Top 160 Dane Cook Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.”

— Dane Cook

2. “You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I’m the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.”

— Dane Cook

3. “I’m not giving up on life. I’m giving up on today.”

— Dane Cook

Featured in: Not Giving Up Quotes

4. “Every great thing starts with an idea, followed by a doubt and finally a resolve to abandon or pursue. Victory is a treacherous journey.”

— Dane Cook

5. “I’m a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.”

— Dane Cook

6. “When people refer to ‘Back in the Day,’ it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.”

— Dane Cook

Featured in: Fun Quotes

7. “Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.”

— Dane Cook

8. “If haters or whatever want to find you – I mean, some of them are so tenacious. You want to hire them to work for you. Theyre very, very savvy in terms of how they find you and get to you.”

— Dane Cook

9. “I live my life like there’s no yesterday.”

— Dane Cook

10. “Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourself cry but then you’re done and you’re just glowing and you’re staring at yourself.”

— Dane Cook

11. “It’s an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn’t know you exist.”

— Dane Cook

12. “If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you’ve lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.”

— Dane Cook

13. “When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter.”

— Dane Cook

14. “I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges.”

— Dane Cook

15. “There’s estrogen running through my veins!”

— Dane Cook

16. “I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.”

— Dane Cook

17. “I’m a late-night guy.”

— Dane Cook

18. “There will be a guy in a yellow poncho, his name is Hank, he will take you to the whopper lair.”

— Dane Cook

19. “A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it’s not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it’s your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!”

— Dane Cook

20. “True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!”

— Dane Cook

21. “Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It’s not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.”

— Dane Cook

22. “I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You’d be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That’s a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I’d be able to follow the story.”

— Dane Cook

23. “Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.”

— Dane Cook

24. “There’s always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes.”

— Dane Cook

25. “We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments. When you’re headed for a breakthrough moment, it’s kind of scary because you say, ‘If I break through then I have to make great change in my life.’”

— Dane Cook

26. “When someone’s running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.”

— Dane Cook

27. “Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.”

— Dane Cook

28. “Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don’t like it.”

— Dane Cook

29. “Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on.”

— Dane Cook

30. “I can’t do anything! I can’t even have an English muffin!”

— Dane Cook

31. “Are there glass shards in my anus?”

— Dane Cook

32. “I don’t laugh out loud at comics a lot.”

— Dane Cook

33. “In the year 3000, everything will be instant.”

— Dane Cook

34. “My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.”

— Dane Cook

35. “When I’m wrong I’m like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he’ll turn Luke. Yet, when I’m right I’m a Jedi like my father before me.”

— Dane Cook

36. “I do think I am funny, or I wouldn’t be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and learning.”

— Dane Cook

37. “Even when I go to a salad bar, I need to feel like I’m one of the first people there.”

— Dane Cook

38. “You are the director of your own life story. Don’t cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.”

— Dane Cook

Featured in: Quotes About Stories

39. “You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.”

— Dane Cook

40. “My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He’s in jail now.”

— Dane Cook

41. “When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion.”

— Dane Cook

42. “Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.”

— Dane Cook

43. “I feel like people who don’t brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they’re hiding something more even exciting.”

— Dane Cook

44. “I don’t like littering and I think it leads to terrorist activities.”

— Dane Cook

45. “My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.”

— Dane Cook

46. “I’m fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.”

— Dane Cook

47. “What happens in Vegas, I’m telling everyone.”

— Dane Cook

48. “If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it’s still a negative. You’re just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is.”

— Dane Cook

49. “I don’t like when juice wears tights, its a horrible combination when juice wears tights.”

— Dane Cook

50. “I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.”

— Dane Cook