Top 40 Hilarious Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”

— Miles Kington

Also featured in: Knowledge Quotes

2. “Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not yet completely sure about the universe.”

— Albert Einstein

Also featured in: Education Quotes

3. “Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion.”

— Tina Fey

4. “Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”

— Isaac Asimov

Also featured in: Truth Quotes, Quotes About Laughter

5. “When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.”

— Jane Wagner

Also featured in: Witty Quotes

6. “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

— Steven Wright

7. “There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.”

— Will Rogers

8. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

— Bob Hope

Also featured in: Quotes About Money, Witty Quotes

9. “Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”

— Mark Twain

10. “I only go out to get me a fresh appetite for being alone.”

— Lord Byron

11. “If you even dream of beating me you’d better wake up and apologize.”

— Muhammad Ali

12. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

— Oscar Wilde

Also featured in: Happiness Quotes, Being Happy Quotes

13. “On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

— Steven Wright

14. “I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human, with the soul of a clown which forces me to blow it at the most important moments.”

— Jim Morrison

Also featured in: Intelligent Quotes

15. “Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.”

— Timothy Leary

16. “The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.”

— Erma Bombeck

17. “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

— Steven Wright

18. “A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.”

— Gloria Steinem

19. “The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.”

— Will Rogers

20. “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”

— Will Rogers

Also featured in: Sleep Quotes

21. “We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”

— Phyllis Diller

22. “Do we have to know who’s gay and who’s straight? Can’t we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?”

— Ellen DeGeneres

23. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”

— Charles Lamb

24. “First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”

— Steve Martin

25. “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.”

— Robert Bloch

Also featured in: Humor Quotes, Quotes About Feelings

26. “When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.”

— Norm Crosby

27. “The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.”

— Douglas Adams

28. “By faithfully working eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.”

— Robert Frost

Also featured in: Boss Quotes, Clever Quotes

29. “If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.”

— Yogi Berra

30. “I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.”

— Jeff Foxworthy

31. “I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.”

— Ellen DeGeneres

32. “Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.”

— Marlene Dietrich

33. “People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.”

— Ellen DeGeneres

34. “That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can’t say ‘No’ in any of them.”

— Dorothy Parker

35. “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”

— Walter Matthau

36. “I never avoid something that challenges my guts and my heart. While I might occasionally puke my guts out, I have never puked my heart out.”

— Michael Scott

37. “The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.”

— Jean Cocteau

38. “There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.”

— Chris Rock

39. “People say women shouldn’t have long hair over a certain age, but I’ve never done what everyone says.”

— Jane Seymour

40. “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”

— Milton Berle