Top 200 Louis C.K. Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “You could drive a rental car until you don’t want it. Just get out of it while it’s moving and just walk away. No, I don’t feel like being in that car any longer. Just call Hertz. Hi, your car is drifting into the intersection of 28th and Broadway, if you’re interested. It’s now your problem.”

— Louis C.K.

52. “It’s kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody’s looking at me.”

— Louis C.K.

53. “I’d like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like Ladies and Gentlemen. That’ll be a cool name for a kid. This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen! Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, Ladies and Gentlemen, please!”

— Louis C.K.

54. “Perception is created and twisted so quickly.”

— Louis C.K.

55. “One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.”

— Louis C.K.

56. “Look at all the minorities around here! I’m the only majority.”

— Louis C.K.

57. “Why can’t we have racism that’s ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, “Those Chinese people, they can fly!” “You know about the Puerto Ricans? They’re made of candy!””

— Louis C.K.

58. “I found out that I’m a pretty bad father. I make a lot of mistakes and I don’t know what I’m doing. But my kids love me. Go figure.”

— Louis C.K.

59. “When I see two guys kissing, I’m like, how come I can’t kiss one of those guys? They look like they’re having a good time.”

— Louis C.K.

60. “I’ve started to kind of hate people, and it’s not because I have anything against them. It’s just, I enjoy it. It’s recreation.”

— Louis C.K.

61. “I don’t have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.”

— Louis C.K.

62. “What we’ve done with our modern food supply is absolute insanity. It’s not even real any more. You used to be able to give a kid an apple and they would love it. Kids can’t even taste apples any more. Apples taste like paper to kids now.”

— Louis C.K.

63. “All these words we use, anybody can be a genius now. It used to be you had to have a thought no one ever had before or you had to invent a number. Now, it’s like, Hey, I’ve got a cup in case we need another cup. Dude, you’re a genius!”

— Louis C.K.

64. “I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of them – that’s just the way I am they make me feel good about who I am.”

— Louis C.K.

65. “To me, comedies are usually the least funny movies. Movies that are actually a comedy are usually not all that funny. To me Goodfellas and Raging Bull are two of the funniest movies I ever saw.”

— Louis C.K.

66. “Sorry – Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someone’s getting hurt.”

— Louis C.K.

67. “I’ve met a lot of people who’ve lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.”

— Louis C.K.

68. “Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you’ll probably never get it back. If you let people down, that’s really hard to come back from – harder than climbing from nothing to something, even.”

— Louis C.K.

69. “Spend time with your kids and have your own ideas about what they need. It won’t take away your manhood; it will give it to you.”

— Louis C.K.

70. “There’s been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It’s really easy to say, ‘Well, you’re Christian, you’re anti-this and that, and I hate you.’ But to me, it’s more interesting to say, ‘What is this person like and how do they really think?’”

— Louis C.K.

71. “You have to do a show as honestly as you can. But you also can’t afford skepticism, because it’s preparing for failure, which is useless.”

— Louis C.K.

72. “I grew up in a generation that had exponential technological advances.”

— Louis C.K.

73. “You have to be aware of who you’re talking to in an audience.”

— Louis C.K.

74. “It’s just a big excuse to say awful things.”

— Louis C.K.

75. “I like being full, every day, with stuff that I have to do.”

— Louis C.K.

76. “If the whole country had to have the same conversation that was safe for everybody, it would be a pretty awful place to live. There wouldn’t be a conversation.”

— Louis C.K.

77. “When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I’m like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we’re walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides.”

— Louis C.K.

78. “I don’t have a brother in real life.”

— Louis C.K.

79. “Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.”

— Louis C.K.

80. “I don’t like waking up. I feel like staying in bed usually, but I can’t because I’ve got two kids standing next to my bed, just eager to live another day.”

— Louis C.K.

81. “When your kid is being selfish or greedy and you want to help them not be that way, you have to find a way to articulate it and inspire them.”

— Louis C.K.

82. “I don’t care about the weight. You know, I’m lucky; I’m one of those people – I can eat donuts, whatever, and I just get fat.”

— Louis C.K.

83. “We have white people problems in America. You know what that is? That’s when your life is amazing, so you just make stuff up to get worried about.”

— Louis C.K.

84. “Most people are dead. Did you know that? It’s true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.”

— Louis C.K.

85. “Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it’s really like magic because you transform reality for people.”

— Louis C.K.

86. “Some people think it’s demeaning to victims if you ever say anything out-loud about sexual abuse of children. I don’t know if that’s true.”

— Louis C.K.

87. “When I am in a hotel, and I turn off the lights and the TV, I just freak out. I turn the TV back on and don’t get any sleep.”

— Louis C.K.

88. “The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time, and if you don’t give up, you will get better.”

— Louis C.K.

89. “When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, ‘This is just dumb.’”

— Louis C.K.

90. “You would never do stand-up without an audience. I mean, no one would even consider it. It’s like they’re the instrument you’re playing.”

— Louis C.K.

91. “Comedians and Feminists are natural enemies. Because stereotypically speaking, feminists can’t take a joke and comedians can’t take criticism.”

— Louis C.K.

92. “How do women still go out guys, when you consider that there is no greater threat to women than men? We’re the number one threat to women! Globally, and historically one cause of injury and mayhem to women. You know what our number one threat is? Heart disease.”

— Louis C.K.

93. “Gay men have to go through something to own their – who they are. They get beat up. They get ostracized. Whatever they go through, if they survive it, they come out very confident people.”

— Louis C.K.

94. “When two kids are being completely berserk, and they’re naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they’re going to be dressed, and they’re going to be at school. So I kind of let stuff go sometimes.”

— Louis C.K.

95. “I’m not raising the children-I’m raising the grown-ups that they’re going to be.”

— Louis C.K.

96. “Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.”

— Louis C.K.

97. “Bill has three goldfish. He buys two more. How many dogs live in London?”

— Louis C.K.

98. “Plenty of crazy people in New York. There are so many crazy people here, I think it’s like one out of every one person is completely out of their mind.”

— Louis C.K.

99. “You can’t cancel my stand-up tours. It’s impossible. There’s too many separate bosses. There is no ‘bosses.’”

— Louis C.K.

100. “I thought about going to NYU film school – that was this ideal to me. But I didn’t make any kind of grades in high school.”

— Louis C.K.