Top 180 Dennis Miller Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.”

— Dennis Miller

102. “Everyone wants answers and wants to know what the timeline is. Unfortunately, it’s a complex situation, and we don’t have the final answers yet.”

— Dennis Miller

103. “I’d rather be funny than wise.”

— Dennis Miller

104. “We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.”

— Dennis Miller

105. “There will be select instances where the consumer is interested in paying for premium content. I think it will be difficult to get people to pay for something on the Internet that they can find elsewhere on the Internet for free.”

— Dennis Miller

106. “American’s could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.”

— Dennis Miller

107. “Ray Lewis knifed through those offensive linemen like a sucker-punch switchblade slicing between the ribs of some inebriated trash-talking punk outside a sports bar.”

— Dennis Miller

108. “It’s ironic that in our culture everyone’s biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.”

— Dennis Miller

109. “A lot of people voting for Pat Buchanan say they are doing so to send a message. Apparently that message is, ‘Hey, look at me, I’m an idiot.’”

— Dennis Miller

110. “It takes zero politically correct people to screw in a lightbulb because they are perpetually in the dark.”

— Dennis Miller

111. “Half the people I look who are health food addicts look sickly to me. Let’s start taxing health food. Somebody force a burger down some of these people’s jaw because they look a little pale and wan to me.”

— Dennis Miller

112. “How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same – we haven’t got anybody watching.”

— Dennis Miller

113. “I’m one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.”

— Dennis Miller

114. “I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I’ve had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I’m asked to leave.”

— Dennis Miller

115. “When your mother starts using the word “party” as a verb about her kid, that’s absolutely crazy.”

— Dennis Miller

116. “How many of those dead animals you see on the highway are suicides?”

— Dennis Miller

117. “Laughter is one of the great beacons in life because we don’t refract it by gunning it through our intellectual prism. What makes us laugh is a mystery – an involuntary response.”

— Dennis Miller

118. “That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding tour of Cartagena.”

— Dennis Miller

119. “Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through ‘Aida.’”

— Dennis Miller

120. “I have a nice house. And when somebody says it’s a palace, I always feel like we’re digging a little or something.”

— Dennis Miller

121. “That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.”

— Dennis Miller

122. “Al Gore couldn’t be more phony if he were a professional Al Gore impersonator.”

— Dennis Miller

123. “It’s nice to be included in the broadcast food chain.”

— Dennis Miller

124. “The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan’s knee on souvenir pipe night.”

— Dennis Miller

125. “Detroit’s so bad this year they might lose their bye week.”

— Dennis Miller

126. “If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago.”

— Dennis Miller

127. “Obama better hope a kicked ass is covered by Obamacare.”

— Dennis Miller

128. “The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.”

— Dennis Miller

129. “And I know your next move, I watch you so much, ‘There’s been no proven link between the secular state of Iraq and al-Qaeda!’ Come on. They both think we’re Satan. Isn’t that a nice starting point? Why are you so loathe to believe they might have each other on lunatic speed dial?”

— Dennis Miller

130. “We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.”

— Dennis Miller

131. “Remember, when you connect with another computer, you’re connecting to every computer that computer has connected to.”

— Dennis Miller

132. “After September 11th, freedom of speech in America has become a topic that’s touchier than a Vatican summer camp.”

— Dennis Miller

133. “Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was.”

— Dennis Miller

134. “Nothing ruins the mood during foreplay more than the recurring image of your sixty-five-year-old homeroom teacher trying to stretch a condom over a cucumber.”

— Dennis Miller

135. “Ah, Feminism in the nineties, what a What is yours what is mine field.”

— Dennis Miller

136. “Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day.”

— Dennis Miller

137. “I’ve seen better coverage at an Alan Keyes press conference.”

— Dennis Miller

138. “The Democrats continue to snipe at Bush. They’ll never give it up to him. You know Teddy Kennedy and Tom Daschle pick more nits than a father and son spider monkey team who know they’re being followed by a National Geographic film crew.”

— Dennis Miller

139. “President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.”

— Dennis Miller

140. “Any time your parent says they party with you, that is its own form of child abuse.”

— Dennis Miller

141. “Nowadays, with history not being taught anymore in American public schools, self-esteem is taking its place.”

— Dennis Miller

142. “I went to the UN and even the guidebook was spineless.”

— Dennis Miller

143. “The American education system couldn’t be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.”

— Dennis Miller

144. “Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.”

— Dennis Miller

145. “I’m extremely moved by the loving, caring relationship the President always seems to have with his imaginary son.”

— Dennis Miller

146. “I’m glad I don’t have a lot of money in the market. And quite frankly, you’d be better off giving your money to a colorblind roulette addict than put it in the stock market.”

— Dennis Miller

147. “Parenting is the easiest job to get – you just have to screw up once and it’s yours.”

— Dennis Miller

148. “What’s so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It’s like a shock and aw shucks campaign.”

— Dennis Miller

149. “Let me use their own terminology against them. They aborted a child in the 200th trimester.”

— Dennis Miller

150. “Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.”

— Dennis Miller