Top 180 Dennis Miller Quotes (2024 Update)
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151. “I’m extremely moved by the loving, caring relationship the President always seems to have with his imaginary son.”

— Dennis Miller

152. “Parenting is the easiest job to get – you just have to screw up once and it’s yours.”

— Dennis Miller

153. “What’s so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It’s like a shock and aw shucks campaign.”

— Dennis Miller

154. “The Patriots deflated balls are but an allegory for America’s deflated balls in dealings with Putin, the Mullahs in Iran, and Islamic terrorists.”

— Dennis Miller

155. “If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn’t be in this problem.”

— Dennis Miller

156. “The claim that somehow raw foods give you better energy, are more healthful, improve your immune system and all of that is simply not substantiated. And moreover, it’s not biologically plausible.”

— Dennis Miller

157. “To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.”

— Dennis Miller

158. “Now I don’t have anything against Mexican people, but for God’s sakes, sign the gust book on the way in.”

— Dennis Miller

159. “So who’s the big red menace nowadays? Cuba. That’s it? I’m sorry, but it’s hard to whip up any us against them nationalist fervor about a country whose principal export is citizens who can swim.”

— Dennis Miller

160. “Think of Iraq as “East Korea,” because it was a shoot the cuffs war for the edification of Kim Jong Il to let him know we’ve now circled the SUVs. Iraq was about breaking adhesions, getting lean, staying frosty – in short, getting ready for the big Doug MacArthur Memorial Cage Match to come.”

— Dennis Miller

161. “That secondary provides worse coverage than a Guatemalan HMO.”

— Dennis Miller

162. “Is it just me, or are the 49ers doing an awful lot of ass-patting today?”

— Dennis Miller

163. “Dennis Kucinich’s politics are more scrambled than Rod Steiger’s dream journal.”

— Dennis Miller

164. “A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That’s the second hand, George.”

— Dennis Miller

165. “I’m glad I don’t have a lot of money in the market. And quite frankly, you’d be better off giving your money to a colorblind roulette addict than put it in the stock market.”

— Dennis Miller

166. “When I went to college, I lived on campus, and the guys I hung out with made the characters in Revenge of the Nerds look like the Rat Pack in 1962. I, myself made that kid Booger look like Remington Steele.”

— Dennis Miller

167. “Should I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend?”

— Dennis Miller

168. “Any time your parent says they party with you, that is its own form of child abuse.”

— Dennis Miller

169. “Wouldn’t it be great if all of Osama bin Laden’s money was tied-up in Enron stock?”

— Dennis Miller

170. “I’ll say this about the war protesters: At least most of them are only putting duct tape across their mouths so I can still tell the rest of them to blow it out their ass.”

— Dennis Miller

171. “Listen, the weather is just like Hillary’s explanation for her war vote: we just don’t know, do we?”

— Dennis Miller

172. “Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.”

— Dennis Miller

173. “Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation’s highways.”

— Dennis Miller

174. “I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.”

— Dennis Miller

175. “For the foreseeable future, we’re going to need oil products because I don’t like the idea of hydrogen cars. I’m not sure I want to be cruising around a mall parking lot filled with a thousand mini-Hindenburgs.”

— Dennis Miller

176. “Companionate Conservatism – Making the streets safer before people are kicked out onto them.”

— Dennis Miller

177. “The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.”

— Dennis Miller

178. “Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living.”

— Dennis Miller

179. “The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God.”

— Dennis Miller

180. “They have an amazing proliferation of TV channels now: The all-cartoon channel, the 24-hour-science fiction channel. Of course, to make room for these they got rid of the Literacy Channel and the What’s Left of Civilization Channel.”

— Dennis Miller

181. “I have sympathy for any human being that’s driven by their limbic part of their brain. We all know that exists in a person.”

— Dennis Miller

182. “What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?”

— Dennis Miller

183. “Drop the veneer periodically and be like “OK, I’m an imperfect human. Let’s try to get through this.””

— Dennis Miller

184. “The White House again refused to turn over discussions Vice President Cheney had with Enron officials over energy policy. Cheney said if he had to disclose every time some business donated a ton of money then came in to write its own policy to govern itself, he wouldn’t get any work done.”

— Dennis Miller

185. “Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don’t find these weapons of mass destruction. It’s enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.”

— Dennis Miller

186. “The radical right is so homophobic that they’re blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.”

— Dennis Miller

187. “A third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. The reality? Women don’t like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.”

— Dennis Miller

188. “Somebody call Janet Reno – I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!”

— Dennis Miller

189. “The average American’s day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles’s dart board.”

— Dennis Miller

190. “Somebody can say they don’t understand why somebody drifts. But I’ve always found people who drift interesting, ’cause it shows me the game’s not stagnant in their own head. They’re thinking.”

— Dennis Miller

191. “Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don’t pay attention.”

— Dennis Miller

192. “I don’t have credibility, I’m a comedian.”

— Dennis Miller

193. “By and large, I think it should be a rule in the teacher employment manual that you can’t go attend any event where if you took your classroom on a student field trip, they would summarily be obliterated. That should be rule No. 1.”

— Dennis Miller