes

37. “Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Crazy Quotes

38. “So long, and thanks for all the fish.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Crazy Quotes

39. “I’ve wrestled with alligators, I’ve tussled with a whale. I done handcuffed lightning and thrown thunder in jail. You know I’m bad. Just last week, I murdered a rock, injured a stone, hospitalized a brick. I’m so mean, I make medicine sick.”

— Muhammad Ali

Also featured in: Quotes About Strength, Confidence Quotes, Action Quotes

40. “A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Interesting Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Crazy Quotes

41. “A day without laughter is a day wasted.”

— Charlie Chaplin

Also featured in: Happiness Quotes, Positivity Quotes, Feel Good Quotes, Happy Quotes

42. “Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Time Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Work Quotes

43. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Fitness Quotes, Hilarious Quotes

44. “I’d far rather be happy than right any day.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Happiness Quotes, Fiction Quotes, Crazy Quotes

45. “The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Business Quotes, Feel Good Quotes, Happy Friday Quotes

46. “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Fiction Quotes, Mind Quotes

47. “If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”

— Woody Allen

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes

48. “42 is a nice number that you can take home and introduce to your family.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Fiction Quotes, Silly Quotes, Crazy Quotes

49. “Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”

— Groucho Marx

Also featured in: Time Quotes, Silly Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Clever Quotes

50. “In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Humor Quotes