Top 200 Louis C.K. Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “I thought about going to NYU film school – that was this ideal to me. But I didn’t make any kind of grades in high school.”

— Louis C.K.

102. “Talking is always positive. That’s why I talk too much.”

— Louis C.K.

103. “I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, “You hips. You hips need to get it together.””

— Louis C.K.

104. “When my kids were younger, I used to avoid them. I used to sit on the toilet ’til my legs fell asleep. You want to know why your father spends so long in the toilet? Because he’s not sure he wants to be a father.”

— Louis C.K.

105. “I look around, pretty much 100% of the people driving are texting. And they’re killing, everybody’s murdering each other with their cars. But people are willing to risk taking a life and ruining their own because they don’t want to be alone for a second because it’s so hard.”

— Louis C.K.

106. “You can’t direct without a good crew.”

— Louis C.K.

107. “Whenever I’ve encountered a Christian saying, ‘Why don’t you stop talking like that so I can hear you?’ I think, ‘Well you’re the one putting the earmuffs on, but I wish you could hear me because I like you.’”

— Louis C.K.

108. “You can do eight things. We got it down to eight for you.”

— Louis C.K.

109. “Black people have slavery. And white people have our own thing-stuff we went though that hurt us that we have to cope with. Like when they took our slaves away. That was really hard for us. So it’s pretty even.”

— Louis C.K.

110. “You don’t look down at your feet. A lot of comedians want to look down at their feet, but you break contact with the audience.”

— Louis C.K.

111. “I’m not sure why I’m so often disgusting on stage. I don’t always know where it comes from.”

— Louis C.K.

112. “All talking is good, negative and positive. Stabbing is bad; talking is good.”

— Louis C.K.

113. “When you’re a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother’s assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore.”

— Louis C.K.

114. “My bank is the worst. They are screwing me. You know what they did to me? They’re charging me money for not having enough money. Apparently, when you’re broke, that costs money.”

— Louis C.K.

115. “If you had a jetpack you’d be like I have the shittiest jetpack. Who’s your service provider on your jetpack? Did they make the new one? I hate this thing.”

— Louis C.K.

116. “I was a nerd growing up, and I’m a little antisocial and awkward.”

— Louis C.K.

117. “The only road to doing good shows, is doing bad shows.”

— Louis C.K.

118. “Fathers have skills that they never use at home. You run a landscaping business and you can’t dress and feed a four-year-old? Take it on!”

— Louis C.K.

119. “There’s no such thing as a cheap laugh.”

— Louis C.K.

120. “Young people don’t even consider that it’s a good idea to be out on the fringe, which is where good ideas come from.”

— Louis C.K.

121. “Stand-up is probably the most solo performance in art.”

— Louis C.K.

122. “My kids and I figured out that there’s a third kind of person, and I don’t know what you call them, but it’s somebody who sees that the glass is always full because it’s half full with water and half full with nothing, so that’s the third kind of person. I don’t know what it is.”

— Louis C.K.

123. “You know what our number one threat is? Heart disease.”

— Louis C.K.

124. “America’s a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.”

— Louis C.K.

125. “I remember the day I saw my hair was thinning. I don’t remember caring much. I don’t care. It’s just hair. It never bothered me much. I was pretty young, too. And it happened and is happening very slowly. I have a feeling dead people get really mad when we complain about losing hair.”

— Louis C.K.

126. “I always tell my kids to cut a sandwich in half right when you get it, and the first thought you should have is somebody else. You only ever need half a burger.”

— Louis C.K.

127. “The last jobs I had were fixing cars and covering football games for a local access TV station. As in driving the mobile van to the field, setting up 3 cameras, teaching depressed grownups and interns how to use them and directing the game from the van and then wanting to kill myself.”

— Louis C.K.

128. “My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!”

— Louis C.K.

129. “If you’re a woman and a guy’s ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.”

— Louis C.K.

130. “A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn’t hurt anybody.”

— Louis C.K.

131. “You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says “dolphin safe”, and you look at it and kind of go, “Yeah, but”-like somehow you think it’s not going to be as good? Like, “I want to do the right thing-but it’s probably kind of bland without the dolphin.””

— Louis C.K.

132. “When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.”

— Louis C.K.

133. “I have Twitter so I can tell people what I want them to buy and they give me money.”

— Louis C.K.

134. “I do love standup. I love comedians. They’re my community. Also, because I know so many of them, I know the value of them. I know what they can do.”

— Louis C.K.

135. “Very few American parents give a crap about how they raise their kids. They put minimal effort into it. Who told you it’s a good idea to buy a developing mind a video game?”

— Louis C.K.

136. “Some entertainers don’t pay attention to what’s going on around them.”

— Louis C.K.

137. “Television for a child creates such a high bar of stimulus that nothing else competes. A beautiful day is absolute crap to a kid who watches tv.”

— Louis C.K.

138. “I do have very deep, fond memories of my family in Mexico City, but I also remember feeling funny for not speaking English – I was basically an immigrant. But I picked up the language fast and soon I knew that I wanted to be a writer.”

— Louis C.K.

139. “It’s easier to cancel a show if it’s expensive.”

— Louis C.K.

140. “There’s a huge amount of work that goes into placating a network in regular television. It’s literally 70% or 80% of your workload, is showing them the material, getting their notes and presenting it to them and making sure they weigh in. It’s a huge amount of work.”

— Louis C.K.

141. “Cars and cameras are the two things I let myself be materialistic about. I don’t care about other stuff.”

— Louis C.K.

142. “I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.”

— Louis C.K.

143. “I’ve tried to do away with lying in my life in the last few years, but it’s hard.”

— Louis C.K.

144. “I’ve always loved boxing. It’s something I’ve always been extremely excited about.”

— Louis C.K.

145. “There’s two kinds of press that you get when you put out a TV show: The reviews, and the people that just decide what the reviews say.”

— Louis C.K.

146. “My show is sort of a short-film anthology, and I’m able to tell little stories that don’t necessarily carry a whole episode in terms of narrative. I like the audience not being sure what they’re getting. I think it’s more fun to watch something when you’re discovering it as you go along.”

— Louis C.K.

147. “Most Americans have so much crap, that you could lose most of it and still have way more stuff than the average Canadian.”

— Louis C.K.

148. “A lot of TV is put together by teams, by writing staffs and several different directors. It’s a great, very smart way to make television. It’s worked for however long TV’s been around.”

— Louis C.K.

149. “If I’m not on tour, I can run down to the comedy club and do a little stand-up. If you’re an actor, you can’t go – I guess there’s forms of it.”

— Louis C.K.

150. “I never viewed money as being ‘my money’ I always saw it as ‘the money.’ It’s a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.”

— Louis C.K.