Top 70 Red Buttons Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Crispus Attucks, who said, Don’t shoot till you see the whites! Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

2. “There is only one goal. That’s to keep working and keep flossing.”

— Red Buttons

3. “Orville Wright said to his brother, “Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?””

— Red Buttons

4. “Where else but in America can a poor black man like Michael Jackson grow up to be a rich white woman?”

— Red Buttons

5. “Sophia Loren, whose new baby asked her, Is all that for me? Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

6. “Ponce de Leon, who said when he discovered the Fountain of Youth, Where the hell are the paper cups? Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

7. “Moses, who said when the Red Sea parted, What the hell was that? I was just going in for a dip! Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

8. “Joe Torre, who switched to first base because he didn’t want to go through life as Chicken Catcher Torre. Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

9. “Saint Christopher, who said, Where can I get a Frank Sinatra medal? Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

10. “Christopher Columbus, who said to Queen Isabella, No, you got it wrong! The world is round. You’re flat! Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

11. “Henry Ford, who despite his immense wealth never owned a Cadillac. Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

12. “The Mayor of Hong Kong, who said Can’t work today. Have American flu. Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

13. “Gandhi, who went to Wendy’s and asked, Where’s the belief? Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

14. “Joseph Cotten, who said, You know how I got my name? Sammy Davis picked it for me. Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

15. “Ben Hur, who said to his sister Ben Him, We’d better swap names before they start calling me Ben Gay! Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

16. “Sleeping Beauty, who said to Prince Charming, Are you sure all we did was kiss? Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

17. “Pliny the Elder, who when Rome was burning requested Nero to play You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Lucille. Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

18. “Moshe Dayan, who said to Sammy Davis, Jr., That’s funny, to me you only look half Jewish. Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

19. “King Henry VIII, who said to his lawyer, Forget the alimony, I’ve got a better idea. Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

20. “Goliath’s mother, who said to Goliath, Stop running around with David! You’re always coming home stoned! Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

21. “Adam, who said to Eve, What do you mean you have nothing to wear? Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

22. “Some of the most famous people in history never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

23. “William Tell’s son, Telly, who said as his father was pointing the bow and arrow at the apple on his head, There’s gotta be an easier way to kill worms. Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

24. “Venus de Milo’s mother, who once said to Venus, You never call me. Can’t you pick up a phone? Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

25. “Noah’s wife, who said to him after 40 days and 40 nights, It’s your turn to spread the papers on the floor! Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

26. “Eve said to the serpent, ‘You know I could go for a bit to eat, but I don’t know you from Adam.’”

— Red Buttons

27. “Adam, who said to our Lord in the Garden of Eden, I got more ribs – you got more broads? Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

28. “Bluebeard, who said to Scottland Yard, How do I know how many wives I’ve killed? I’m not an accountant! Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

29. “Amelia Earhart, who said, Stop looking for me; see if you can find my luggage! Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

30. “Dr. Spock, who said, Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

31. “Jack the Ripper’s mother, who said to Jack, How come I never see you with the same girl twice? Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

32. “Moses, who said to the children of Israel, Wear your galoshes; I never did this trick before. Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

33. “Maid Marion, who said to Robin Hood, I will not live in a house with a Little John. Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

34. “The Hunchback of Notre-Dame, who said to his tailor Irving, Forget the slacks – please work on the blazer! Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

35. “Peter Minuet, who said to the Indians in modern-day Manhattan, Will you accept a check from a Puerto Rican bank? Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

36. “Sonny Von Bulow, who said to her husband Claus on their honeymoon, Stop needling me. Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

37. “Donald Trump’s mother, who said, Donnie! Stop playing Monopoly and get in that barber’s chair! Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

38. “John Travolta, who said, My Saturday night fever was nothing compared to my Sunday morning rash. Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

39. “Orson Welles, who said to Anita Bryant, Stop picketing me. What I said was I was a thespian. Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

40. “Julius Caesar’s wife, who said to Julius, We are not naming our son Sid! Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

41. “When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he’d get a Bloody Mary.”

— Red Buttons

42. “Michelangelo’s girlfriend, who said to Angelo, Forget the paint – let’s put a mirror on the ceiling. Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

43. “Dracula, who said while they drove a wooden stake into his heart, Boy, I sure hope this is heartburn. Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

44. “The Puerto Rican doctor, who wrote all his prescriptions with spray paint. Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

45. “Alexander Graham Bell’s wife, who said to Alex on their wedding night, Your three minutes are up. Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

46. “J. Paul Getty, who still hasn’t been buried – they keep finding oil! Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

47. “Dinah Shore? Wonderful woman. Dinah formed a foundation to locate missing senior citizens by putting their pictures on prune juice bottles.”

— Red Buttons

48. “George Washington, who said to his father, Dad, if I never tell I lie, how am I ever gonna become President? Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

49. “Dean Martin’s great-great-uncle, Ebenezer Martin, who said to Eli Whitney, I see the cotton, but where’s the gin? Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons

50. “Dean Martin’s pancreas, who overheard his liver singing I got a right to sing the blues. Never got a dinner!”

— Red Buttons