Top 100 Adam Carolla Quotes (2025 Update)
Page 2 of 3

51. “No, I had not read any other comedian’s book. Not that I don’t enjoy other comedians; I’m just not a reader.”

— Adam Carolla

52. “People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.”

— Adam Carolla

53. “The truth is we’re all probably more creative than we realize, except we spend our lives watching TV or reading somebody else’s book. We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.”

— Adam Carolla

54. “If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?”

— Adam Carolla

55. “The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.”

— Adam Carolla

56. “All TV is, is really: ‘Don’t you want to be this, aren’t you glad you’re not that.’ There’s nothing really in the middle.”

— Adam Carolla

57. “Humans need challenges to overcome, just like a muscle needs resistance to grow. In a zero-gravity environment, an astronaut’s muscles atrophy because there is no resistance. The government giving you a bunch of handouts and living your life for you is the equivalent of doing push-ups in outer space. Big government is like the void of space – it’s massive, constantly expanding, and if we immerse ourselves in it, we’ll simply wither away.”

— Adam Carolla

58. “I don’t have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody.”

— Adam Carolla

59. “A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money. Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money – do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.”

— Adam Carolla

60. “I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they’re making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.”

— Adam Carolla

61. “Dr. Drew has always said, “accept reality on reality’s terms.”

— Adam Carolla

62. “People look at me, and they go, ‘You’re white, you’re smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.’”

— Adam Carolla

63. “What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.”

— Adam Carolla

64. “Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?”

— Adam Carolla

65. “Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.”

— Adam Carolla

66. “If you’re a guy, you have absolutely no idea what’s going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here’s what you know: you know when you’re getting laid, and you know when it’s all over. Those are the only two things you’re aware of.”

— Adam Carolla

67. “If you want to know where someone is at physically, mentally, financially, and spiritually, look at where they’re living.”

— Adam Carolla

68. “You shouldn’t be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.”

— Adam Carolla

69. “If you are tuning in just for the show, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.”

— Adam Carolla

70. “I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.”

— Adam Carolla

71. “We’re a morbidly obese rainbow.”

— Adam Carolla

72. “I’m a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.”

— Adam Carolla

73. “Life is just the time between crapping yourself.”

— Adam Carolla

74. “It’s like the Fouth of July in my underpants.”

— Adam Carolla

75. “I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.”

— Adam Carolla

76. “The government is a giant corporation with no competition that is constantly trying to keep you off balance so it can siphon more money from you.”

— Adam Carolla

77. “I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I’ve worked with women, I’ve never had an issue with women.”

— Adam Carolla

78. “When you’re picking a basketball team, you’ll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you’re playing the odds.”

— Adam Carolla

79. “I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I’ll never get to do that.”

— Adam Carolla

80. “I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.”

— Adam Carolla

81. “Now the poles have gotten so far apart that anyone who isn’t officiating a gay wedding at a Whole Foods is considered to be to the right of Rush Limbaugh.”

— Adam Carolla

82. “Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.”

— Adam Carolla

83. “There’s no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I’m a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.”

— Adam Carolla

84. “Unfinished Beer Guy: I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a party on a Saturday night, and then walk around for an hour on Sunday morning, tearfully emptying 2,600 unfinished beers. I feel like the guys who removed the bodies from a Civil War battlefield.”

— Adam Carolla

85. “The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.”

— Adam Carolla

86. “My life is about building and working and wrenching on some cars.”

— Adam Carolla

87. “I don’t normally vote. I’m lazy and I never bought into the ‘Every vote counts.’”

— Adam Carolla

88. “It’s funny when you’re a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.”

— Adam Carolla

89. “I’m really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it’s a million miles down the road.”

— Adam Carolla

90. “If you’re conservative in Hollywood, you’re on a list of people who need to be put in their place.”

— Adam Carolla

91. “Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.”

— Adam Carolla

92. “Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do...”

— Adam Carolla

93. “We have brains and we have books.”

— Adam Carolla

94. “A lot of people would say, to be truthful is to tell all, every dalliance, every crisis. They might be right on paper, but in practice, it’s not a great way to go.”

— Adam Carolla

95. “I’ve never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I’ve never left behind.”

— Adam Carolla

96. “I don’t know why I seem to be the only one who understands that when the government provides something for free – whether it’s food, housing, or health care – there is a human cost.”

— Adam Carolla

97. “I have no connection with Hollywood. I’m not interested. I don’t care.”

— Adam Carolla

98. “I’m a comedian, not a politician.”

— Adam Carolla

99. “They’re not vegetarians because they love cows and pigs, it’s because they love attention.”

— Adam Carolla

100. “I’ve always boxed, I always taught boxing.”

— Adam Carolla