Top 160 Dane Cook Quotes (2025 Update)
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101. “You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.”

— Dane Cook

102. “If you think your demeanor is mellow or not particularly charismatic, the material can life you higher. So write everyday, and get onstage or in a coffee shop where they are doing open mice, anywhere you can perform even if that means starting your own open mic night – and be your own self.”

— Dane Cook

103. “I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.”

— Dane Cook

104. “If you’re drunk please don’t drive. If you’re on shrooms please don’t think Walmart’s a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.”

— Dane Cook

105. “I love singing along to the radio while I’m riding in the back of a squad car.”

— Dane Cook

106. “Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they’ll rebel and make the right ones.”

— Dane Cook

107. “Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?”

— Dane Cook

108. “I work with a lot of kids. Every year, for the past fifteen years, I work at Comedy Camp where I work with a lot of kids.”

— Dane Cook

109. “Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.”

— Dane Cook

110. “I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don’t think I’m funny.”

— Dane Cook

111. “I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle.”

— Dane Cook

112. “I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.”

— Dane Cook

113. “I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.”

— Dane Cook

114. “Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I’m assuming the kids safe and we’re just focusing on the pooch.”

— Dane Cook

115. “The whole thing with comedy is that you are always in control. Writer, director, actor, producer, and sometimes bouncer. And you are just a piece of their puzzle.”

— Dane Cook

116. “I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I’d get into psychology.”

— Dane Cook

117. “I want to be able to challenge myself. And do things that are away from what I usually do. Stand-up is safe for me. I can do stand-up in front of twenty-five thousand people, and I’m like, “I know how to do this. This is what I do.” I want to be a little scared.”

— Dane Cook

118. “I would love to have acidy spit.”

— Dane Cook

119. “You know you’re lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.”

— Dane Cook

120. “That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it.”

— Dane Cook

121. “I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it’s so different from standup.”

— Dane Cook

122. “When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.”

— Dane Cook

123. “Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.”

— Dane Cook

124. “Comedy is immediate. Comedy is a solo mission. You’re all by yourself, up there. And when you’re in a film, on a set, it’s a collaborative effort. It’s about me being a tool for somebody else to create a story and a character from nothing, from their imagination.”

— Dane Cook

125. “I’m sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show.”

— Dane Cook

126. “I’m quitting the business today. I’m going to open up an appliance store, I’ve always really been into toasters. I’m giving it all up.”

— Dane Cook

127. “It’s hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can’t find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.”

— Dane Cook

128. “I was not abandoned as a child. I left.”

— Dane Cook

129. “I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people – how they act and such.”

— Dane Cook

130. “I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.”

— Dane Cook

131. “You can’t become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.”

— Dane Cook

132. “If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.”

— Dane Cook

133. “Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.”

— Dane Cook

134. “Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!”

— Dane Cook

135. “Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.”

— Dane Cook

136. “If my voice can resonate that way with kids, maybe it will resonate through ‘Planes’ as well, and they’ll hear that little something that I’m giving to them, a performance that says to them, “I want to try.” It’s all interconnected. I don’t think it’s thinking too deeply about it.”

— Dane Cook

137. “I’m willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it’s a little thing called Chupacabra.”

— Dane Cook

138. “I’m focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more.”

— Dane Cook

139. “We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.”

— Dane Cook

140. “In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.”

— Dane Cook

141. “I don’t know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.”

— Dane Cook

142. “I’m really great in other peoples relationships.”

— Dane Cook

143. “You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.”

— Dane Cook

144. “The key to attempting to create art in some aspect is also knowing that it will turn some people off.”

— Dane Cook

145. “I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.”

— Dane Cook

146. “I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.”

— Dane Cook

147. “I don’t write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.”

— Dane Cook

148. “When I have a really hot date at a show, I definitely make it a point to use her name. The girls really love that.”

— Dane Cook

149. “There were times, earlier in my career, where I didn’t have the wherewithal to self-edit, and I probably said things and pushed the limits to places where people might be put off. But that’s truly part of developing as an artist.”

— Dane Cook

150. “I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.”

— Dane Cook