Top 200 Henny Youngman Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “I’m paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?”

— Henny Youngman

52. “Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!”

— Henny Youngman

53. “What is a home without children? Quiet.”

— Henny Youngman

54. “You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.”

— Henny Youngman

55. “When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, “Give me a table near a waiter.””

— Henny Youngman

56. “The food on the plane was fit for a king. “Here, King!””

— Henny Youngman

57. “A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.””

— Henny Youngman

58. “She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match.”

— Henny Youngman

59. “A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, “You’re crazy” The man says, “I want a second opinion!” “Okay, you’re ugly too!””

— Henny Youngman

60. “My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.”

— Henny Youngman

61. “In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman – go see what they want!”

— Henny Youngman

62. “Old teachers never die, they just grade away.”

— Henny Youngman

63. “We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.”

— Henny Youngman

64. “The usual way – a little wine, a little dinner...”

— Henny Youngman

65. “Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.”

— Henny Youngman

66. “We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.”

— Henny Youngman

67. “A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!”

— Henny Youngman

68. “I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There is water in the carburetor.” I said, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In the lake.””

— Henny Youngman

69. “I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.”

— Henny Youngman

70. “A doctor says to a man, “You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day.” Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, “How is your love life since you have been running?” “I don’t know, I’m 140 miles away!””

— Henny Youngman

71. “A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.”

— Henny Youngman

72. “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”

— Henny Youngman

73. “My wife has a black belt in shopping.”

— Henny Youngman

74. “This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.”

— Henny Youngman

75. “Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.”

— Henny Youngman

76. “My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.”

— Henny Youngman

77. “How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’”

— Henny Youngman

78. “I know what I’m giving up for Lent: my New Year’s resolutions.”

— Henny Youngman

79. “This man dresses like an unmade bed.”

— Henny Youngman

80. “I’ll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.”

— Henny Youngman

81. “I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.”

— Henny Youngman

82. “A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.”

— Henny Youngman

83. “My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”

— Henny Youngman

84. “Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.”

— Henny Youngman

85. “A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.”

— Henny Youngman

86. “I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.”

— Henny Youngman

87. “My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.”

— Henny Youngman

88. “A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?”

— Henny Youngman

89. “My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.”

— Henny Youngman

90. “In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, “Why didn’t you walk down?” He said, “because I was going up!””

— Henny Youngman

91. “A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks! and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, C-C-C-Come in?”

— Henny Youngman

92. “What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”

— Henny Youngman

93. “Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.”

— Henny Youngman

94. “I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need. If I die tomorrow.”

— Henny Youngman

95. “A person asked me, How do you prepare for the stage? I told her, Well, it’s like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you’ve lost all your marbles...”

— Henny Youngman

96. “When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.”

— Henny Youngman

97. “I’m offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.”

— Henny Youngman

98. “A man walks into a library and says, ‘I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology.”

— Henny Youngman

99. “My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but can she climb a tree.”

— Henny Youngman

100. “I don’t fly on account of my religion. I’m a devout coward.”

— Henny Youngman