Top 70 Tim Allen Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “I’m a very bad student, but a great learner.”

— Tim Allen

2. “Real men don’t use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer’s opinion on how to put this together.”

— Tim Allen

3. “A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.”

— Tim Allen

4. “If you don’t decide where you’re going, life will decide for you.”

— Tim Allen

5. “The world’s a mean place. It’s unfair, then it’s fair. It’s hateful, then it’s loving. It’s a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.”

— Tim Allen

6. “If it ain’t broke, you can probably still fix it.”

— Tim Allen

7. “Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.”

— Tim Allen

8. “All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support, encouragement or a pit crew.”

— Tim Allen

9. “Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.”

— Tim Allen

10. “But separate a man from his car – that’s inhuman.”

— Tim Allen

11. “Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?”

— Tim Allen

12. “Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.”

— Tim Allen

13. “In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.”

— Tim Allen

14. “I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.”

— Tim Allen

15. “Men often do things for women that they don’t want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don’t want to do.”

— Tim Allen

16. “If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, let’s be fair, that means you’ve got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you’ve done. It’s okay to say, “God, I wish I’d done this; yeah, but I did do that.” Then it kind of balances out.”

— Tim Allen

17. “I’ve gotten so far past the Android and iPhones that I’m back to a flip-phone. It’s funny, you can buy antique flip-phones online. A lot of us collect them. Clearly, they’re considered antiques.”

— Tim Allen

18. “As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.”

— Tim Allen

19. “I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I’ve never gotten over it.”

— Tim Allen

20. “Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom.”

— Tim Allen

21. “Man is the only animal to borrow tools.”

— Tim Allen

22. “To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of the TV and don’t move. He’ll talk to you. I promise.”

— Tim Allen

23. “I’m a creative guy, artistically with graphics.”

— Tim Allen

24. “Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they’re fun, they do things together, they’re best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom.”

— Tim Allen

Featured in: Fun Quotes

25. “Pere Noel. Babbo Natale. Pelznickel. Topo Gigio.”

— Tim Allen

26. “If it doesn’t say Binford on it, somebody else probably made it.”

— Tim Allen

27. “My stepfather stepped in where no man would’ve stepped in – six kids, five of them boys – and that’s heroic.”

— Tim Allen

28. “Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.”

— Tim Allen

29. “When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine – this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.”

— Tim Allen

30. “Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.”

— Tim Allen

31. “I am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.”

— Tim Allen

32. “My dad’s death reminds me of earthquakes – things that shake your foundation.”

— Tim Allen

33. “Dog’s listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.”

— Tim Allen

34. “Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, “And let there be aluminum siding.” Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree’s on a golf course, all the better.”

— Tim Allen

35. “I don’t understand why it has to be either – or – either socialism or democracy. Why can’t we combine things to get the best of each system?”

— Tim Allen

36. “Boys can be disgusting. You can’t leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We’re just obnoxious.”

— Tim Allen

37. “A car crossed two lanes of traffic, flipped, and landed on my dad’s car. I don’t blame cars. My dad loved cars. I don’t have many memories of my dad. The love of cars is all I have of him, really.”

— Tim Allen

38. “Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.”

— Tim Allen

Featured in: Quotes About Stories

39. “There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.”

— Tim Allen

40. “I have a thing for tools.”

— Tim Allen

41. “Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.”

— Tim Allen

42. “I’m actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.”

— Tim Allen

43. “Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.”

— Tim Allen

44. “Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. A typhoon couldn’t blow that thing off their heads. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.”

— Tim Allen

45. “The ego is like a kid in the basement: It’s best to keep him busy.”

— Tim Allen

46. “Before Kady was born, I didn’t think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with them, put them in the closet until the next time.”

— Tim Allen

47. “I grew up around hunters. I love guns, bows, arrows, compasses and binoculars. I don’t do any of that stuff, I just like the stuff. I shot one animal, in my life, and I didn’t like it. If I had to skin an animal to eat it, I’d probably eat vegetables.”

— Tim Allen

48. “I have an only child. She’s so independent and good with adults.”

— Tim Allen

49. “I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car.”

— Tim Allen

50. “Men aren’t men until they can get to Sears by themselves.”

— Tim Allen