Top 160 Doug Stanhope Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “I need you to love me, I don’t like me, either, if that helps.”

— Doug Stanhope

102. “A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who’s the tallest, and act like it’s anyone’s game!”

— Doug Stanhope

103. “Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day.”

— Doug Stanhope

104. “It’s our flaws who make us who we are.”

— Doug Stanhope

105. “There’s nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don’t you just write it in a children’s birthday card.”

— Doug Stanhope

106. “Everybody’s angry. They’ve got nothing to be angry at, so they’re angry about nothing.”

— Doug Stanhope

107. “People want an idol. They want royalty. They don’t want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and go, “Oh, he touched my hand at the rally!””

— Doug Stanhope

108. “I’ve never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I’ve always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I’ve never had a goal, and nearly everything I’ve done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory.”

— Doug Stanhope

109. “When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you’re nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.”

— Doug Stanhope

110. “I’ve been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word “evil”? Oh, I’m a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says “evildoers”. Chug the bottle for “axis of evil”. Are you a president or an exorcist?!”

— Doug Stanhope

111. “Old people always tell you: ‘When you’ve been around as long I have, then you can argue.’ As soon as they’re ripped off, it’s a different story.”

— Doug Stanhope

112. “I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it’s all hype and garbage, but you’re still really paranoid afterwards. It’s fun entertainment.”

— Doug Stanhope

113. “The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don’t have drugs.”

— Doug Stanhope

114. “I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.”

— Doug Stanhope

115. “Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.”

— Doug Stanhope

116. “You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.”

— Doug Stanhope

117. “The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.”

— Doug Stanhope

118. “People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.”

— Doug Stanhope

119. “Get the right to marry – and then don’t.”

— Doug Stanhope

120. “The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease.”

— Doug Stanhope

121. “America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It’s like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.”

— Doug Stanhope

122. “You forget, when you’re in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don’t speak English first and they speak better than I do.”

— Doug Stanhope

123. “Stop worrying about your credits and consider enjoying your day. You die at the end.”

— Doug Stanhope

124. “One UK paper described me as a “miserablist”, a word I’d never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.”

— Doug Stanhope

125. “I don’t ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it’s in the news. That’s the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That’s what I’m trying to avoid.”

— Doug Stanhope

126. “I kept a picture of me kissing my dad’s corpse on the forehead in my wallet for years. I’d break it out any time someone showed me a baby picture, just so they would know how it ends.”

— Doug Stanhope

127. “I’m not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.”

— Doug Stanhope

128. “Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what’s theirs, meet the people, because they’re really, really, bafoons.”

— Doug Stanhope

129. “I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can’t talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.’s new show sucks.”

— Doug Stanhope

130. “I’ve been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.”

— Doug Stanhope

131. “I do good things in my life, too. It’s just that none of them are funny.”

— Doug Stanhope

132. “I’m in a perfect position. I don’t want to be more famous and I can’t lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want.”

— Doug Stanhope

133. “Religion is by no means a proper subject of conversation in a mixed company.”

— Doug Stanhope

134. “My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to tell me to do comedy before I even tried it. She was always up for any gag.”

— Doug Stanhope

135. “If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby – go get an old man. There’s unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.”

— Doug Stanhope

136. “I drink during every show. I can’t remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It’s like steroids are for athletes. I’m looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn’t have been on stage this long.”

— Doug Stanhope

137. “Why even moon a sorority girl if they can’t see the swingy egg bag part of it?”

— Doug Stanhope

138. “That place is so behind the times, you can’t even get AIDS there yet.”

— Doug Stanhope

139. “The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions – would be to eat it.”

— Doug Stanhope

140. “There are some occasions in which a man must tell half his secret, in order to conceal the rest; but there is seldom one in which a man should tell all. Great skill is necessary to know how far to go, and where to stop.”

— Doug Stanhope

141. “Abject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust. But a modest assertion of one’s own opinion, and a complaisant acquiescence in other people’s, preserve dignity.”

— Doug Stanhope

142. “We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.”

— Doug Stanhope

143. “I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, Gay pride, white power! just to confuse people.”

— Doug Stanhope

144. “What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don’t question authority...”

— Doug Stanhope

145. “If you’re in high-school and you’re not having fun, quit.”

— Doug Stanhope

146. “I’d get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.”

— Doug Stanhope

147. “Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.”

— Doug Stanhope

148. “When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.”

— Doug Stanhope

149. “Nothing against comedy clubs, they work. But when you’re sitting with a tablecloth and a candle and an appetizer menu, three-drink minimum, it can feel more like a dinner theater than a live experience.”

— Doug Stanhope

150. “Mutations are exciting. They try to fix ’em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!”

— Doug Stanhope