Top 180 Dennis Miller Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.”

— Dennis Miller

52. “You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R’s only one begins with an R.”

— Dennis Miller

53. “Political Correctness is inverted McCarthyism.”

— Dennis Miller

54. “The world is so ass-backwards it almost makes you wish you were dyslexic.”

— Dennis Miller

55. “I like money. It’s fun to fold and stack and smell and look at. It’s just plain fun to count money, and I often do it in a loud falsetto while wearing nothing but a captain’s hat and a coin changer.”

— Dennis Miller

56. “I’m like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.”

— Dennis Miller

57. “I used to be sceptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I’m getting screwed.”

— Dennis Miller

58. “If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion.”

— Dennis Miller

59. “I preume there are far too many abortions performed in this country. And I also believe that at the end of the day, as much as I might disapprove, none of them are really any of my business.”

— Dennis Miller

60. “Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu’s triplets!”

— Dennis Miller

61. “I come from that earlier time in America when palm pilot was a nickname you recieved upon entering puberty! I was more than a palm pilot I was the palm Chuck Jager. Tom Wolfe wrote a book about me called The Right Hand Stuff. I was the only guy in my class hip enough to move to the European grip.”

— Dennis Miller

62. “I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.”

— Dennis Miller

63. “In the late twentieth century, staying sober has become just as much an addiction as getting wasted.”

— Dennis Miller

64. “Why should I hate someone on the basis of their religion, when I can take a little time to get to know them and hate them for a myriad of real reasons.”

— Dennis Miller

65. “It’s wrong to discriminate based on skin color when there are so many other reasons not to like someone.”

— Dennis Miller

66. “Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”

— Dennis Miller

67. “He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie O’Donnell’s house.”

— Dennis Miller

68. “Growing up, my family wasn’t very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets...”

— Dennis Miller

69. “Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target?”

— Dennis Miller

70. “If some unemployed punk in New Jersey, can get a cassette to make love to Elle McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality stuff is going to make crack look like Sanka.”

— Dennis Miller

71. “Homosexuals are entering the mainstream, because they’re becoming as boring and as tedious as any other splinter group.”

— Dennis Miller

72. “If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. The herd has a way of thinning itself out.”

— Dennis Miller

73. “There’s nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you’re insightful about it.”

— Dennis Miller

74. “The American auto industry is blowing up like a 1976 Ford Pinto.”

— Dennis Miller

75. “I’m left on a lot of things. If two gay guys want to get married, I could care less. If a nut case from overseas wants to blow up their wedding, that’s when I’m right.”

— Dennis Miller

76. “Ouch! And Marino goes down quicker than his Boonesfarm-infused sister in the back of my ’68 Cutlass on our first date after watching ‘Love Story’ at the drive-in.”

— Dennis Miller

77. “When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar’s tomb.”

— Dennis Miller

78. “I haven’t seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.”

— Dennis Miller

79. “And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow.”

— Dennis Miller

80. “The Nazi signs have got to stop. If you’re in a peace march and the guy next to you has a sign saying that ‘Bush is Hitler,’ forget the peace thing for a second and beat his ass, because he is not Hitler.”

— Dennis Miller

81. “I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of Whole Lotta Love.”

— Dennis Miller

82. “The way I’ve always governed my life as far as fiscal policy goes is I’m smart enough to know that I’m dumb about it, so I surround myself with smart people in much the same way a hole surrounds itself with a doughnut. I just pay things off. That’s all I do.”

— Dennis Miller

83. “Pop – Pop culture has turned the brain into the body’s new appendix – no real function, and it could quite possibly blow up and mill you. As organs go, you just don’t need your brain anymore!”

— Dennis Miller

84. “America may be the best country in the world, but that’s kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.”

— Dennis Miller

85. “South African schoolchildren set a world record this week by creating the world’s longest clothesline. Hey, what do South Africans wash their clothes with? Apar-Tide!”

— Dennis Miller

86. “But the biggest fake of the year, Paul Begala’s last smile.”

— Dennis Miller

87. “If you could use the Internet somehow to see how a Fiji sailor is doing, rather than having to read a text version of it somewhere a day later, that would be great.”

— Dennis Miller

88. “On Thursday, a passenger forced his way into the cockpit of a United Airlines flight from Miami, but was subdued after the co-pilot hit him with a small ax. Good to see our airlines are being kept secure by the latest in 12th century technology.”

— Dennis Miller

89. “Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks.”

— Dennis Miller

90. “I’m sorry, those pictures from the Abu Ghraib. At first, they, like infuriated me, I was sad. Then like, a couple days later, after they cut the guy’s head off, they didn’t seem like much. And now, I like to trade them with my friends.”

— Dennis Miller

91. “Martha Stewart denied allegations that she had been given inside information to sell 4,000 shares of a stock in a biotech firm about to go under. Stewart then showed her audience how to make a festive, quick-burning yule log out of freshly-shredded financial documents.”

— Dennis Miller

92. “I don’t need to be born again. I got it right the first time.”

— Dennis Miller

93. “When you’re sharing a mud hole with a wildebeest derriere in sub-Saharan Africa, that’s a living hell.”

— Dennis Miller

94. “A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.”

— Dennis Miller

95. “There’s no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn’t get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh.”

— Dennis Miller

96. “The very definition of the innate hollowness of leading a political life when you end up on your nearest and dearest moments or most personal evenings with donors. That should – that should tell you all you need to know about the ramble that is politics.”

— Dennis Miller

97. “And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don’t give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don’t talk about Fight Club.”

— Dennis Miller

98. “I know we don’t like to vote – marking your ballot nowadays is like choosing between the 3am showing of Beastmaster on Showtime and the 3am showing of Beastmaster 2 on Cinemax.”

— Dennis Miller

99. “A new poll shows that Senator Kerry’s support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry’s appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.”

— Dennis Miller

100. “Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?”

— Dennis Miller