Top 180 Karl Pilkington Quotes (2025 Update)
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151. “You know, when you’re a producer, you’re a bit of a lackey. You’re just making cups of tea and making sure they’ve got newspaper, stuff like that.”

— Karl Pilkington

152. “I don’t know what the future is, but you just do it whilst it’s there, don’t you?”

— Karl Pilkington

153. “We’re just a weed in the universe.”

— Karl Pilkington

154. “I’ve always wanted to kick a duck up the ass.”

— Karl Pilkington

155. “The poorer people and criminals of Mexico who are not very religious but not quite atheists, either, worship Saint Death.”

— Karl Pilkington

156. “I’m more open to give things a go, but what I’m not good at yet is holding back. If something is daft or rubbish, I just go, I can’t be doing it.”

— Karl Pilkington

157. “She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?”

— Karl Pilkington

158. “I’ve got loads of nieces and nephews.”

— Karl Pilkington

159. “The other day I was thinking – because I get a lot of headaches – I was wondering whether the head should be where it is. Because, at the end of the day, it’s probably the heaviest part of your body, right? And yet it’s at the top as opposed to, I don’t, dangling at the bottom somewhere.”

— Karl Pilkington

160. “It’s not easy keeping a diary. You have to be pretty committed.”

— Karl Pilkington

161. “I sometimes wonder how we’re short of cod. There’s gonna be a load deep down that are hiding. But it’s a good reason to put the price up, and it means a load of people will have haddock. They should tell people they’re running out of all sorts. Make ’em panic a bit.”

— Karl Pilkington

162. “I don’t want to go about offending people, that’s not my plan.”

— Karl Pilkington

163. “It’s 2006, why are they still using the index finger?”

— Karl Pilkington

164. “I’m not a proper traveler. I don’t like to be challenged or have too much of a change and prefer a week away just to relax.”

— Karl Pilkington

165. “To me, a cat is an easy pet, they don’t need any spoiling or looking after.”

— Karl Pilkington

166. “Knowledge is annoying.”

— Karl Pilkington

167. “Me mum used to always have the radio on – even now she has it on in every room. Me girlfriend sort of blames that reason for me not doing that well at school – constant noise, really.”

— Karl Pilkington

168. “I’ve tried counting sheep like everyone recommends, but what tends to happen is that my brain thinks it’s seen the same sheep twice and that messes up my count, and when I think there’s no more sheep to count, another three will come running along and startle me. Or just as I think I’ve finished counting, an elephant comes running in. By this point I’m wide awake.”

— Karl Pilkington

169. “Luke mentioned that a lot of people go to the Kumbh Mela festival to ‘find themselves’. That’s a saying I’ve never understood. If I did want to find myself, I don’t think I’d find me at a festival with 20 million other people. I hate crowds. The.”

— Karl Pilkington

170. “If something happened to Suzanne I don’t think I would want to go through with finding somebody else either. I’d feel quite lost without her. It would be like separating Siamese twins, as we’ve been through everything together. Which can also be handy, as my memory isn’t what it used to be, so I use hers as my back-up memory drive. Meeting someone new would be like getting a new phone. You have to start again, input all of your information into them while trying to get to know their functions.”

— Karl Pilkington

171. “Blind people can stay up longer than someone with eyes.”

— Karl Pilkington

172. “Just tick a few boxes, agree to the terms and conditions and wait for the automated reply that says it’s all gone through and we’re now husband and wife. Why has that not been set up?”

— Karl Pilkington

173. “The only memory I have was how the wrestler’s balls that were thrust into my face left a saltiness on my lips. At first I assumed it was from the tacos, and then I realised I’d not eaten any today. I.”

— Karl Pilkington

174. “I’m not that lazy, but I don’t need that much money. I lead a fairly simple life.”

— Karl Pilkington

175. “Thinking is underrated. I don’t think thinking is a popular pastime these days due to the fact there’s always something else on offer that you could be doing instead. Maybe people also don’t like to do it as much as it’s now harder due to noise.”

— Karl Pilkington

176. “I’d prefer to have a world of grumpy considerate people than happy selfish ones.”

— Karl Pilkington

177. “People eat duck and you think, well, we’ve got loads of chickens, leave the ducks alone!”

— Karl Pilkington

178. “One of my wisdom teeth is playing up. My dentist said it is known to happen with some people when they’re stressed. My teeth seem to know I’m stressed before I do. Maybe that’s why they’re called wisdom teeth.”

— Karl Pilkington

179. “The problem is, these days you have to listen to too many parts of your body. Sometimes I go with my gut feeling, some say go with what your heart says – it’s only a matter of time before my appendix will have an opinion. This is probably why there are so many helplines these days. No one knows who to bloody listen to!”

— Karl Pilkington

180. “It’s like there’s some unwritten rule that if you’re mates, you can say what you want to each other, and you don’t really get that annoyed about it.”

— Karl Pilkington

181. “Art seems to be about coming up with your own story or take on each piece. This made me think about the mystery of the Mona Lisa. Everyone likes that painting cos they don’t know the story behind it. Who is she? Why the cheeky smile? If the Mona Lisa was done today, we’d know everything there was to know about her cos she’d have sold her story to Heat magazine and done some open-hearted interview with a tabloid before the paint was dry.”

— Karl Pilkington

182. “I sometimes wear headphones even though I’m not listening to anything just so I’m left alone. It’s the next best thing to wearing a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign.”

— Karl Pilkington

183. “It wouldn’t happen... There hasn’t been one publication by a monkey.”

— Karl Pilkington

184. “I’ve never thought about it before, but I suppose bad people might need someone to pray to, too.”

— Karl Pilkington

185. “Honestly, all the trouble Noah went to saving the animals two by two and now we’re making handbags out of them. I.”

— Karl Pilkington

186. “For me, a good holiday is about value for money rather than things to see.”

— Karl Pilkington

187. “We had the Stone Age and the Bronze Age, now we’re living in the Interfering Age.”

— Karl Pilkington

188. “Cher sang the song “If I Could Turn Back Time” about how she wished she could turn back time just so she could stop an argument that she’d had. If this is the sort of stupid thing people would be doing with time travel, I don’t think we should encourage it.”

— Karl Pilkington

189. “Research shows that arranged marriages last longer, and I wonder if it’s down to the fact that it’s other people putting you together, like when a family member buys you a gift it’s not easy to throw it away, as there’s a chance they’ll come to visit and ask where it is and get upset when you say you’ve binned it.”

— Karl Pilkington

190. “I suppose that’s what I find odd about arranged marriages: not that they exist, but the fact that they exist in India, a place where it seems nothing is properly arranged.”

— Karl Pilkington

191. “You can get 5 million million atoms on the head of a pin”, it said. Atoms are dangerous enough – they are what makes the atomic bomb so powerful. So why store them on top of a dangerous sharp object like a pin? They’re asking for trouble.”

— Karl Pilkington

192. “Maybe this is how Michael Jackson came up with his moonwalk. Maybe he was acting out a time when he stepped in dogshit and tried to get it off his shoes.”

— Karl Pilkington

193. “I bought an Apple iPad and it was out of date sooner than a real apple would have been. We.”

— Karl Pilkington

194. “I’d heard street food was a big thing here in Mexico but I didn’t think it meant the creatures that lived on the street.”

— Karl Pilkington