Top 30 Funny Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Why join the navy if you can be a pirate?”

— Steve Jobs

2. “The road to success is always under construction.”

— Lily Tomlin

Also featured in: Success Quotes

3. “The real trouble with reality is that there is no background music.”

— Anonymous

4. “I need a six month vacation twice a year.”

— Anonymous

5. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”

— Oscar Wilde

Also featured in: Forgiveness Quotes

6. “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

— Steven Wright

7. “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”

— Oscar Wilde

8. “The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”

— Lily Tomlin

Also featured in: Witty Quotes

9. “The best things in life are free. The second best are very expensive.”

— Coco Chanel

10. “Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.”

— Robert A. Heinlein

11. “A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at them.”

— David Brinkley

Also featured in: Success Quotes, Perseverance Quotes, Attitude Quotes

12. “The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.”

— Vince Lombardi

Also featured in: Motivational Bodybuilding Quotes

13. “Dear Karma, I have a list of people that you missed.”

— Anonymous

14. “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.”

— Will Rogers

Also featured in: Success Quotes

15. “Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life.”

— Terry Pratchett

16. “Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”

— Spike Milligan

Also featured in: Quotes About Money

17. “Due to budget cuts the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.”

— Aaron Paul

18. “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”

— Steven Wright

19. “I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

— Steven Wright

20. “If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.”

— Henry Ford

Also featured in: Motivational Quotes

21. “Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders.”

— Sloan Wilson

22. “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

— Steven Wright

23. “Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.”

— Doug Larson

Also featured in: Boss Quotes

24. “The successful man is the one who finds out what is the matter with his business before his competitors do.”

— Roy L. Smith

25. “Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you’ll have to ram them down people’s throats.”

— Howard Aiken

26. “Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.”

— Parkinson's law

Also featured in: Startup Quotes

27. “Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.”

— Anonymous

28. “My grandfather rode a camel, my father rode a camel, I drive a Mercedes, my son drives a Land Rover, his son will drive a Land Rover, but his son will ride a camel.”

— Rashid bin Saeed Al Maktoum

29. “Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.”

— Will Ferrell

Also featured in: Uplifting Quotes

30. “Travel far enough, you meet yourself.”

— David Mitchell

Also featured in: Travel Quotes

31. “I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.”

— A.J. Sherwood

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Resilience Quotes