Top 160 Dane Cook Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “Here’s how you know that you’re really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.”

— Dane Cook

52. “When a guy says “I have no idea what you’re talking about” it means “I’m thinking of exactly what you’re saying I did while I lie to you.””

— Dane Cook

53. “Every joke has its origin – the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.”

— Dane Cook

54. “How do you fall into a lion’s den, that is my first question there, you think you would be extra carefull around a den of lions.”

— Dane Cook

55. “Text a guy you like right now, “I’m thinking about you.” If he says, “mmm are you in bed?” Never speak to him again he’s a lifelong moron.”

— Dane Cook

56. “Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That’s when guys get all TBS around you because we think it’s very funny.”

— Dane Cook

57. “Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, ‘Let’s have some yum yums!’ You would get in line – you would jump in the line – and you would go up and get the crouton O’Christ.”

— Dane Cook

58. “It’s the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.”

— Dane Cook

59. “Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don’t feel a thing when you know you can still win.”

— Dane Cook

60. “I’ve been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.”

— Dane Cook

61. “Ma’am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?”

— Dane Cook

62. “Created a word game to play with a person you’re fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?”

— Dane Cook

63. “I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I’d always say ‘Why not me?’”

— Dane Cook

64. “Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.”

— Dane Cook

65. “Video games don’t make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.”

— Dane Cook

66. “It really drives me banana sangwich.”

— Dane Cook

67. “I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.”

— Dane Cook

68. “Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He’ll come to a lot of my shows. It’s not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.”

— Dane Cook

69. “What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.”

— Dane Cook

70. “Sometimes, when a person gains a lot of success at a very young age, they become targets, and it’s really easy to follow the crowds and not make independent decisions based on truly how you feel.”

— Dane Cook

71. “Hi, I’m a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.”

— Dane Cook

72. “Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they’ll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they’ll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: “Hey, perfect.””

— Dane Cook

73. “I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.”

— Dane Cook

74. “I’m curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth.”

— Dane Cook

75. “I’m not racist, I’ve got a black president.”

— Dane Cook

76. “I’m bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.”

— Dane Cook

77. “If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.”

— Dane Cook

78. “You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.”

— Dane Cook

79. “Let’s talk a little about love. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn’t go so great and I call that a relationshit!”

— Dane Cook

80. “Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly?”

— Dane Cook

81. “A lot of comics are kind of vampire types; we do our shows and disappear into the night. My philosophy was, this is like politics, and if I want people to know about my campaign, I’m going to go out there and shake hands.”

— Dane Cook

82. “Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are.”

— Dane Cook

83. “I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it’s with an elderly person holding a baby.”

— Dane Cook

84. “The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.”

— Dane Cook

85. “You have to realize, when you’re a comedian, that you have to have a thick skin. And trust me, being onstage in front of people is already difficult enough. Somebody’s personal attack in an email is not as hard as getting onstage.”

— Dane Cook

86. “You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.”

— Dane Cook

87. “In the year 3000, everything will be instant.”

— Dane Cook

88. “Any guy that refers to dating women as the hunt or being on the prowl should be evaluated for a number of conditions.”

— Dane Cook

89. “I don’t like people that litter. If you don’t throw a wrapper in the trashcan and you just toss it out on the ground I wanna take you and toss you into outer space.”

— Dane Cook

90. “Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person’s life, stay out of it.”

— Dane Cook

91. “You can’t teach an old hater new truths.”

— Dane Cook

92. “It’s amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.”

— Dane Cook

93. “My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.”

— Dane Cook

94. “I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I’ll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.”

— Dane Cook

95. “I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I’m not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something’s bad.”

— Dane Cook

96. “I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?”

— Dane Cook

97. “I was told by a girl once that I should teach a course on how to kiss properly. I thought that was really a nice compliment. I then asked her what she thought about my sexual prowess and she recommended I talk to a guy she used to date. Body blow.”

— Dane Cook

98. “You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.”

— Dane Cook

99. “You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you’re probably going to be a part of the routine quite a bit.”

— Dane Cook

100. “I don’t hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I’m pleasant.”

— Dane Cook