Top 180 Karl Pilkington Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “If you can’t do it, don’t do it.”

— Karl Pilkington

2. “Every step starts with a step.”

— Karl Pilkington

3. “A problem solved is a problem caused.”

— Karl Pilkington

4. “I’d rather live in a cave with a view of a palace than live in a palace with a view of a cave.”

— Karl Pilkington

5. “What I mean is, I don’t know what I mean...”

— Karl Pilkington

6. “Pigeons: They’ve got wings, but they walk a lot...”

— Karl Pilkington

7. “Being honest with you, it’s not the ‘great’ wall of China. It’s an all right wall. It’s the ‘All Right Wall of China.’”

— Karl Pilkington

8. “If you live in a glass house, don’t be chucking stuff about.”

— Karl Pilkington

9. “If you’re worrying about the wrinkles on your bollocks I’d say your life’s pretty good.”

— Karl Pilkington

10. “Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don’t know if I’m in charge of mine.”

— Karl Pilkington

11. “People who live in a glass house have to answer the door.”

— Karl Pilkington

12. “Happiness is like a cake: have too much of it and you get sick of it.”

— Karl Pilkington

13. “Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain’t been back. It can’t have been that good.”

— Karl Pilkington

14. “A slug is always on its own. It’s a lonely insect.”

— Karl Pilkington

15. “Stop looking at the walls, look out the window.”

— Karl Pilkington

16. “You don’t get anything done by planning.”

— Karl Pilkington

17. “Whether it’s a potato or a nut, it’s a foodage!”

— Karl Pilkington

18. “You can only talk rubbish if you’re aware of knowledge.”

— Karl Pilkington

19. “I saw a bee have a heart attack...”

— Karl Pilkington

20. “Knowledge is almost annoying...”

— Karl Pilkington

21. “We all just want to sit on our ass.”

— Karl Pilkington

22. “I could eat a knob at night.”

— Karl Pilkington

23. “You never get an angry man suddenly breaking into a whistle.”

— Karl Pilkington

24. “I don’t know why small chocolates are called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they’d kick off.”

— Karl Pilkington

25. “It’s weird how me and that insect are miles apart in terms of lifestyle, yet we both like a biscuit.”

— Karl Pilkington

26. “Cat food. It stinks a bit, but if you don’t put up with the smell, the little kitten will die.”

— Karl Pilkington

27. “We’re gonna get weaker. That’s already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they’re saying eat five fruits. That’s evidence. You can’t argue with that.”

— Karl Pilkington

28. “When i was younger i remember once i went to bed and i was so happy that i laughed myself to sleep...”

— Karl Pilkington

29. “Treat the world like a head.”

— Karl Pilkington

30. “Your dreams should never be better than your real life.”

— Karl Pilkington

31. “If you are living the dream, how do you know if you are asleep or awake?”

— Karl Pilkington

32. “If you sit in a bath of pineapple chunks, it can kill you. That’s well documented.”

— Karl Pilkington

33. “Why didn’t evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?”

— Karl Pilkington

34. “There is no need for ants to have the ability to fly.”

— Karl Pilkington

35. “Stay green, stay in the woods, and stay safe.”

— Karl Pilkington

36. “People say having kids is life changing, well that doesn’t necessarily mean a good thing, does it? I could take one of my legs off. That would change my life.”

— Karl Pilkington

37. “I’ve heard that fact, that is you eat more than six bananas it will kill you. I saw a bowl with seven bananas in it and I thought, that’s dangerous.”

— Karl Pilkington

38. “There’s a lot of idiots in the world, so live with it.”

— Karl Pilkington

39. “Apparently you’re not allowed to lick a toad’s back.”

— Karl Pilkington

40. “If you don’t have a plan, you can end up doing some interesting things.”

— Karl Pilkington

41. “I know who I am. Bloody hell, I’m getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, ’cos if I’m not, I have no idea who I’m paying for.”

— Karl Pilkington

42. “They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn’t anything else drown it out at the time?”

— Karl Pilkington

43. “I never buy a piece of art. I don’t see the point in buying something because I know my eyes will get bored of it eventually.”

— Karl Pilkington

44. “We are always making more and more stuff in the world. You know; big buildings, big planes, big boats and that. Will we ever get to a point where all this is too heavy for the world to handle?”

— Karl Pilkington

45. “If Dracula can’t see his reflection, how come his parting’s always neat?”

— Karl Pilkington

46. “My brain’s just full of passwords.”

— Karl Pilkington

47. “At what point is a wasp ever going to have a chat with a spider?”

— Karl Pilkington

48. “People moan about drugs being tested on animals. I sort of think it depends innit. If the drug’s aspirin and the monkey’s got a headache, is it right?”

— Karl Pilkington

49. “How would I know which one I was?”

— Karl Pilkington

50. “Who’d have thought the Frisbee would have caught on?”

— Karl Pilkington