Top 40 Jane Wagner Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.”

— Jane Wagner

Featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Witty Quotes

2. “Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person’s life. For better or worse. God puts us all in each other’s lives to impact one another in some way.”

— Jane Wagner

3. “Unless you are at a picnic, life is no picnic.”

— Jane Wagner

4. “Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.”

— Jane Wagner

5. “The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool.”

— Jane Wagner

6. “At the moment you are most in awe of all there is about life that you don’t understand, you are closer to understanding it all than at any other time.”

— Jane Wagner

7. “Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.”

— Jane Wagner

8. “I feel like my life is just passing me by like two ships in the night. And I have missed both boats.”

— Jane Wagner

9. “Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent.”

— Jane Wagner

10. “A sobering thought: what if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential?”

— Jane Wagner

11. “Nothing makes you realize you don’t know what you want more than getting what you want.”

— Jane Wagner

12. “Infinity: Time on an ego trip.”

— Jane Wagner

13. “If you are a human being, you might as well face it. You are going to rub a lot of people the wrong way.”

— Jane Wagner

14. “I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle, I found it too confining. It was just too needful; it expected me to be there for it all the time, and with all I have to do – I had to let something go.”

— Jane Wagner

15. “If olive oil comes from olives, then where does baby oil come from?”

— Jane Wagner

16. “Childhood comes at a time in your life when you are too young to understand what you are going through. And you’re too young to understand that you are too young to understand.”

— Jane Wagner

17. “What is reality anyway! It’s nothing but a collective hunch.”

— Jane Wagner

18. “My space chums think reality was once a primitive method of crowd control that got out of hand. In my view, it’s absurdity dressed up in a three-piece business suit.”

— Jane Wagner

19. “I have gained and lost the same 10 pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have deja vu!”

— Jane Wagner

20. “To think we have the garment industry instead of nature to thank for the zipper concept when it would have come in so handy for childbirth.”

— Jane Wagner

21. “It’s not that I lack ambition. I am ambitious in the sense that I want to be more than I am now. But if I were truly ambitious, I think I’d already be more than I am now.”

— Jane Wagner

22. “You don’t know what it’s like! Hyperactive twins! When they turned three, my doctor prescribed Ritalin – I wouldn’t dream of giving a drug to my children, but it does help when I take it myself.”

— Jane Wagner

23. “The truth can be made up if you know how.”

— Jane Wagner

24. “One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has occurred to me that God has Alzheimer’s and has forgotten we exist.”

— Jane Wagner

25. “Ahhhhhhhh. There is nothing natural about natural childbirth. It is as close to a freak accident as anything I can think of. Why I picked a time like this to go off drugs.”

— Jane Wagner

26. “I worry that drugs have forced us to be more creative than we really are.”

— Jane Wagner

27. “It’s one thing to tolerate a boring marriage; a boring affair does not make sense.”

— Jane Wagner

28. “I bet the worst part about dying is the part where your whole life passes before you.”

— Jane Wagner

29. “When you’re dancing the mystical dance of the molecules, you’re not the one who’s leading.”

— Jane Wagner

30. “Like what’s the point being a health nut by day if you’re a coke head at night.”

— Jane Wagner

31. “I am sick of being the victim of trends I reflect but don’t even understand.”

— Jane Wagner

32. “If evolution was worth its salt, by now it should’ve evolved something better than survival of the fittest. I think a better idea would be survival of the wittiest.”

— Jane Wagner

33. “I worry that our lives are like soap operas. We can go for months and not tune in to them, then six months later we look in and the same stuff is still going on.”

— Jane Wagner

34. “Language because of our deep inner need to complain...”

— Jane Wagner

35. “Just think: your family are the people most likely to give you the flu.”

— Jane Wagner

36. “Mirrors can’t talk. Luckily for you, they can’t laugh either.”

— Jane Wagner

37. “My mom says I have to be more positive, and I say life has to be more positive too or it’s just not going to work.”

— Jane Wagner

38. “I even worry about reflective flea collars. Oh, sure, drivers can see them glow in the dark, but so can the fleas.”

— Jane Wagner

39. “When I first came into this world, Elvis was already fat.”

— Jane Wagner

40. “I may not be great at geometry but I know one theorum. The longest distance between two points is you and your parents.”

— Jane Wagner

41. “Of all the things we’ve learned, we still haven’t learned where did this desire to want to know come from?”

— Jane Wagner

42. “I worry that humanity has been “advanced” to its present level of incompetency because evolution works on the Peter Principle.”

— Jane Wagner