Top 200 Henny Youngman Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “The patient says, “Doctor, it hurts when I do this.” “Then don’t do that!””

— Henny Youngman

2. “A man goes to a psychiatrist. “Nobody listens to me!” The doctor says, “Next!””

— Henny Youngman

3. “Who says nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years.”

— Henny Youngman

4. “If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”

— Henny Youngman

5. “I said to my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’ She said, ‘I want to go somewhere I’ve never been before.’ I said, ‘Try the kitchen.’”

— Henny Youngman

6. “When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.”

— Henny Youngman

7. “My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.”

— Henny Youngman

8. “A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!””

— Henny Youngman

9. “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

— Henny Youngman

10. “I just made a killing in the stock market – I shot my broker.”

— Henny Youngman

11. “I miss my wife’s cooking, as often as I can.”

— Henny Youngman

12. “My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.”

— Henny Youngman

13. “She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” “No, jump in!””

— Henny Youngman

14. “Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.”

— Henny Youngman

15. “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.”

— Henny Youngman

16. “I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.”

— Henny Youngman

17. “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”

— Henny Youngman

18. “Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, “Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.” She said, “We can’t do that!” I told her, “You did it last week!””

— Henny Youngman

19. “My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.”

— Henny Youngman

20. “My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.”

— Henny Youngman

21. “The more I think of you, the less I think of you.”

— Henny Youngman

22. “My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.”

— Henny Youngman

23. “A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.”

— Henny Youngman

24. “During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.”

— Henny Youngman

25. “I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.”

— Henny Youngman

26. “While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.”

— Henny Youngman

27. “My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn’t work out.”

— Henny Youngman

28. “Don’t move! I want to forget you just the way you are.”

— Henny Youngman

29. “2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. “Since when do you wear pantyhose?” “Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!””

— Henny Youngman

30. “It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.”

— Henny Youngman

31. “You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.”

— Henny Youngman

32. “I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.”

— Henny Youngman

33. “I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.”

— Henny Youngman

34. “A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn’t for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I’d be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini!”

— Henny Youngman

35. “Nurse: “Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office”. Doctor: “Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.””

— Henny Youngman

36. “I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.”

— Henny Youngman

37. “A guy says, I’m so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I’ll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You’re seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.”

— Henny Youngman

38. “My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?”

— Henny Youngman

39. “Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.”

— Henny Youngman

40. “I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.”

— Henny Youngman

41. “Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you’re it.”

— Henny Youngman

42. “A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.”

— Henny Youngman

43. “Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.”

— Henny Youngman

44. “When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing.”

— Henny Youngman

45. “I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.”

— Henny Youngman

46. “Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.”

— Henny Youngman

47. “I’ve been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?”

— Henny Youngman

48. “In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.”

— Henny Youngman

49. “A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? “It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!””

— Henny Youngman

50. “He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.”

— Henny Youngman