Top 200 Witty Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”

— Mae West

Also featured in: Courage Quotes, Life Quotes, Happiness Quotes, Empowerment Quotes, Contentment Quotes

2. “Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.”

— Bill Gates

Also featured in: Business Quotes, Professional Growth Quotes, Career Development Quotes, IT Quotes

3. “I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.”

— Oscar Wilde

Also featured in: Short Quotes, Famous Quotes, Excellence Quotes

4. “I am not young enough to know everything.”

— Oscar Wilde

Also featured in: Clever Quotes

5. “Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Life Quotes, Happiness Quotes, Friendship Quotes, Important Quotes

6. “Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Learning Quotes, Experience Quotes, Clever Quotes

7. “Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.”

— Oscar Wilde

Also featured in: Meaningful Quotes, Intelligent Quotes, Being Yourself Quotes, Thought Provoking Quotes

8. “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.”

— Jane Austen

Also featured in: Relationship Quotes, Fiction Quotes, Character Quotes, Past Quotes

9. “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Life Quotes, Integrity Quotes, Funny Quotes, Famous Quotes

10. “It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.”

— Douglas Adams

11. “A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing.”

— Oscar Wilde

Also featured in: Values Quotes, Different Quotes, Short Deep Quotes

12. “I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener.”

— Anonymous

Also featured in: Motivational Quotes, Attitude Quotes, Personal Development Quotes, Satisfaction Quotes

13. “Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Startup Quotes, Change Quotes, Interesting Quotes

14. “I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Positive Quotes, Interesting Quotes, Short Quotes About Life, Thought Provoking Quotes

15. “So much universe, and so little time.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Live Life Quotes, Universe Quotes, Life Is Short Quotes

16. “The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.”

— William Shakespeare

Also featured in: Famous Quotes, Meaningful Quotes, Philosophical Quotes, Character Quotes

17. “Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.”

— Dale Carnegie

Also featured in: Happiness Quotes, Feel Good Quotes, Happy Quotes, Personal Development Quotes

18. “Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don't quit when you're tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.”

— Robert Strauss

Also featured in: Success Quotes, Winning Quotes, Challenges Quotes, Quotes About Work

19. “Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”

— Groucho Marx

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Funny Work Quotes

20. “There is no pillow so soft as a clear conscience.”

— French Proverb

Also featured in: Integrity Quotes, Personality Quotes, Beautiful Quotes, Clever Quotes, Different Quotes

21. “If time travel is possible, where are the tourists from the future?”

— Stephen Hawking

Also featured in: Science Quotes, Future Quotes

22. “Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”

— Marilyn Monroe

Also featured in: Interesting Quotes, Beautiful Quotes, Clever Quotes

23. “I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Life Quotes, Education Quotes, Lifelong Learning Quotes, Intelligent Quotes

24. “Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”

— Charles Bukowski

Also featured in: Fiction Quotes, Hard Hitting Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Creative Quotes

25. “I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Famous Quotes, Thought Provoking Quotes, Clever Quotes

26. “Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.”

— Warren Buffett

Also featured in: Common Sense Quotes, Funny Quotes About Life, Funny Friday Quotes

27. “It’s weird not to be weird.”

— John Lennon

Also featured in: Be Yourself Quotes, Being Yourself Quotes, Artist Quotes

28. “Big shots are only little shots who keep shooting.”

— Christopher Morley

Also featured in: Perseverance Quotes, Short Quotes, Famous Quotes, Clever Quotes

29. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”

— Oscar Wilde

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Forgiveness Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes

30. “Democracy is all about not electing the wrong man-eating lizard.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes

31. “A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it is not open.”

— Frank Zappa

Also featured in: Quotes About Thinking, Crazy Quotes, Clever Quotes, Curiosity Quotes

32. “Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.”

— Oscar Wilde

Also featured in: Famous Quotes, Human Nature Quotes, Truth Quotes

33. “Loyalty to country always. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it.”

— Mark Twain

34. “If book knowledge made great investors, then the librarians would all be rich.”

— Warren Buffett

Also featured in: Business Quotes, Famous Quotes, Making Money Quotes

35. “I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Journey Quotes, Travel Quotes, Adventure Quotes

36. “I am too fond of reading books to care to write them.”

— Oscar Wilde

Also featured in: Quotes About Books And Reading, Silly Quotes

37. “The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.”

— Friedrich Nietzsche

38. “It's not worth doing something unless someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing it.”

— Terry Pratchett

39. “In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Interesting Quotes, Fiction Quotes, Hilarious Quotes

40. “When in doubt, choose to live.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Fiction Quotes, Choices Quotes, Intelligent Quotes, Life Is Short Quotes

41. “It’s not what you say, but how you say it!”

— Mae West

Also featured in: Communication Quotes

42. “So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install, a lovely bookcase on the wall.”

— Roald Dahl

Also featured in: Quotes About Books And Reading, Fiction Quotes, Silly Quotes

43. “Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”

— Winston Groom

Also featured in: Fiction Quotes, Life Is Short Quotes, Clever Quotes, Famous Movie Quotes

44. “Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.”

— Oscar Wilde

45. “And what would humans be without love? RARE, said Death.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Relationship Quotes, Fiction Quotes, Different Quotes

46. “Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Knowledge Quotes

47. “It’s not your job to like me – it’s mine.”

— Byron Katie

Also featured in: Self-Worth Quotes, Personality Quotes, Inspiring Quotes, Ego Quotes

48. “Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.”

— Oscar Wilde

49. “If it’s your job to eat a frog, it’s best to do it first thing in the morning. And if it’s your job to eat two frogs, it’s best to eat the biggest one first.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Famous Quotes, Quotes About Work, Good Morning Quotes

50. “Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.”

— Oscar Wilde

Also featured in: Life Quotes, Silly Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Clever Quotes