Top 200 Hilarious Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”

— Groucho Marx

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes, Witty Quotes, Funny Work Quotes

2. “Let’s think the unthinkable, let’s do the undoable. Let us prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Imagination Quotes, Humor Quotes

3. “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”

— Bill Watterson

Also featured in: Crazy Quotes, Space Quotes, Humor Quotes

4. “When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Demotivational Quotes, Funny Wednesday Quotes

5. “The universe clearly operates for the benefit of humanity. This can be readily seen from the convenient way the sun comes up in the morning, when people are ready to start the day.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Quotes About Humanity, Funny Monday Quotes

6. “I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Demotivational Quotes

7. “Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.”

— Steve Martin

Also featured in: Persistence Quotes, Work Ethic Quotes, Quotes About Trying, Wise Quotes

8. “Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.”

— Oscar Wilde

Also featured in: Life Quotes, Silly Quotes, Clever Quotes

9. “Life’s hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid.”

— John Wayne

Also featured in: Life is Hard Quotes, Character Quotes

10. “If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’”

— Dave Barry

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Friday Quotes for Work, Funny Work Quotes, Humor Quotes

11. “Intelligence is the ability to avoid doing work, yet getting the work done.”

— Linus Torvalds

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, IT Quotes, Clever Quotes

12. “Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Witty Quotes

13. “Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.”

— Jackie Mason

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Quotes About Money, Important Quotes, Love Is Quotes

14. “Don’t ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what.”

— Michael Scott

Also featured in: Fiction Quotes, Silly Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Character Quotes

15. “Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.”

— Dave Barry

Also featured in: Boldness Quotes, Silly Quotes, Risk-Taking Quotes, Witty Quotes

16. “There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.”

— Charles Dickens

Also featured in: Emotion Quotes, Being Happy Quotes, Quotes About People, Smile Quotes

17. “Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Blessing Quotes, Witty Quotes, Humor Quotes

18. “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Humor Quotes

19. “Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Experience Quotes, Silly Quotes, Quotes About Growing Up

20. “Make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order.”

— Michael Scott

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Firsts Quotes

21. “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Humor Quotes

22. “Laughter is an instant vacation.”

— Milton Berle

Also featured in: Cute Quotes, Happy Quotes, Joy Quotes, Family Quotes

23. “Just say yes and you’ll figure it out afterwards.”

— Tina Fey

Also featured in: Funny Inspirational Quotes, Funny Quotes About Life, Funny Senior Quotes, Hate Quotes

24. “If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be. ”

— Yogi Berra

Also featured in: Athlete Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Funny Quotes About Life

25. “A cup of tea would restore my normality.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Funny Tuesday Quotes

26. “I reject your reality and substitute my own.”

— Adam Savage

Also featured in: Imagination Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Quotes About Reality, Rejection Quotes

27. “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man, fishing’s not that hard.”

— Nick Offerman

28. “Sometimes I stagger even myself with my genius.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

Also featured in: Crazy Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Ego Quotes, Genius Quotes

29. “The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Funny Work Quotes, Funny Friday Quotes

30. “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Quotes About Writing, Sarcastic Quotes

31. “Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.”

— Ellen DeGeneres

Also featured in: Humor Quotes, Procrastination Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes

32. “The future ain't what it used to be.”

— Yogi Berra

Also featured in: Future Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Different Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes

33. “I think I’m like wine. The older I get, the better I get.”

— Zlatan Ibrahimovic

Also featured in: Funny Yearbook Quotes

34. “I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.”

— Andy Rooney

Also featured in: Experience Quotes, Funny Friday Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes, Funny Monday Quotes

35. “If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Family Quotes, Patriotic Quotes

36. “Every time I see some piece of medical research saying that caffeine is good for you, I high-five myself. Because I’m going to live forever.”

— Linus Torvalds

Also featured in: Funny Friday Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes, Funny Monday Quotes

37. “The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.”

— E.E. Cummings

Also featured in: Cheer Quotes, Cute Quotes, Joy Quotes, Smile Quotes

38. “Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Rights Quotes, Funny Friday Quotes, Coffee Quotes

39. “Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.”

— Tina Fey

Also featured in: Self-Worth Quotes, Boldness Quotes, Being Yourself Quotes, Witty Quotes

40. “In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Interesting Quotes, Fiction Quotes

41. “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Quotes About Writing, Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Short Funny Quotes

42. “Having fun is a very particular skill. And not everyone has that skill.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

Also featured in: Fun Quotes

43. “If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn’t. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn’t be. And what it wouldn’t be, it would. You see?”

— Lewis Carroll

Also featured in: Impossible Quotes, Imagination Quotes, Crazy Quotes

44. “Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.”

— Robert A. Heinlein

Also featured in: Efficiency Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes

45. “My hobby is my job. It’s a jobby!”

— Graham Coxon

Also featured in: Funny Yearbook Quotes

46. “I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.”

— Billy Connolly

Also featured in: Funny Motivational Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes, Funny Tuesday Quotes

47. “No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everybody on the couch.”

— Unknown

Also featured in: Cheer Quotes, Monday Morning Quotes, Motivational Workout Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes

48. “Don’t interrupt me while I’m interrupting.”

— Winston Churchill

49. “He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Genius Quotes

50. “Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes, Crazy Quotes