Top 180 Dennis Miller Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “Sometimes you just have the thin the herd.”

— Dennis Miller

2. “Of course, that’s just my opinion. I could be wrong.”

— Dennis Miller

3. “It’s foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.”

— Dennis Miller

4. “I rant, therefore I am.”

— Dennis Miller

5. “Twitter! Never have lives been less lived and more chronicled!”

— Dennis Miller

6. “We are simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra. And the Chairman didn’t make his bones laying down for punks...”

— Dennis Miller

7. “A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.”

— Dennis Miller

8. “I haven’t seen anyone rely on the ground game this much since the battle of Verdun.”

— Dennis Miller

9. “Xenophobia doesn’t benefit anybody unless you’re playing high-stakes Scrabble.”

— Dennis Miller

10. “Is global warming new? I don’t know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot.”

— Dennis Miller

11. “You’ve got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.”

— Dennis Miller

12. “Born again?! No, I’m not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.”

— Dennis Miller

13. “The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.”

— Dennis Miller

14. “A good rule of thumb is if you’ve made it to 35 and your job still requires you wear a nametag, you’ve probably made a serious vocational error.”

— Dennis Miller

15. “Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into the nursing home.”

— Dennis Miller

16. “Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.”

— Dennis Miller

17. “I think the people can bash Catholics because they know Catholics won’t kill them. Quite frankly, there’s some religions out there, you bash and they’re going to kill you.”

— Dennis Miller

18. “Now, personally, I am baffled by the concept of racial prejudice. Why hate someone based on the color of their skin when, if you take the time to get to know them as a human being, you can find so many other things to hate them for?”

— Dennis Miller

19. “The Cowboy’s defense has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts.”

— Dennis Miller

20. “Branson, Missouri, is Vegas for people with no teeth.”

— Dennis Miller

21. “We’ve got Nancy Pelosi. She never shuts up. It’s just occasionally we have to hood her like a falcon so we can get some sleep.”

— Dennis Miller

22. “Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.”

— Dennis Miller

23. “Americans stick their nose where it doesn’t belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.”

— Dennis Miller

24. “Women don’t like guys who are dangerous. Women just want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.”

— Dennis Miller

25. “Everybody is full of crap. The coin of the realm is being full of crap. The best people – being full of crap are our leaders and our superstars.”

— Dennis Miller

26. “Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God’s way of letting you know that you’re having too good a time.”

— Dennis Miller

27. “What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.”

— Dennis Miller

28. “The Mexican people I know seem to respect the country in a way that many spoiled brats who were born here don’t. So come on over folks, the more the merrier. But please, sign the guest book on the way in.”

— Dennis Miller

29. “There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can’t identify the victim.”

— Dennis Miller

30. “I’m actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I’m always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn’t take too much effort.”

— Dennis Miller

31. “In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you’re linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.”

— Dennis Miller

32. “Michael Moore simultaneously represents everything I detest in a human being and everything I feel obligated to defend in an American. Quite simply, it is that stupid moron’s right to be that utterly, completely wrong.”

— Dennis Miller

33. “Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.”

— Dennis Miller

34. “If you’re a man and you have big tits, don’t wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!”

— Dennis Miller

35. “I am proof that Einstein’s “e equals m c squared” is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.”

— Dennis Miller

36. “Trends don’t mean anything to me. If I like something, I’ll do it. If I don’t, I won’t do it, and I wouldn’t care if everybody in the country mocked me.”

— Dennis Miller

37. “I’m a comedian, for God’s sake. Viewers shouldn’t trust me. And you know what? They’re hip enough to know they shouldn’t trust me. I’m just doing stand-up comedy.”

— Dennis Miller

38. “The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.”

— Dennis Miller

39. “One man’s Voltaire is another man’s Screech.”

— Dennis Miller

40. “The quarterback’s spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.”

— Dennis Miller

41. “Liberals always feel your pain. Unless of course, they caused it.”

— Dennis Miller

42. “Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don’t they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.”

— Dennis Miller

43. “Bad television is three things: a bullet train to a morally bankrupt youth, a slow spiral into an intellectual void, and of course, a complete blast to watch.”

— Dennis Miller

44. “The next time you get the urge to shut somebody up because they don’t see the world exactly the same way you do, take a deep breath, get out your Bill of Rights, and count to the ten amendments.”

— Dennis Miller

45. “I’m a tad paranoid. I think the person in front of me is following me the long way round.”

— Dennis Miller

46. “There’s no more delicious irony on the face of the Earth than environmental protesters being led away in plastic handcuffs that have a biodegradability horizon line of, like, 40,000 years.”

— Dennis Miller

47. “I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don’t give a rat’s ass about the clueless.”

— Dennis Miller

48. “Nervous? He’s tighter than Pat Buchanan’s sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island.”

— Dennis Miller

49. “The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.”

— Dennis Miller

50. “That receiver was as wide open as Annabel Chong.”

— Dennis Miller