Top 150 Norm MacDonald Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “We are happy at the respect others pay our favorites, because we consider it a lively confirmation of our own choice, and as so much homage reflected on ourselves.”

— Norm MacDonald

102. “I’m a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don’t remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio.”

— Norm MacDonald

103. “I’ve just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn’t know them, I wouldn’t know they were funny from the television. I don’t know what it does, it just sucks it away.”

— Norm MacDonald

104. “Whenever I do theaters, I don’t like ’em. I don’t think they’re right for stand-up.”

— Norm MacDonald

105. “Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.”

— Norm MacDonald

106. “That’s where I found him, making a living underneath the Queensboro Bridge, jerking off punks for fifteen dollars a man.”

— Norm MacDonald

107. “Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them.”

— Norm MacDonald

108. “It is often better to be restricted to necessity than unconfined in the measure of our desires: prosperity destroys more individuals than adversity ruins.”

— Norm MacDonald

109. “Stand-up has the best writers, because it’s the hardest writing by a million miles.”

— Norm MacDonald

110. “The character of giving advice often makes us accountable for the conduct of those we advise.”

— Norm MacDonald

111. “If you’re watching a comedian on television and he’s making a political point, I would say he’s gotten too serious.”

— Norm MacDonald

112. “A suspicious person is the rival of him that deceives, both seem to practice a knowledge of cunning device, and equable sense of disengenuous merit.”

— Norm MacDonald

113. “As evacuation eases the body, so occasional ejectment of passion seems to appease the agonies of the soul, and dispose to tranquility the agitations of the heart.”

— Norm MacDonald

114. “Our passions may be compared to certain slaves – the more severity we show them, the better they obey us.”

— Norm MacDonald

115. “A man’s enemies are those he should endeavor first to make his friends.”

— Norm MacDonald

116. “A readiness to excuse some faults, shows a disposition to commit others.”

— Norm MacDonald

117. “I never had any interest in sitcoms or motion pictures or anything like that.”

— Norm MacDonald

118. “During misfortunes, nothing aggravates our condition more, than to be esteemed deserving of them.”

— Norm MacDonald

119. “It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.”

— Norm MacDonald

120. “Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence.”

— Norm MacDonald

121. “I never do impressions, but I probably should. People like that stuff.”

— Norm MacDonald

122. “The promises we break are usually such as we are most forward in making.”

— Norm MacDonald

123. “I love writing – it’s the best. But I really hate collaboration.”

— Norm MacDonald

124. “Laws, however divine in origin and institution, would be found of little coercion among men, were the administration of them not committed to mortals.”

— Norm MacDonald

125. “Many frequently change their principles, but seldom their practices.”

— Norm MacDonald

126. “I just like doing standup, that’s all I’m interested in or good at.”

— Norm MacDonald

127. “As long as the red dice are in the air, the gambler has hope. And hope is a wonderful thing to be addicted to.”

— Norm MacDonald

128. “I sort of have open invitations from a lot of people to do TV. But it’s very hard for me to do roles in sitcoms and movies because I’m not a great actor, so if the material isn’t good, I’m in torment while I do it.”

— Norm MacDonald

129. “When it’s unexpected, death comes fast like a ravenous wolf and tears open your throat with a merciful fury. But when it’s expected, it comes slow and patient like a snake, and the doctor tells you how far away it is and when, exactly it will be at your door. And when it will be at the foot of your bed. And when it will be on your flesh. It’s all right there on the clipboards.”

— Norm MacDonald

130. “They that are virtuous from principle may receive confidence in every capacity; but they that are so from custom or habit, are capable of trust only in matters of ordinary and settled occurrence.”

— Norm MacDonald

131. “It’s funny how something as small as the news of a teenager being slaughtered and tossed in a ravine can be enough to lift the spirits of an entire set full of important Hollywood people.”

— Norm MacDonald

132. “As Adolf Hitler once said, all publicity is good publicity.”

— Norm MacDonald

133. “In giving advice, aptitude is often less to be considered, than seasonableness.”

— Norm MacDonald

134. “Now that all hope is gone, a deep relief has taken its place, and I allow myself to enjoy it before the despair sets in.”

— Norm MacDonald

135. “And you’d correct him, but the thing is, you’re not sure you remember it a hundred percent accurately yourself. It turns out your memory isn’t the precise court stenographer you think it is, getting every word down just so. It’s more like the sketch artist way at the back of the courtroom who is doing his level best to capture images that no longer are.”

— Norm MacDonald

136. “Most men appear wiser in their doubts than in their belief.”

— Norm MacDonald

137. “Earlier this week, Marlon Brando met with Jewish leaders to apologize for comments he made on Larry King Live, among them that “Hollywood is run by Jews.” The Jewish leaders accepted the actor’s apology and announced that Brando is now free to work again.”

— Norm MacDonald

138. “Women are attracted to funny men, it is often said. This is not true. It only appears this way because women laugh at everything a very handsome man says. So this gives the very handsome men the idea that they are funny.”

— Norm MacDonald

139. “I’ll admit that I’m deeply closeted, but I’ll never admit that I’m gay.”

— Norm MacDonald

140. “Death is a funny thing. Not funny haha, like a Woody Allen movie, but funny strange, like a Woody Allen marriage.”

— Norm MacDonald

141. “I could not ignore their withering glances. They looked at me the way real vampires look at Count Chocula.”

— Norm MacDonald

142. “The plain truth is that Adam Eget is an alcoholic and that’s why he doesn’t drink. Me, I’m not an alcoholic and that’s why I do drink. Life sure is funny that way.”

— Norm MacDonald

143. “And he was standing there, reading one of those big books. You know the kind. Usually you can’t even understand their stupid titles, and when you try to read them you get one word in and get really sleepy. And it’s so stupid to try anyway, because if the stupid book is any good they’ll make a TV movie out of it and then you can watch that instead.”

— Norm MacDonald

144. “I remember a psychiatrist once telling me that I gamble in order to escape the reality of life, and I told him that’s why everyone does everything.”

— Norm MacDonald

145. “And suddenly I found myself an old man standing in a doorway as Mr. Macdonald spoke of how he didn’t trust Eskimos and never would. I had never felt such instant animus toward anyone.”

— Norm MacDonald

146. “I understood then that it takes a powerful imagination to see a thing for what it really is.”

— Norm MacDonald

147. “On the final night, Adam Sandler told me the following season would be a rough, divisive one, and he wanted to know which side I’d take. I told him I wanted to be on the side of the guy who had shoved the baby tomatoes up his ass. Adam smiled.”

— Norm MacDonald

148. “Long after I left the segment, the term “fake news” became the ordinary way to describe what was done on SNL as well as The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. So who’s the idiot now?”

— Norm MacDonald

149. “The only time having a cult following is a great thing is when you are actually in a cult.”

— Norm MacDonald

150. “Well, the thing is, Norm, you are absolutely correct,” said Lorne. “Jim is nonpareil.” Then he just looked at me. A long time passed – maybe forty-five minutes – until I finally said, “All right, all right. What’s that word mean?”

— Norm MacDonald