Top 160 Doug Stanhope Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “There’s no such thing as addiction, there’s only things that you enjoy doing more than life.”

— Doug Stanhope

2. “Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met.”

— Doug Stanhope

3. “If I die soon, don’t ever say I died too young.”

— Doug Stanhope

4. “I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.”

— Doug Stanhope

5. “Life is like animal porn, it’s not for everyone.”

— Doug Stanhope

6. “Shouldn’t the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?”

— Doug Stanhope

7. “Life’s temporary for a reason; it gets boring after a while.”

— Doug Stanhope

8. “You never hear in the news, ‘Two hundred killed today when atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the agnostic stronghold in the north.’”

— Doug Stanhope

9. “I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know – and that terrifies me.”

— Doug Stanhope

10. “Did you ever try to sleep sober?”

— Doug Stanhope

11. “What if I don’t want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don’t want to be led.”

— Doug Stanhope

12. “If you’re offended by any word in any language, it’s probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.”

— Doug Stanhope

13. “Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.”

— Doug Stanhope

14. “If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?”

— Doug Stanhope

15. “I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.”

— Doug Stanhope

16. “Tradition and heritage are all dead peoples baggage. Stop carrying it. Move forward.”

— Doug Stanhope

17. “When I say that asian women are beautiful it’s not a sexual thing. I’m not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.”

— Doug Stanhope

18. “Not only are the voices in your head real, but they’re accurate as well.”

— Doug Stanhope

19. “Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this.”

— Doug Stanhope

20. “At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.”

— Doug Stanhope

21. “Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn’t hold.”

— Doug Stanhope

22. “I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I’m at.”

— Doug Stanhope

23. “Life is like a movie, if you’ve sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn’t going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.”

— Doug Stanhope

24. “Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something’s not accurate?”

— Doug Stanhope

25. “I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.”

— Doug Stanhope

26. “Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.”

— Doug Stanhope

27. “I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I’ve nothing to spend it on. I’m bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.”

— Doug Stanhope

28. “Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.”

— Doug Stanhope

29. “People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.”

— Doug Stanhope

30. “Anything that I don’t understand or can’t do is stupid.”

— Doug Stanhope

31. “I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don’t you? It’s sad. I’ve lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It’s sad to see ’em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy’s key ring, it’s like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.”

— Doug Stanhope

32. “Don’t eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD.”

— Doug Stanhope

33. “Controversial issues are always more interesting but I don’t create material about a subject I have opinion on just because it’s controversial. The most fun is having a point of view that the audience is generally against and presenting an argument that challenges their thinking.”

— Doug Stanhope

34. “I go on stage, it’s like I’m leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end.”

— Doug Stanhope

35. “Artists who say that they’re artists: usually people who need a job.”

— Doug Stanhope

36. “Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.”

— Doug Stanhope

37. “The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That’s what it’s all about.”

— Doug Stanhope

38. “Excess in moderation: don’t drink a few beers every day after work, wait ’till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.”

— Doug Stanhope

39. “Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.”

— Doug Stanhope

40. “Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.”

— Doug Stanhope

41. “Coward is the most misused word in our society.”

— Doug Stanhope

42. “Your sins are what make you fantastic. It’s what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.”

— Doug Stanhope

43. “High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.”

— Doug Stanhope

44. “Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn’t count cos it’s not really dangerous and it’s too easy to get.”

— Doug Stanhope

45. “I’ve had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I’m glad I got a hooker last night.”

— Doug Stanhope

46. “You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; it would be different if it was your own child. Well what if it wasn’t?”

— Doug Stanhope

47. “If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I’m not going to try to talk you out of it.”

— Doug Stanhope

48. “Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they’re ugly.”

— Doug Stanhope

49. “I’m not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana’s never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don’t.”

— Doug Stanhope

50. “I used to be a partier, now I’m an alcoholic. It’s all in who’s judging you.”

— Doug Stanhope