Top 100 Adam Carolla Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Don’t do your best, do my best.”

— Adam Carolla

2. “I know everything because I know nothing.”

— Adam Carolla

3. “In changing the definitions of words, we have lost all sense of meaning and, simultaneously, our minds.”

— Adam Carolla

4. “Then there’s the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I’d be, a sweatpants lesbian.”

— Adam Carolla

5. “Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they’re so suggestible.”

— Adam Carolla

6. “My motto is “more mystery, less history”.”

— Adam Carolla

7. “No one is depressed when they’re being chased by a bear.”

— Adam Carolla

8. “Welfare is monetary methadone.”

— Adam Carolla

9. “You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.”

— Adam Carolla

10. “I’m like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.”

— Adam Carolla

11. “The very definition of ‘beauty’ is outside.”

— Adam Carolla

12. “I don’t know anything about computers.”

— Adam Carolla

13. “I feel like I’m a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.”

— Adam Carolla

14. “California is like the hot blond high school chick who’s been getting by on her looks, but now she’s 45 and falling apart.”

— Adam Carolla

15. “Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you’re gay.”

— Adam Carolla

16. “I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I’m not interested in hurting their feelings.”

— Adam Carolla

17. “People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.”

— Adam Carolla

18. “I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.”

— Adam Carolla

19. “The Aston Martin is a beautiful car. It’s a work of art, I love the interior and the style of the car.”

— Adam Carolla

20. “Everyone keeps saying, “Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating.” It’s like saying, “How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she’s been with Brad Pitt?” I don’t care.”

— Adam Carolla

21. “When I’m in power, here’s how I’m gonna put the country back on its feet. I’m going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the ’tardiest of the ’tards like the thick crust.”

— Adam Carolla

22. “I’d never hurt another person.”

— Adam Carolla

23. “It’s something I’ve always kicked around, not doing the eBook but the Rich Man, Poor Man thing.”

— Adam Carolla

24. “I’m not sexist, I’m just a realist.”

— Adam Carolla

25. “I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that’s out of this world. I’ll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn’t have to be between Thai and Mexican every night. Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food.”

— Adam Carolla

26. “People are stupid. There’s a lot of dumb stuff that’s successful.”

— Adam Carolla

27. “That’s the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can’t pursue your dream till you’re 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you.”

— Adam Carolla

28. “Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!”

— Adam Carolla

29. “To make something, you have to work within your abilities. Honestly assess what you can do and even more important, what can’t you do.”

— Adam Carolla

30. “My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.”

— Adam Carolla

31. “When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.”

— Adam Carolla

32. “I used to be a Democrat, now I’m basically a Republican.”

— Adam Carolla

33. “I’m harmless. I don’t have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. When people know you’re that way, you can say stuff that the creepy guy at your office could never get away with.”

— Adam Carolla

34. “I guess my feeling is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make.”

— Adam Carolla

35. “Maybe it’s weird, but I don’t feel in any way, shape or form that I’m taking over his show.”

— Adam Carolla

36. “Maybe I’m delusional but I’m usually funny. It’s not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.”

— Adam Carolla

37. “If you spend your life walking through somebody else’s museum, you never find out whether you’re Rembrandt or not.”

— Adam Carolla

38. “Figure out what to do, then take a nap.”

— Adam Carolla

39. “I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.”

— Adam Carolla

40. “It should be like a salmon taking to open water. I’ve done so much morning radio that I won’t be overwhelmed by it, but it’s still going to be a challenge.”

— Adam Carolla

41. “The Zipper is scarier than any ride at Six Flags because there is a real element of danger. It was put together that morning by a guy who was smoking and sipping off a flask while he was doing it. And the House of Mirrors is a disaster. It’s a fun house where the fun is head trauma from running into a sheet of glass.”

— Adam Carolla

42. “When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it’s about fudge packing and triple D’s at 13.”

— Adam Carolla

43. “Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.”

— Adam Carolla

44. “There are certain things women are better at than men.”

— Adam Carolla

45. “If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.”

— Adam Carolla

46. “I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.”

— Adam Carolla

47. “When you do television, there’s more to do, and when you do new television, there’s a lot more to do, especially when you don’t have partner. I miss not having that person.”

— Adam Carolla

48. “I didn’t have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.”

— Adam Carolla

49. “Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.”

— Adam Carolla

50. “I’m just a normal guy with some good solid common sense who has zero tolerance for those with zero intelligence.”

— Adam Carolla