Top 200 Henny Youngman Quotes (2026 Update)
Page 3 of 5

101. “This man dresses like an unmade bed.”

— Henny Youngman

102. “A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.”

— Henny Youngman

103. “My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.”

— Henny Youngman

104. “I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.”

— Henny Youngman

105. “In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, “Why didn’t you walk down?” He said, “because I was going up!””

— Henny Youngman

106. “A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?”

— Henny Youngman

107. “My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.”

— Henny Youngman

108. “Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.”

— Henny Youngman

109. “A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.”

— Henny Youngman

110. “I’m offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.”

— Henny Youngman

111. “I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.”

— Henny Youngman

112. “Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.”

— Henny Youngman

113. “A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks! and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, C-C-C-Come in?”

— Henny Youngman

114. “My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but can she climb a tree.”

— Henny Youngman

115. “All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.”

— Henny Youngman

116. “The Doctor says, “You’ll live to be 60!” “I AM 60!” “See, what did I tell you?””

— Henny Youngman

117. “When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.”

— Henny Youngman

118. “I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.”

— Henny Youngman

119. “I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need. If I die tomorrow.”

— Henny Youngman

120. “Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.”

— Henny Youngman

121. “My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.”

— Henny Youngman

122. “A person asked me, How do you prepare for the stage? I told her, Well, it’s like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you’ve lost all your marbles...”

— Henny Youngman

123. “When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say...”

— Henny Youngman

124. “She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.”

— Henny Youngman

125. “Have I got a mother-in-law. She’s so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.”

— Henny Youngman

126. “I was just in London – there is a 6 hour time difference. I’m still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.”

— Henny Youngman

127. “Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, “Huh. I lost 100 pounds!””

— Henny Youngman

128. “The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.”

— Henny Youngman

129. “Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.”

— Henny Youngman

130. “I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won’t let me plug it in.”

— Henny Youngman

131. “A woman says to a man, “I haven’t seen you around here.” “Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife.” “So you’re single!””

— Henny Youngman

132. “My horse’s jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says “Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!””

— Henny Youngman

133. “My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.”

— Henny Youngman

134. “The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!””

— Henny Youngman

135. “On dancing on pointe: Why don’t they just get taller girls?”

— Henny Youngman

136. “My brother then opened a tall man’s shop in Tokyo.”

— Henny Youngman

137. “There is no spark like the one ignited under the aspirations of a new graduate.”

— Henny Youngman

138. “This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.”

— Henny Youngman

139. “College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.”

— Henny Youngman

140. “Now, the band that inspired that great saying, “Stop The Music!!””

— Henny Youngman

141. “All my wife does is shop – once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.”

— Henny Youngman

142. “I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.”

— Henny Youngman

143. “I call my lawyer and say, ‘Can I ask you two questions?’ He says, ‘What’s the second question?’”

— Henny Youngman

144. “I was walking down the street, and I found a man’s hand in my pocket. I asked, “What do you want?” “A match” “Why didn’t you ask me?” “I don’t talk to strangers.””

— Henny Youngman

145. “A tough guy told me, “I’ll bet you $10 you’re dead.” I was afraid to bet him.”

— Henny Youngman

146. “I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.”

— Henny Youngman

147. “Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.”

— Henny Youngman

148. “I came home, the car was in the dining room. “How did you get the car in here?” “Easy, I took a left at the kitchen.””

— Henny Youngman

149. “Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.”

— Henny Youngman

150. “Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.”

— Henny Youngman