Top 40 Earl Wilson Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “Science may never come up with a better office communication system than the coffee break.”

— Earl Wilson

Featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Office Quotes, Coffee Quotes

2. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”

— Earl Wilson

3. “A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you’ve been taking.”

— Earl Wilson

4. “Today, there are three kinds of people: the haves, the have-nots, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-haves.”

— Earl Wilson

5. “Money in the bank is like toothpaste in the tube. Easy to take out, hard to put back.”

— Earl Wilson

6. “Always remember, money isn’t everything – but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense.”

— Earl Wilson

7. “One way to get high blood pressure is to go mountain climbing over molehills.”

— Earl Wilson

8. “Success is a matter of luck. If you want proof, ask any failure.”

— Earl Wilson

9. “If you wouldn’t write it and sign it, don’t say it.”

— Earl Wilson

10. “Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.”

— Earl Wilson

11. “Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”

— Earl Wilson

12. “Somebody figured it out- we have 35 million laws trying to enforce Ten Commandments.”

— Earl Wilson

13. “A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.”

— Earl Wilson

14. “If you look like your passport photo, in all probability you need the journey.”

— Earl Wilson

15. “Middle Age – later than you think and sooner than you expect.”

— Earl Wilson

16. “Nonchalance is the ability to remain down to earth when everything else is up in the air.”

— Earl Wilson

17. “You may not be able to read a doctor’s handwriting and prescription, but you’ll notice his bills are neatly typewritten.”

— Earl Wilson

18. “To sell something, tell a woman it’s a bargain; tell a man it’s deductible.”

— Earl Wilson

19. “Mathematics-a wonderful science, but it hasn’t yet come up with a way to divide one tricycle between three small boys.”

— Earl Wilson

20. “Saying ‘Gesundheit’ doesn’t really help the common cold – but its about as good as anything the doctors have come up with.”

— Earl Wilson

21. “An exhaustive study of police records shows that no woman has ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes.”

— Earl Wilson

22. “A bachelor is a guy who leans toward women – but not far enough to lose his balance.”

— Earl Wilson

23. “Modern man drives a mortgaged car over a bond-financed highway on credit-card gas.”

— Earl Wilson

24. “Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.”

— Earl Wilson

25. “Ever notice that the whisper of temptation can be heard farther than the loudest call to duty.”

— Earl Wilson

26. “This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt.”

— Earl Wilson

27. “Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.”

— Earl Wilson

28. “Poise: the ability to be ill at ease inconspicuously.”

— Earl Wilson

29. “Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don’t.”

— Earl Wilson

30. “No horse can go as fast as the money you put on it.”

— Earl Wilson

31. “He was so honest you could play craps with him over the phone.”

— Earl Wilson

32. “Isn’t it a shame that future generations can’t be here to see all the wonderful things we’re doing with their money?”

— Earl Wilson

33. “Many a standing ovation has been caused by someone jumping to his feet in an effort to beat the rest of the audience to the parking lot.”

— Earl Wilson

34. “Feminists say 60 percent of the country’s wealth is in the hands of women. They’re letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.”

— Earl Wilson

35. “The man who didn’t want his wife to work has been succeeded by the man who asks about her chances of getting a raise.”

— Earl Wilson

36. “This is the age of bargain hunters. If it had been this way in biblical times, we’d probably have been offered another commandment free if we had accepted the first ten.”

— Earl Wilson

37. “He’s so snobbish he has an unlisted zip-code.”

— Earl Wilson

38. “The fastest way for a politician to become an elder statesman is to lose an election.”

— Earl Wilson

39. “A woman may race to get a man a gift but it always ends in a tie.”

— Earl Wilson

40. “Today’s accent may be on youth, but the stress is still on the parents.”

— Earl Wilson

41. “There’s only one kind of tax that would please everybody – one that nobody but the other guy has to pay.”

— Earl Wilson