Top 180 Karl Pilkington Quotes (2025 Update)
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101. “Kids are like farts in that way. They never seem to bother the owner as much as they bother everyone else.”

— Karl Pilkington

102. “Normally you can’t hear you’re own voice because you’re talking over it.”

— Karl Pilkington

103. “It’s easier to have a go at something again when you failed at it as you’ve got nowt to lose.”

— Karl Pilkington

104. “There was always something. It’s like with this one, there’s always something that’s mad that I look back on it and go, that’s pretty amazing to say that I’ve done that or been there.”

— Karl Pilkington

105. “I’m a bit rubbish at knowing when something is good. But if it goes out and I can say, “I wasn’t as bad as I thought I would be”, then I’ll be happy. Until then, I’ll be thinking, “I shouldn’t be here!””

— Karl Pilkington

106. “Comedy’s really subjective, you know.”

— Karl Pilkington

107. “What happens if someone else has my eyes, and they start looking at stuff I don’t like? I don’t like the idea of that.”

— Karl Pilkington

108. “Chinese people age overnight.”

— Karl Pilkington

109. “The only reason you don’t go on holiday, is ’cause you have to spend money.”

— Karl Pilkington

110. “There is someone for everyone, i’nt there. That’s always my thing. And it’s reassuring I think.”

— Karl Pilkington

111. “I know when I was a kid I ate a beetle. I ate a beetle because I thought it was licorice.”

— Karl Pilkington

112. “But I’m not an idiot. At the end of the day, I’ve learned a lot.”

— Karl Pilkington

113. “A single vision is more perfect than a committee vision because with everyone having their say, it becomes compromised.”

— Karl Pilkington

114. “It is hard eating a little kangaroo knob.”

— Karl Pilkington

115. “My mam told me not to tell many people about not being christened, as she said I would be a prime target for witches. To this day I don’t know what she meant by that.”

— Karl Pilkington

116. “The great pyramid is overrated. It’s a bad design. The lounge is going to be huge, but the bedroom is going to be tiny.”

— Karl Pilkington

117. “As long as you’re remembering baby Jesus, does it matter when you’re remembering him. That’s what I’m saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it December 25th.”

— Karl Pilkington

118. “The Elephant Man would never have gotten up and gone, ‘Oh, God. Look at me hair today.’”

— Karl Pilkington

119. “Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive.”

— Karl Pilkington

120. “Could the world fall?”

— Karl Pilkington

121. “I don’t really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of Revels holds enough of a surprise for me.”

— Karl Pilkington

122. “I don’t understand why people take pictures of mimes. Everyone looks like a mime in a picture.”

— Karl Pilkington

123. “From someone whose dad buys him a spade for Christmas, I thought you’d be grateful!”

— Karl Pilkington

124. “When you’ve been on a programme called ‘An Idiot Abroad’ job offers aren’t exactly flying in.”

— Karl Pilkington

125. “It’s not a joke: I really do like being at home.”

— Karl Pilkington

126. “A dog has got human eyes.”

— Karl Pilkington

127. “Me in a one-man tent crouching over carrier bag. It’s not just the lowest point of the trip. It’s the lowest point ever. In 38 years.”

— Karl Pilkington

128. “They’re limited edition,’ she said. ‘Listen,’ I said ’they’re not limited enough. These shouldn’t have been made at all.”

— Karl Pilkington

129. “I don’t know any Londoners ’cos I’m from Manchester.”

— Karl Pilkington

130. “People say if bees die out, the world would end, apparently. Now, I don’t know if that’s true, if that’s some bee enthusiast who managed to write a good document, and people believe this.”

— Karl Pilkington

131. “All fame is is having people you don’t know coming up to you and saying, ‘Hello.’ I’m always polite and people are always nice, but it’s weird.”

— Karl Pilkington

132. “Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain?”

— Karl Pilkington

133. “It’s interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up.”

— Karl Pilkington

134. “This is the problem with over-crowded inner-city schools there aren’t enough parts for everyone in the nativity story.”

— Karl Pilkington

135. “It’s no good operating on eyes if your eyes are asleep.”

— Karl Pilkington

136. “The Chichen Itza is just a pyramid with four sides, with stairs on each side leading to some kind of bungalow on the top.”

— Karl Pilkington

137. “Everyone is living for everyone else now. They’re doing stuff so they can tell other people about it. I don’t get all that social media stuff, I’ve always got other things I want to do – odd jobs around the house. No one wants to hear about that.”

— Karl Pilkington

138. “Making the ‘An Idiot Abroad’ series, I was really dreading going to India; I thought I’d hate it. It was a nightmare, and I was really ill – just like everyone says.”

— Karl Pilkington

139. “Be the ugly one, look at the nice one.”

— Karl Pilkington

140. “I’ve heard goldfish grow to the size of their surroundings; so does furniture.”

— Karl Pilkington

141. “I am into nature and seeing whales. I went whale-watching, and I was really looking forward to that, but when you see it on TV and you see other programs do it, you’re seeing close-ups of these massive creatures, and the music that’s added gives you a certain feeling.”

— Karl Pilkington

142. “Most pirates had one eye, one leg and a hook for a hand. I don’t know why people feared them. If they were around today they’d be registered disabled and would be entitled to so many benefits they wouldn’t have to mess about looking for treasure chests.”

— Karl Pilkington

143. “I think people would live a bit longer if they didn’t know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things.”

— Karl Pilkington

144. “I always have a problem liking things that I’m told I should like. This has been the problem with most of the Wonders I have seen so far. The fact that this one is called the ‘Great’ Wall of China annoys me. I’ll decide if it’s great or not. It might end up being the ‘All Right Wall of China’ to me.”

— Karl Pilkington

145. “If Camels are the ship of the dessert, this one is the Titanic.”

— Karl Pilkington

146. “The reason I did the book about holidays is that you’re a different person on holiday. You’re sleeping somewhere unfamiliar, knocking about with people you’ve never met and for 10 days you’re someone else. You’re out of your comfortable zone.”

— Karl Pilkington

147. “I mean, I don’t really go out at night in terms of noisy, busy places; I prefer more of a quiet corner somewhere.”

— Karl Pilkington

148. “Why is it alright to be going around, going mental with a gun, shooting all the monkeys and killing them? Because one day we’re going to run out.”

— Karl Pilkington

149. “I’ve never understood the ‘things to do before you die’ idea. If I was ill, I’d be in no mood to have a swim with a dolphin.”

— Karl Pilkington

150. “The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn’t have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.”

— Karl Pilkington