Top 90 Zach Galifianakis Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “If you see something, say something.”

— Zach Galifianakis

2. “I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.”

— Zach Galifianakis

3. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”

— Zach Galifianakis

4. “The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says “Forever.””

— Zach Galifianakis

Featured in: Tattoo Quotes

5. “The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.”

— Zach Galifianakis

6. “I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.”

— Zach Galifianakis

7. “You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name – and you’ve never been to that bar before.”

— Zach Galifianakis

8. “I’ll never forget my grandmother’s last words. She said ‘What are you doing?’”

— Zach Galifianakis

9. “My New Year’s resolution was to stop saying ‘You go, girl’ to myself.”

— Zach Galifianakis

10. “I’m Greek. My body produces feta cheese.”

— Zach Galifianakis

11. “I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy.”

— Zach Galifianakis

12. “At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?”

— Zach Galifianakis

13. “You know you’re getting fat when your socks don’t fit.”

— Zach Galifianakis

14. “I know my face is turning red. I don’t want you to interpret it as being embarrassed. It’s rage. The color of my face is rage.”

— Zach Galifianakis

15. “My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.”

— Zach Galifianakis

16. “Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.”

— Zach Galifianakis

17. “Hookers don’t like to snuggle.”

— Zach Galifianakis

18. “When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.”

— Zach Galifianakis

19. “A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don’t kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong.”

— Zach Galifianakis

20. “I want to do another reality show. It’s based on The Mole. It’s about sexually transmitted diseases. It’s called “God, I Hope That’s a Mole.””

— Zach Galifianakis

21. “If you read my blog, you know I’m a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.”

— Zach Galifianakis

22. “Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That’s So Raven?”

— Zach Galifianakis

23. “I don’t mean to be gross, but the only time it’s good to yell “I have diarrhea” is when you’re playing Scrabble because it’s worth a shitload of points.”

— Zach Galifianakis

24. “You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.”

— Zach Galifianakis

25. “I don’t want to do an edgy show, I didn’t want bad language. I think edginess is the new hackiness.”

— Zach Galifianakis

26. “My name is Zach Galifianakis and I hope I’m pronouncing that right. I’m named after my granddad, my middle name. My name is Zach Granddad Galifianakis.”

— Zach Galifianakis

27. “I have a 60-acre farm in North Carolina, and I have a tractor and a farmhouse. As soon as I groom the land, I want to put cabins around and have a place where people can write and hang out. It’ll be either that or an all-black nudist colony.”

— Zach Galifianakis

28. “My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn’t laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.”

— Zach Galifianakis

29. “Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they’re done towards yourself.”

— Zach Galifianakis

30. “I have to stop crying when I watch “The View”. It’s not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.”

— Zach Galifianakis

31. “My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.”

— Zach Galifianakis

32. “I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and lost. Like myself in real life.”

— Zach Galifianakis

Featured in: Real Quotes

33. “I’ve always wanted to have a Greek sitcom called Olive Lucy.”

— Zach Galifianakis

34. “We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I’ve ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the ‘Girlfriend in a Coma’ is, like, really funny.”

— Zach Galifianakis

35. “My forte is awkwardness.”

— Zach Galifianakis

36. “It’s not good for comedy to be like, ‘Thanks for liking me.’ Being popular is poison.”

— Zach Galifianakis

37. “I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night, so I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza’s star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, ‘Who’s the boss now?’”

— Zach Galifianakis

38. “I’ve always been attracted to sad. If you look at Woody Allen movies, he’s often playing a sad clown, and it’s always been interesting. And angry clown is even more interesting.”

— Zach Galifianakis

39. “I’m writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It’s called: Stop Staring at Me!”

— Zach Galifianakis

Featured in: Book Quotes

40. “Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.”

— Zach Galifianakis

41. “There was a long time where I was an ‘artist’ in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend.”

— Zach Galifianakis

42. “My real last name is Galifianakisburg.”

— Zach Galifianakis

Featured in: Real Quotes

43. “Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I’m not that kind of person.”

— Zach Galifianakis

44. “I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, ‘Dude, Where’s My Spaceship’”

— Zach Galifianakis

45. “I think if they put a laugh track on ‘Intervention,’ it would be funny.”

— Zach Galifianakis

46. “When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria – not necessarily by choice – but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren’t there.”

— Zach Galifianakis

47. “My dad doesn’t get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn’t understand them. He’s just laughing because people around him are laughing.”

— Zach Galifianakis

48. “I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.”

— Zach Galifianakis

49. “You’re not supposed to be accepting trophies. You’re supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies.”

— Zach Galifianakis

50. “I call my balls the bush twins.”

— Zach Galifianakis