Top 200 Henny Youngman Quotes (2024 Update)
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151. “She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, “Tut, Tut!””

— Henny Youngman

152. “I don’t believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?”

— Henny Youngman

153. “Farrah’s dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.”

— Henny Youngman

154. “My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, “Where are you going?” My wife said, “I must be late, everyone is all coming back!””

— Henny Youngman

155. “She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.”

— Henny Youngman

156. “You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.”

— Henny Youngman

157. “My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!”

— Henny Youngman

158. “I don’t mind when my horse is left at the post. I don’t mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, “Which way do I go?” But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...”

— Henny Youngman

159. “Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.”

— Henny Youngman

160. “I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.”

— Henny Youngman

161. “A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, “Can I park here?” “No” says the cop. “What about all these other cars?” “They didn’t ask!””

— Henny Youngman

162. “I’ve got two wonderful children – and two out of five isn’t too bad.”

— Henny Youngman

163. “A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!”

— Henny Youngman

164. “My son is 21. He’ll be 22 if I let him.”

— Henny Youngman

165. “A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? “It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!””

— Henny Youngman

166. “A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife’s bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!”

— Henny Youngman

167. “If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope.”

— Henny Youngman

168. “I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.”

— Henny Youngman

169. “If I had blood, I’d blush.”

— Henny Youngman

170. “That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!”

— Henny Youngman

171. “A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? “I was ironing, and the phone rang!” “What about the other ear?” “Had to call the doctor!””

— Henny Youngman

172. “She has a wash and wear bridal gown.”

— Henny Youngman

173. “He doesn’t get ulcers – he gives them.”

— Henny Youngman

174. “Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.”

— Henny Youngman

175. “Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed – it was a Chinese restaurant!”

— Henny Youngman

176. “My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale’s. I bring her mail there twice a week.”

— Henny Youngman

177. “The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he’s never been, and the owner says “You mean third base?””

— Henny Youngman

178. “My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.”

— Henny Youngman

179. “I asked a Jewish man, “Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?” He said, “Yes”, and walked away.”

— Henny Youngman

180. “Hollywood called me, asking me, “How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?” “$50,000” They called back, “How about $20,000?” I said, “I’ll pay it!””

— Henny Youngman

181. “My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, “Crick”.”

— Henny Youngman

182. “He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.”

— Henny Youngman

183. “He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn’t funny.”

— Henny Youngman

184. “2 Jewish women in New York. One says, “Do you see what’s going on in Poland?” The other says, “I live in the back, I don’t see anything.””

— Henny Youngman

185. “Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.”

— Henny Youngman

186. “I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It’s a little inconvenient, they’re in two separate buildings!”

— Henny Youngman

187. “You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.”

— Henny Youngman

188. “The other day I broke 70. That’s a lot of clubs.”

— Henny Youngman

189. “I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, “Let’s get up here before we get killed!””

— Henny Youngman

190. “Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.”

— Henny Youngman

191. “I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn’t come in until half-past five.”

— Henny Youngman

192. “The hotel I’m in has a lovely closet. A nail.”

— Henny Youngman

193. “Are you Polish? Okay, I’ll talk slower.”

— Henny Youngman

194. “I live about four muggings from Central Park.”

— Henny Youngman

195. “Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.”

— Henny Youngman

196. “Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!”

— Henny Youngman

197. “I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.”

— Henny Youngman

198. “I’d commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.”

— Henny Youngman

199. “Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?”

— Henny Youngman

200. “I went out with a girl last night. She wasn’t a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.”

— Henny Youngman