Top 200 Henny Youngman Quotes (2026 Update)
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51. “I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.”

— Henny Youngman

52. “A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!”

— Henny Youngman

53. “How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O.”

— Henny Youngman

54. “I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.”

— Henny Youngman

55. “His motto is “Love Thy Neighbor”. His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.”

— Henny Youngman

56. “Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?”

— Henny Youngman

57. “Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.”

— Henny Youngman

58. “This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!”

— Henny Youngman

59. “Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.”

— Henny Youngman

60. “My wife is a light eater. As soon as it’s light, she starts to eat.”

— Henny Youngman

61. “I’ve been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?”

— Henny Youngman

62. “Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?”

— Henny Youngman

63. “In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.”

— Henny Youngman

64. “Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.”

— Henny Youngman

65. “You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.”

— Henny Youngman

66. “Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?”

— Henny Youngman

67. “I’ll never forget my first words in the theatre. “Peanuts. Popcorn.””

— Henny Youngman

68. “A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife’s bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!”

— Henny Youngman

69. “A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? “It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!””

— Henny Youngman

70. “He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.”

— Henny Youngman

71. “I’m paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?”

— Henny Youngman

72. “You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.”

— Henny Youngman

73. “Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!”

— Henny Youngman

74. “You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.”

— Henny Youngman

75. “When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, “Give me a table near a waiter.””

— Henny Youngman

76. “A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.””

— Henny Youngman

77. “The food on the plane was fit for a king. “Here, King!””

— Henny Youngman

78. “She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match.”

— Henny Youngman

79. “A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, “You’re crazy” The man says, “I want a second opinion!” “Okay, you’re ugly too!””

— Henny Youngman

80. “Old teachers never die, they just grade away.”

— Henny Youngman

81. “My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.”

— Henny Youngman

82. “In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman – go see what they want!”

— Henny Youngman

83. “We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.”

— Henny Youngman

84. “Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.”

— Henny Youngman

85. “The usual way – a little wine, a little dinner...”

— Henny Youngman

86. “We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.”

— Henny Youngman

87. “A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!”

— Henny Youngman

88. “I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There is water in the carburetor.” I said, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In the lake.””

— Henny Youngman

89. “I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.”

— Henny Youngman

90. “A doctor says to a man, “You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day.” Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, “How is your love life since you have been running?” “I don’t know, I’m 140 miles away!””

— Henny Youngman

91. “My wife has a black belt in shopping.”

— Henny Youngman

92. “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”

— Henny Youngman

93. “A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.”

— Henny Youngman

94. “This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.”

— Henny Youngman

95. “Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.”

— Henny Youngman

96. “My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.”

— Henny Youngman

97. “How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’”

— Henny Youngman

98. “What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”

— Henny Youngman

99. “I know what I’m giving up for Lent: my New Year’s resolutions.”

— Henny Youngman

100. “I’ll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.”

— Henny Youngman