Top 100

Top 150 Norm MacDonald Quotes (2024 Update)
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Norm MacDonald Quote: “I’ve just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn’t know them, I wouldn’t know they were funny from the television. I don’t know what it does, it just sucks it away.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “I’m a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don’t remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “Whenever I do theaters, I don’t like ’em. I don’t think they’re right for stand-up.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “Stand-up has the best writers, because it’s the hardest writing by a million miles.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “If you’re watching a comedian on television and he’s making a political point, I would say he’s gotten too serious.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “A suspicious person is the rival of him that deceives, both seem to practice a knowledge of cunning device, and equable sense of disengenuous merit.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “The character of giving advice often makes us accountable for the conduct of those we advise.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “Our passions may be compared to certain slaves – the more severity we show them, the better they obey us.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “It is often better to be restricted to necessity than unconfined in the measure of our desires: prosperity destroys more individuals than adversity ruins.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “A man’s enemies are those he should endeavor first to make his friends.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “I never had any interest in sitcoms or motion pictures or anything like that.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “As evacuation eases the body, so occasional ejectment of passion seems to appease the agonies of the soul, and dispose to tranquility the agitations of the heart.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “I never do impressions, but I probably should. People like that stuff.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “A readiness to excuse some faults, shows a disposition to commit others.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “The promises we break are usually such as we are most forward in making.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “During misfortunes, nothing aggravates our condition more, than to be esteemed deserving of them.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “I love writing – it’s the best. But I really hate collaboration.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “Laws, however divine in origin and institution, would be found of little coercion among men, were the administration of them not committed to mortals.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “I just like doing standup, that’s all I’m interested in or good at.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “Many frequently change their principles, but seldom their practices.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “I sort of have open invitations from a lot of people to do TV. But it’s very hard for me to do roles in sitcoms and movies because I’m not a great actor, so if the material isn’t good, I’m in torment while I do it.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “They that are virtuous from principle may receive confidence in every capacity; but they that are so from custom or habit, are capable of trust only in matters of ordinary and settled occurrence.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “In giving advice, aptitude is often less to be considered, than seasonableness.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “The only thing an old man can tell a young man is that it goes fast, real fast, and if you’re not careful it’s too late. Of course, the young man will never understand this truth.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “Most men appear wiser in their doubts than in their belief.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “That’s where I found him, making a living underneath the Queensboro Bridge, jerking off punks for fifteen dollars a man.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “Earlier this week, Marlon Brando met with Jewish leaders to apologize for comments he made on Larry King Live, among them that “Hollywood is run by Jews.” The Jewish leaders accepted the actor’s apology and announced that Brando is now free to work again.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “And you’d correct him, but the thing is, you’re not sure you remember it a hundred percent accurately yourself. It turns out your memory isn’t the precise court stenographer you think it is, getting every word down just so. It’s more like the sketch artist way at the back of the courtroom who is doing his level best to capture images that no longer are.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “It’s funny how something as small as the news of a teenager being slaughtered and tossed in a ravine can be enough to lift the spirits of an entire set full of important Hollywood people.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “As long as the red dice are in the air, the gambler has hope. And hope is a wonderful thing to be addicted to.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “Women are attracted to funny men, it is often said. This is not true. It only appears this way because women laugh at everything a very handsome man says. So this gives the very handsome men the idea that they are funny.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “As Adolf Hitler once said, all publicity is good publicity.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “Now that all hope is gone, a deep relief has taken its place, and I allow myself to enjoy it before the despair sets in.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “And he was standing there, reading one of those big books. You know the kind. Usually you can’t even understand their stupid titles, and when you try to read them you get one word in and get really sleepy. And it’s so stupid to try anyway, because if the stupid book is any good they’ll make a TV movie out of it and then you can watch that instead.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “When it’s unexpected, death comes fast like a ravenous wolf and tears open your throat with a merciful fury. But when it’s expected, it comes slow and patient like a snake, and the doctor tells you how far away it is and when, exactly it will be at your door. And when it will be at the foot of your bed. And when it will be on your flesh. It’s all right there on the clipboards.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “I remember a psychiatrist once telling me that I gamble in order to escape the reality of life, and I told him that’s why everyone does everything.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “Long after I left the segment, the term “fake news” became the ordinary way to describe what was done on SNL as well as The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. So who’s the idiot now?”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “Death is a funny thing. Not funny haha, like a Woody Allen movie, but funny strange, like a Woody Allen marriage.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “I’ll admit that I’m deeply closeted, but I’ll never admit that I’m gay.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “Sometimes a writer’s strike is good. Maybe if we had a writer’s strike now, people would have to read Shakespeare instead of James Patterson.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “Norm, I’m gonna be straight with you, because I’ve been in this business a long time. If the star of a movie has a personal assistant who, during the production of that movie, butchers over a dozen teenagers, that’s gonna hurt at the box office.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “The plain truth is that Adam Eget is an alcoholic and that’s why he doesn’t drink. Me, I’m not an alcoholic and that’s why I do drink. Life sure is funny that way.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “I could not ignore their withering glances. They looked at me the way real vampires look at Count Chocula.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “Well, the results are in, and once again Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is the richest man in America. Gates says he is grateful for his huge financial success, but it still makes him sad when he looks around and sees other people with any money whatsoever.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “She said she could no longer live in New York, that she was being tormented day and night by some obsessive stalker. This caught me completely by surprise, as I had taken to hanging around Sarah’s apartment, hiding in the bushes day and night, watching her come and go, and I had never seen any signs of a stalker.”
Norm MacDonald Quote: “On the final night, Adam Sandler told me the following season would be a rough, divisive one, and he wanted to know which side I’d take. I told him I wanted to be on the side of the guy who had shoved the baby tomatoes up his ass. Adam smiled.”
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