Top 200 Louis C.K. Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.”

— Louis C.K.

2. “The only time you look in your neighbor’s bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don’t look in your neighbor’s bowl to see if you have as much as them.”

— Louis C.K.

3. “‘I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.’”

— Louis C.K.

4. “You’ll be fine. You’re 25. Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don’t avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. Take a breath. You’ll be okay. Even if you don’t feel okay all the time.”

— Louis C.K.

5. “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he’ll figure it out.”

— Louis C.K.

6. “Everything is amazing and nobody is happy.”

— Louis C.K.

7. “What happens after you die? Lot’s of things happen after you die – they just don’t involve you.”

— Louis C.K.

8. “If you can survive disappointment, nothing can beat you.”

— Louis C.K.

9. “I have a lot of beliefs and I live by none of them.”

— Louis C.K.

10. “I don’t stop eating when I’m full. The meal isn’t over when I’m full. It’s over when I hate myself.”

— Louis C.K.

11. “Everything that’s difficult you should be able to laugh about.”

— Louis C.K.

12. “When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.”

— Louis C.K.

13. “People say, ‘My phone sucks.’ No, it doesn’t! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.”

— Louis C.K.

14. “Misery is wasted on the miserable.”

— Louis C.K.

15. “Here’s how my brain works: It’s stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis.”

— Louis C.K.

16. “It’s a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.”

— Louis C.K.

Featured in: Quotes About Laughing

17. “I’ve learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work.”

— Louis C.K.

18. “If you do something and people think you’re stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.”

— Louis C.K.

19. “Expensive quality work doesn’t cost more – it pays.”

— Louis C.K.

20. “Out of the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. There are way more dead people, and you’re all gonna die and then you’re gonna be dead for way longer than you’re alive. Like that’s mostly what you’re ever gonna be. You’re just dead people that didn’t die yet.”

— Louis C.K.

21. “When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn’t matter who’s president.”

— Louis C.K.

22. “I like pressure. Pressure doesn’t make me crack. It’s enabling. I eat pressure, and there might be times when I get a bad feeling in my gut that this might be too much, but you feel pressure when you’re not doing something, you know?”

— Louis C.K.

23. “Life is full of horrible mistakes.”

— Louis C.K.

24. “I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you’re good at.”

— Louis C.K.

25. “You know what, it’s not your life, it’s life. Life is bigger than you, if you can imagine that. Life isn’t something that you possess, it’s something that you take part in and witness.”

— Louis C.K.

26. “If you think everything you’ve done is great, you’re probably dumb.”

— Louis C.K.

27. “The part that’s difficult is being single, at 41, after 10 years of marriage and two kids. That’s like having a bunch of money in a currency of a country that doesn’t exist anymore.”

— Louis C.K.

Featured in: Being Single Quotes

28. “I just love learning. I think learning is how you live. The verb of my life is learning.”

— Louis C.K.

29. “Sadness is poetic. You’re lucky to live sad moments. When you let yourself be sad, your body has antibodies. It has happiness that comes rushing in to meet the sadness.”

— Louis C.K.

30. “You’re a tourist in sexual perversion. I’m a prisoner there.”

— Louis C.K.

31. “You know the only thing happier than a three-legged dog? A four-legged dog.”

— Louis C.K.

32. “I don’t know if you’ve ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I’ve found that if that’s all you have, you can’t get it out.”

— Louis C.K.

33. “I know I’m getting old because there will be times when I’m not even doing anything and I’ll think, ‘I need to go wipe my ass right now.’”

— Louis C.K.

34. “If you have something to say, here’s what you do: You write it down on a piece of paper, you go out in the lobby, and then you go home and you kill yourself.”

— Louis C.K.

35. “If you’re older, you’re smarter. I just believe that. If you’re in an argument with someone older than you, you should listen to ’em. Even if they’re wrong, their wrongness is rooted in more information than you have.”

— Louis C.K.

36. “Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.”

— Louis C.K.

37. “I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish – that’s what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.”

— Louis C.K.

38. “The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It’s a massive gift to be able to say you’re not the most important person to yourself.”

— Louis C.K.

39. “I don’t think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women.”

— Louis C.K.

40. “Some things I think are very conservative, or very liberal. I think when someone falls into one category for everything, I’m very suspicious. It doesn’t make sense to me that you’d have the same solution to every issue.”

— Louis C.K.

41. “Human kindness has no reward. You should give to others in every way you see. expect absolutely nothing from anyone. It should be your goal to love every human you encounter. All human suffering that you’re aware of and continues without your effort to stop it becomes your crime.”

— Louis C.K.

42. “Life isn’t something you possess. It’s something you take part in, and you witness.”

— Louis C.K.

43. “To me, art supplies are always okay to buy.”

— Louis C.K.

44. “I would rather be with my kids than anybody else.”

— Louis C.K.

45. “I’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don’t live that long. It doesn’t matter.”

— Louis C.K.

46. “I find that when people laugh really hard, it’s usually because they’re connecting and identifying in a way that they hadn’t considered. That’s my payoff.”

— Louis C.K.

47. “I don’t think it makes any sense to try to get anyone to not talk.”

— Louis C.K.

48. “I have a crazy amount of different jobs, so the way I manage that is to not do more than one at a time. It’s like old computers that had small memory chips, they would do something called swapping, where they would fill the memory with one task, do it and get it out.”

— Louis C.K.

49. “Being popular with an audience is a very rickety ladder to be on.”

— Louis C.K.

50. “I love being married. It’s great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It’s just easier; it goes quicker. She’s like, “What’s wrong with you?” And I’m like, “I know! Damn it! Argh!””

— Louis C.K.