Top 120 Eddie Izzard Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “America is the new Roman Empire. Remember what happened to Rome.”

— Eddie Izzard

2. “They say that ‘Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.’ Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don’t think you’d kill too many people.”

— Eddie Izzard

3. “Never put a sock in a toaster.”

— Eddie Izzard

4. “They’re not women’s clothes. They’re my clothes. I bought them.”

— Eddie Izzard

5. “Honey bees are amazing creatures. I mean, think about it, do earwigs make chutney?”

— Eddie Izzard

6. “I want to be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. I wanna get more sand into an animal than anybody has ever bloody got in one. I wanna fill a rat with the entire Gobi Desert, so it’s really quite tight.”

— Eddie Izzard

7. “If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.”

— Eddie Izzard

8. “If you’ve never seen an elephant ski, you’ve never been on acid.”

— Eddie Izzard

9. “I’m into humanity. I don’t believe in God, but I believe in human beings.”

— Eddie Izzard

10. “I wanna live ’til I die, no more, no less.”

— Eddie Izzard

11. “Your eyes flashed fire into my soul. I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, I FANCY YOU!”

— Eddie Izzard

12. “Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. OK, we can swing with that. But performance ‘debilitating’ drugs should not be banned. Smoke a joint and win the 100 metres, fair play for you. That’s pretty good. Unless someone’s dangling a Mars bar off in the distance.”

— Eddie Izzard

13. “I appreciate your applause, but I don’t do it for applause. I do it for cash, it’s much better.”

— Eddie Izzard

14. “If you can be your own force of nature and have a positive heart, then you can actually do something good in the world.”

— Eddie Izzard

15. “You’ve got to believe you can be a standup before you can be a standup. You have to believe you can act before you can act. You have to believe you can be an astronaut before you can be an astronaut. You’ve got to believe.”

— Eddie Izzard

16. “The Pope is guarded by the Swiss guard who stand proudly in pajamas and silly hats.”

— Eddie Izzard

17. “What have you been reading, The Gospel according to St. Bastard?!”

— Eddie Izzard

18. “We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won’t!”

— Eddie Izzard

19. “I saw something in a program on something in Miami, and they were saying, “We’ve redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago!” And people were going, “No, surely not, no. No one was alive then.””

— Eddie Izzard

20. “If you’re choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, ‘Heimlich maneuver,’ and all will be well. Trouble is, it’s difficult to say ‘Heimlich maneuver’ when you’re choking to death.”

— Eddie Izzard

21. “There’s two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD!”

— Eddie Izzard

22. “There was no religion in my life growing up. Did God invent us or did we invent God?”

— Eddie Izzard

23. “Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!”

— Eddie Izzard

24. “Because that’s what narcissism is all about; looking in the mirror everyday and thinking ‘Damn, I’d like to shag myself.’”

— Eddie Izzard

25. “There’s a thing about trying too hard, which I think is in all forms, which is if you really try to do things really well, you can get to a less good place than if you just let go and let it fly. Especially in creativity.”

— Eddie Izzard

26. “The word itself – dyslexia – is ironically very hard for dyslexic people to spell correctly.”

— Eddie Izzard

27. “I’ll just borrow confidence from a future version of myself.”

— Eddie Izzard

28. “I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.”

— Eddie Izzard

29. “The bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of drama is to be truthful. You can be truthful and funny, but if you’re not truthful in a drama than the audience leaves you.”

— Eddie Izzard

30. “Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”

— Eddie Izzard

31. “And there is a rule in every major religion, called the Golden Rule. Essentially: treat other people the way you’d like to be treated yourself. If we all did this, the whole world would work instantaneously. Praying, meditation – fine. But just follow the Golden Rule and the whole world works. Making the world work could be that simple.”

— Eddie Izzard

32. “All humans can do more than they think they can do. So I think we can all actually be more superhuman than we think we can.”

— Eddie Izzard

33. “Real life is actually a lot of boring things with occasional spikes of interest. Eddie Izzard.”

— Eddie Izzard

34. “Everyone gets cards at the beginning of life. I am transgender, I decided to be honest and tell everyone about it, and that’s it.”

— Eddie Izzard

35. “Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, Is that Rod Stewart in first class?”

— Eddie Izzard

36. “Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18 gibberish. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called “Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You””

— Eddie Izzard

37. “What was the first cat that talked a human into putting a cat door in?”

— Eddie Izzard

38. “If you think you can’t do a thing, you will not be able to do it. If you think you can do something, then you have a chance of achieving it. Believing doesn’t mean you will instantly be able to, but you’ve got to believe that you can, otherwise you definitely won’t be able to do it. I’ve seen a number of people who I thought could do something brilliant and creative but they didn’t seem to believe in themselves and therefore didn’t, or couldn’t, do it.”

— Eddie Izzard

39. “Sharks are just evil bastards. I’m quite happy if all the sharks just went, because they eat fish and us. And we need the fish.”

— Eddie Izzard

40. “But stinging nettles: They just love existing, don’t they? They’re bastards. Stinging nettles are the Nazis of the weed world.”

— Eddie Izzard

41. “If you’re trying to get a bit of attention, you can smash up your hotel room or spend all your time going to openings or doing the gossip column thing. I just decided to do gigs in French, German, Spanish, and in America.”

— Eddie Izzard

42. “Don’t get somewhere as fast as possible. Get somewhere as good as possible.”

— Eddie Izzard

43. “I did bronze survival swimming. I could save people in a bronzey kind of way.”

— Eddie Izzard

44. “You have the American dream! The dream is to be born in a gutter and grow up, and then get all the money in the world and stick it in your ears and go THBBBBBT.”

— Eddie Izzard

45. “Well, comedy is a great weapon of attack. It’s not a great weapon of support.”

— Eddie Izzard

46. “I’m an action transvestite really, so it’s running, jumping, climbing trees putting on make-up when you’re up there!”

— Eddie Izzard

47. “Little red cookbook! Little red cookbook!”

— Eddie Izzard

48. “But the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana.”

— Eddie Izzard

49. “Queen Victoria, one of our more frumpy Queen’s. They’re all frumpy aren’t they? Because it’s a bad idea when cousin’s marry.”

— Eddie Izzard

50. “I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.”

— Eddie Izzard