Top 40 Witty Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.”

— Mae West

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes

2. “The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.”

— Henry David Thoreau

3. “I’m not anti-social. I’m just not social.”

— Woody Allen

4. “Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.”

— Woody Allen

Also featured in: Confidence Quotes

5. “Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.”

— Tina Fey

Also featured in: Being Yourself Quotes

6. “The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”

— Lily Tomlin

Also featured in: Funny Quotes

7. “Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.”

— John F. Kennedy

8. “Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”

— Erica Jong

9. “The greatest risk is to risk nothing at all.”

— Leo Buscaglia

Also featured in: Risk-Taking Quotes

10. “Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”

— Douglas Adams

11. “If a man does his best, what else is there?”

— George S. Patton Jr.

12. “In most cases being a good boss means hiring talented people and then getting out of their way.”

— Tina Fey

13. “When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.”

— Jane Wagner

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes

14. “Common sense is not so common.”

— Voltaire

15. “It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.”

— Carl Sagan

16. “If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.”

— Woody Allen

17. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”

— Bob Hope

Also featured in: Quotes About Money, Hilarious Quotes

18. “It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.”

— Niccolò Machiavelli

Also featured in: Powerful Quotes

19. “We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.”

— Woody Allen

20. “All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.”

— Arthur Schopenhauer

Also featured in: Truth Quotes

21. “Men, their rights, and nothing more; women, their rights, and nothing less.”

— Susan B. Anthony

Also featured in: Humor Quotes

22. “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”

— Edmund Burke

Also featured in: Wisdom Quotes

23. “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.”

— Warren Zevon

24. “Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.”

— Rudyard Kipling

25. “Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.”

— Oscar Wilde

26. “Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.”

— Mark Twain

27. “Give me a museum and I’ll fill it.”

— Pablo Picasso

28. “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”

— Groucho Marx

Also featured in: Crazy Quotes

29. “Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.”

— Albert Einstein

30. “Try to learn something about everything and everything about something.”

— Thomas Henry Huxley

Also featured in: Learning Quotes, Graduation Quotes

31. “Never mistake motion for action.”

— Ernest Hemingway

Also featured in: Mistake Quotes

32. “If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?”

— Lily Tomlin

33. “That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes

34. “I’m single because I was born that way.”

— Mae West

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes

35. “Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes

36. “Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.”

— Albert Einstein

Also featured in: Attitude Quotes, Freedom Quotes

37. “Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.”

— H. G. Wells

38. “Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!”

— Groucho Marx

39. “Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”

— George Bernard Shaw

Also featured in: Marriage Quotes

40. “You have to count on living every single day in a way you believe will make you feel good about your life – so that if it were over tomorrow, you’d be content with yourself.”

— Jane Seymour

41. “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery that mediocrity can pay to greatness.”

— Oscar Wilde

Also featured in: Creativity Quotes, Quotes About Writing