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Hilarious Quotes

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Hilarious Quotes: “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” — Miles Kington

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

— Miles Kington



Hilarious Quotes: “Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not yet completely sure about the universe.” — Albert Einstein

Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not yet completely sure about the universe.

— Albert Einstein


Hilarious Quotes: “Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion.” — Tina Fey

Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion.

— Tina Fey


Hilarious Quotes: “When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.” — Jane Wagner

When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.

— Jane Wagner


Hilarious Quotes: “Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” — Isaac Asimov

Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

— Isaac Asimov


Hilarious Quotes: “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” — Steven Wright

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

— Steven Wright


Hilarious Quotes: “There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.” — Will Rogers

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

— Will Rogers


Hilarious Quotes: “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” — Bob Hope

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

— Bob Hope


Hilarious Quotes: “Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” — Timothy Leary

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

— Timothy Leary


Hilarious Quotes: “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” — Oscar Wilde

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

— Oscar Wilde


Hilarious Quotes: “Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.” — Mark Twain

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

— Mark Twain


Hilarious Quotes: “If you even dream of beating me you’d better wake up and apologize.” — Muhammad Ali

If you even dream of beating me you’d better wake up and apologize.

— Muhammad Ali


Hilarious Quotes: “I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human, with the soul of a clown which forces me to blow it at the most important moments.” — Jim Morrison

I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human, with the soul of a clown which forces me to blow it at the most important moments.

— Jim Morrison


Hilarious Quotes: “I only go out to get me a fresh appetite for being alone.” — Lord Byron

I only go out to get me a fresh appetite for being alone.

— Lord Byron


Hilarious Quotes: “On the other hand, you have different fingers.” — Steven Wright

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

— Steven Wright


Hilarious Quotes: “The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.” — Erma Bombeck

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

— Erma Bombeck


Hilarious Quotes: “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” — Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

— Steven Wright


Hilarious Quotes: “The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.” — Will Rogers

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

— Will Rogers


Hilarious Quotes: “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

— Charles Lamb


Hilarious Quotes: “A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.” — Gloria Steinem

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

— Gloria Steinem


Hilarious Quotes: “We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.” — Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

— Phyllis Diller


Hilarious Quotes: “First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.” — Steve Martin

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

— Steve Martin


Hilarious Quotes: “Do we have to know who’s gay and who’s straight? Can’t we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?” — Ellen DeGeneres

Do we have to know who’s gay and who’s straight? Can’t we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?

— Ellen DeGeneres


Hilarious Quotes: “By faithfully working eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost

By faithfully working eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

— Robert Frost


Hilarious Quotes: “When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.” — Norm Crosby

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

— Norm Crosby


Hilarious Quotes: “If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.” — Yogi Berra

If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.

— Yogi Berra


Hilarious Quotes: “I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.” — Ellen DeGeneres

I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.

— Ellen DeGeneres


Hilarious Quotes: “I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.” — Jeff Foxworthy

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

— Jeff Foxworthy


Hilarious Quotes: “Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.” — Marlene Dietrich

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.

— Marlene Dietrich


Hilarious Quotes: “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” — Will Rogers

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

— Will Rogers


Hilarious Quotes: “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” — Robert Bloch

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

— Robert Bloch


Hilarious Quotes: “The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.” — Douglas Adams

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.

— Douglas Adams


Hilarious Quotes: “People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.” — Ellen DeGeneres

People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.

— Ellen DeGeneres


Hilarious Quotes: “That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can’t say ‘No’ in any of them.” — Dorothy Parker

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can’t say ‘No’ in any of them.

— Dorothy Parker


Hilarious Quotes: “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.” — Walter Matthau

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.

— Walter Matthau


Hilarious Quotes: “I never avoid something that challenges my guts and my heart. While I might occasionally puke my guts out, I have never puked my heart out.” — Michael Scott

I never avoid something that challenges my guts and my heart. While I might occasionally puke my guts out, I have never puked my heart out.

— Michael Scott


Hilarious Quotes: “The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.” — Jean Cocteau

The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.

— Jean Cocteau


Hilarious Quotes: “There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” — Chris Rock

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

— Chris Rock


Hilarious Quotes: “People say women shouldn’t have long hair over a certain age, but I’ve never done what everyone says.” — Jane Seymour

People say women shouldn’t have long hair over a certain age, but I’ve never done what everyone says.

— Jane Seymour


Hilarious Quotes: “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” — Milton Berle

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

— Milton Berle

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