Top 35 Jackie Mason Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.”

— Jackie Mason

Featured in: Quotes About Money, Important Quotes, Love Is Quotes

2. “My grandfather always said, Don’t watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.”

— Jackie Mason

3. “I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.”

— Jackie Mason

4. “I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.”

— Jackie Mason

5. “Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That’s right – two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.”

— Jackie Mason

6. “It’s no longer a question of staying healthy. It’s a question of finding a sickness you like.”

— Jackie Mason

7. “Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant – even if they wanted to be one?”

— Jackie Mason

8. “A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval.”

— Jackie Mason

9. “America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can’t tear the tag off the mattress.”

— Jackie Mason

10. “Why is it that they have Bibles in every motel room? Why should a man want to read the Bible when he’s with a woman alone in a motel room? Why would he be interested? Whatever he’s praying for, he’s already got!”

— Jackie Mason

11. “I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.”

— Jackie Mason

12. “My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.”

— Jackie Mason

13. “Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.”

— Jackie Mason

14. “I’m still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, Give me a gun, I’ll wipe out the whole German Army in five minutes. He said, You’re crazy! I said, Write it down!”

— Jackie Mason

15. “I’m crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute to the world. It would be a much better world, a much more peaceful and non-violent world if we lived by Jewish values.”

— Jackie Mason

16. “Jews are the best dressers in the world. They buy the best clothes, the best homes, the best cars. The best of everything. The only thing is, they get it for less.”

— Jackie Mason

17. “I’ve been watching politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know. You can have one person win the Iowa caucus and then the whole picture changes ten minutes later. The same thing can happen again after New Hampshire. I have no idea what’s going to happen with our country in the future.”

— Jackie Mason

18. “By these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting; in whose name; in whose strength; in whose glory? What faith, humility, self-denial, and love of God and to man have there been in all my actions?”

— Jackie Mason

19. “A person who speaks good English in New York sounds like a foreigner.”

— Jackie Mason

20. “If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.”

— Jackie Mason

21. “I’ve got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can’t remember why!”

— Jackie Mason

22. “Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!”

— Jackie Mason

23. “I can’t predict the future and I don’t have respect for people who try to.”

— Jackie Mason

24. “It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.”

— Jackie Mason

25. “On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It’s almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.”

— Jackie Mason

26. “I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes every day and soon Ill be telling them every night. Just me, one Jew talking and that’s it.”

— Jackie Mason

27. “Predictions are preposterous.”

— Jackie Mason

28. “I didn’t think it was fair to pretend to give of myself when I was so selfishly consumed with my own drives.”

— Jackie Mason

29. “Would you put a pastrami in your mouth if you didn’t want to eat it?”

— Jackie Mason

30. “When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on the other hand, return and say I had this slice of cake in Austria, let me tell you, I don’t know how they make it! It was great!”

— Jackie Mason

31. “While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everyone knows, I am as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami.”

— Jackie Mason

32. “I don’t believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It’s funny because it’s ridiculous and it’s ridiculous for different reasons at different times.”

— Jackie Mason

33. “Everybody knows we’re entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible.”

— Jackie Mason

34. “I can’t pretend that I’m a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humour doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

— Jackie Mason

35. “My comedy doesn’t come from any calculations and studies.”

— Jackie Mason

36. “My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I’m 70 or if I’m 20? The audience knows they aren’t getting any old stories from me.”

— Jackie Mason