Top 200 Henny Youngman Quotes (2025 Update)
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101. “Have I got a mother-in-law. She’s so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.”

— Henny Youngman

102. “Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.”

— Henny Youngman

103. “Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, “Huh. I lost 100 pounds!””

— Henny Youngman

104. “She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.”

— Henny Youngman

105. “I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.”

— Henny Youngman

106. “When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say...”

— Henny Youngman

107. “The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.”

— Henny Youngman

108. “A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!”

— Henny Youngman

109. “My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.”

— Henny Youngman

110. “This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!”

— Henny Youngman

111. “Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?”

— Henny Youngman

112. “Are you married? What do you do for agravation?”

— Henny Youngman

113. “How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O.”

— Henny Youngman

114. “I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.”

— Henny Youngman

115. “My wife is a light eater. As soon as it’s light, she starts to eat.”

— Henny Youngman

116. “The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!””

— Henny Youngman

117. “His motto is “Love Thy Neighbor”. His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.”

— Henny Youngman

118. “My horse’s jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says “Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!””

— Henny Youngman

119. “Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.”

— Henny Youngman

120. “My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.”

— Henny Youngman

121. “I was just in London – there is a 6 hour time difference. I’m still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.”

— Henny Youngman

122. “There is no spark like the one ignited under the aspirations of a new graduate.”

— Henny Youngman

123. “I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won’t let me plug it in.”

— Henny Youngman

124. “College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.”

— Henny Youngman

125. “On dancing on pointe: Why don’t they just get taller girls?”

— Henny Youngman

126. “All my wife does is shop – once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.”

— Henny Youngman

127. “My brother then opened a tall man’s shop in Tokyo.”

— Henny Youngman

128. “Now, the band that inspired that great saying, “Stop The Music!!””

— Henny Youngman

129. “Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.”

— Henny Youngman

130. “Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?”

— Henny Youngman

131. “I call my lawyer and say, ‘Can I ask you two questions?’ He says, ‘What’s the second question?’”

— Henny Youngman

132. “A woman says to a man, “I haven’t seen you around here.” “Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife.” “So you’re single!””

— Henny Youngman

133. “A tough guy told me, “I’ll bet you $10 you’re dead.” I was afraid to bet him.”

— Henny Youngman

134. “This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.”

— Henny Youngman

135. “I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.”

— Henny Youngman

136. “I was walking down the street, and I found a man’s hand in my pocket. I asked, “What do you want?” “A match” “Why didn’t you ask me?” “I don’t talk to strangers.””

— Henny Youngman

137. “I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.”

— Henny Youngman

138. “Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.”

— Henny Youngman

139. “You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.”

— Henny Youngman

140. “Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.”

— Henny Youngman

141. “I came home, the car was in the dining room. “How did you get the car in here?” “Easy, I took a left at the kitchen.””

— Henny Youngman

142. “The Doctor says, “You’ll live to be 60!” “I AM 60!” “See, what did I tell you?””

— Henny Youngman

143. “Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.”

— Henny Youngman

144. “I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.”

— Henny Youngman

145. “Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.”

— Henny Youngman

146. “Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?”

— Henny Youngman

147. “She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, “Tut, Tut!””

— Henny Youngman

148. “I’ll never forget my first words in the theatre. “Peanuts. Popcorn.””

— Henny Youngman

149. “If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?”

— Henny Youngman

150. “The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!”

— Henny Youngman