Top 160 Doug Stanhope Quotes (2025 Update)
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51. “I couldn’t be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.”

— Doug Stanhope

52. “If you’re going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.”

— Doug Stanhope

53. “I’m forty four; I’m way closer to dead than I am life of the party.”

— Doug Stanhope

54. “The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn’t quite happen.”

— Doug Stanhope

55. “Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don’t apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn ’em and share ’em. Then come to the show.”

— Doug Stanhope

56. “My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn’t afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?”

— Doug Stanhope

57. “I’m gonna film my entire life and watch it later!”

— Doug Stanhope

58. “I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn’t even know you had until tonight.”

— Doug Stanhope

59. “So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.”

— Doug Stanhope

60. “I’m not saying drinking is all that great but you know it’s got benefits; you can’t smoke somebody pretty.”

— Doug Stanhope

61. “I’m pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.”

— Doug Stanhope

62. “Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.”

— Doug Stanhope

63. “Theres a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.”

— Doug Stanhope

64. “I think a lot of women look at hookers like scabs crossing a picket line. “You can’t just go out and sell it! We’re holding out for so much more!”

— Doug Stanhope

65. “The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.”

— Doug Stanhope

66. “The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.”

— Doug Stanhope

67. “People hate people just cause they want someone different to hate.”

— Doug Stanhope

68. “A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop’s only job is to ruin the party.”

— Doug Stanhope

69. “There’s times to be dainty and times to be a pig.”

— Doug Stanhope

70. “If you get offended by words – by noises we make with our mouths – it means you were raised by bad parents.”

— Doug Stanhope

71. “I don’t have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there’s really nothing you can do about it. It’s like nuclear weapons; if they exist then eventually other people are going to have them. Maybe just take away people’s motivation to use them.”

— Doug Stanhope

72. “If you have a good product. You don’t need to advertise. You’ve done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?”

— Doug Stanhope

73. “There’s only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.”

— Doug Stanhope

74. “I’ve done coke ’til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.”

— Doug Stanhope

75. “It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.”

— Doug Stanhope

76. “Jesus died for your sins. I’m doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.”

— Doug Stanhope

77. “I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.”

— Doug Stanhope

78. “Babies are like poems. They’re beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they’re silly and they’re irritating.”

— Doug Stanhope

79. “All that stuff, tradition and heritage. It’s dead people’s baggage. Quit carrying it.”

— Doug Stanhope

80. “I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they’re scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can’t just go out and sell it for what it’s worth, we’re holding out for so much more!”

— Doug Stanhope

81. “If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?”

— Doug Stanhope

82. “I’m a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.”

— Doug Stanhope

83. “Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.”

— Doug Stanhope

84. “You’re born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that’s a law, if you get old you die, that’s a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you’re born with.”

— Doug Stanhope

85. “I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That’s why I’m a bad lover? Do you have a pill that’s gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.”

— Doug Stanhope

86. “I don’t know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.”

— Doug Stanhope

87. “What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.”

— Doug Stanhope

88. “Just for being a religion at all you’re as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.”

— Doug Stanhope

89. “Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they’re idiots and college wasn’t going to help.”

— Doug Stanhope

90. “Democracy is the worst kind of government, I’m sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?”

— Doug Stanhope

91. “I’ve jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.”

— Doug Stanhope

92. “All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself.”

— Doug Stanhope

93. “Canada, the drinking age is 18, that’s unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.”

— Doug Stanhope

94. “Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.”

— Doug Stanhope

95. “As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you’re killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.”

— Doug Stanhope

96. “I’ll defend child pornography, how about that? What’s wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?”

— Doug Stanhope

97. “The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.”

— Doug Stanhope

98. “They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you’d have something to look forward to at this point.”

— Doug Stanhope

99. “There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.”

— Doug Stanhope

100. “There’s a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.”

— Doug Stanhope