Top 30 Funny Office Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Crazy Quotes

2. “Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.”

— Doug Larson

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Boss Quotes

3. “Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t know where it’s going. I just hope to find it somewhere along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.”

— Michael Scott

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes, Creative Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Boss Quotes

4. “Do I want to be feared or loved? That’s a good question. I want both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”

— Michael Scott

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Boss Quotes

5. “Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it’s not like a compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised.”

— Michael Scott

Also featured in: Funny Quotes

6. “Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me – no, don’t sue me. That is opposite the point I’m trying to make.”

— Michael Scott

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Volunteer Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes

7. “If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’”

— Dave Barry

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Friday Quotes for Work, Hilarious Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Humor Quotes

8. “I love inside jokes. I hope to be a part of one some day.”

— Michael Scott

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Best Friend Quotes, Funny Friendship Quotes

9. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Witty Quotes

10. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

— Bert Lance

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Short Quotes, Common Sense Quotes

11. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes

12. “The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.”

— David Ogilvy

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Creativity Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Humor Quotes

13. “If you can’t feed a team with two pizzas, it’s too large.”

— Jeff Bezos

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Short Funny Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes, Funny Friday Quotes

14. “Creativity is great-but not in accounting.”

— Charles Scott

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes

15. “I’m a project manager, not a magician. Magicians have way cooler hats.”

— Merlin Mann

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes

16. “Multi-tasking is the ability to screw everything up simultaneously.”

— Jeremy Clarkson

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Mistake Quotes

17. “People who enjoy meetings should not be in charge of anything.”

— Thomas Sowell

18. “You can’t fix stupid.”

— Ron White

Also featured in: Common Sense Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes

19. “I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.”

— George Bernard Shaw

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes, Vanity Quotes

20. “I want my office to be quiet. The loudest thing in the room – by far – should be the occasional purring of the cat.”

— Linus Torvalds

21. “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”

— Groucho Marx

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Witty Quotes, Funny Love Quotes

22. “Multi-tasking is merely the opportunity to screw up more than one thing at a time.”

— Gary W. Keller

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes

23. “Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Humor Quotes

24. “Don’t hire a dog, then bark yourself.”

— David Ogilvy

Also featured in: Creativity Quotes, Friday Quotes for Work

25. “They say Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I wasn’t on that particular job.”

— Brian Clough

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes, Soccer Quotes

26. “If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.”

— Isaac Asimov

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes

27. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”

— Charles M. Schulz

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Humor Quotes

28. “To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes

29. “I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”

— Robin Williams

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Best Friend Quotes, Quotes About Laughter

30. “Is it true that if you don’t USE it you LOSE it?”

— Steve Carell

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes

31. “Science may never come up with a better office communication system than the coffee break.”

— Earl Wilson

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Coffee Quotes

32. “Parkinson’s First Law: Work expands to fill the time available.”

— C. Northcote Parkinson

Also featured in: Common Sense Quotes, Time Management Quotes, Funny Work Quotes

33. “If you can laugh together, you can work together.”

— Robert Orben

Also featured in: Funny Work Quotes, Humor Quotes, Funny Friday Quotes, Funny Friendship Quotes