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Norm MacDonald Quotes

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Norm MacDonald Quote: “I’m thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.”

I’m thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

— Norm MacDonald



Norm MacDonald Quote: “You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don’t care for him.”

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don’t care for him.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “I don’t know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it’s fun to watch either one of them get beat up.”

I don’t know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it’s fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “RIP Amy Winehouse. We lost a true heroin addict today.”

RIP Amy Winehouse. We lost a true heroin addict today.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there’s always beer.”

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there’s always beer.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. Hey, happy birthday Jesus! Hope you like crap!”

Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. Hey, happy birthday Jesus! Hope you like crap!

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.”

All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “It is easier to hate those we love, than love those whom we have hated.”

It is easier to hate those we love, than love those whom we have hated.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.”

There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it’s the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.”

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it’s the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That’s what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn’t have a stupid opinion about it.”

In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That’s what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn’t have a stupid opinion about it.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “We advise others better than ourselves.”

We advise others better than ourselves.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.”

Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.”

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.”

Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “I don’t have any ego about it, but I find there’s not a great work ethic in show business. A lot of people are in it to make money, and coming from stand-up, you have to work so hard because almost nothing works, and if you lose the audience for three minutes, you’re dead.”

I don’t have any ego about it, but I find there’s not a great work ethic in show business. A lot of people are in it to make money, and coming from stand-up, you have to work so hard because almost nothing works, and if you lose the audience for three minutes, you’re dead.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “Never raise expectations in others that you cannot realize: promise is less pleasing than disappointment is vexatious.”

Never raise expectations in others that you cannot realize: promise is less pleasing than disappointment is vexatious.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “Few criminals die sensible of their crimes.”

Few criminals die sensible of their crimes.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “Your worst and most dangerous enemy is the person that injures you under the pretensions of friendship.”

Your worst and most dangerous enemy is the person that injures you under the pretensions of friendship.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “Ignorance is better than knowledge misapplied.”

Ignorance is better than knowledge misapplied.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that’s a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.”

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that’s a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I’ve seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he’s lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.”

Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I’ve seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he’s lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “I don’t know anything about politics. I wouldn’t put too much into my prediction on politics.”

I don’t know anything about politics. I wouldn’t put too much into my prediction on politics.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading.”

The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.”

Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “He that searches for praise will often find contempt.”

He that searches for praise will often find contempt.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny.”

Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don’t know. Probably died.”

My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don’t know. Probably died.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong.”

Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “The man that does not fear punishment, little regards crime.”

The man that does not fear punishment, little regards crime.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter’s moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.”

Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter’s moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “We would seldom be deceived by flattery, did our own conceit not promote the delusion.”

We would seldom be deceived by flattery, did our own conceit not promote the delusion.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “OJ Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children. In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, OJ pointed out quote ‘Hey, they’re still alive, aren’t they?’”

OJ Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children. In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, OJ pointed out quote ‘Hey, they’re still alive, aren’t they?’

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “I don’t do much. I’m too lazy. That’s my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow – a big truck could hit me – paralyze me from the neck down. Wouldn’t effect my lifestyle a bit really.”

I don’t do much. I’m too lazy. That’s my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow – a big truck could hit me – paralyze me from the neck down. Wouldn’t effect my lifestyle a bit really.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “The Rolling Stones reunited for a twenty-fifth anniversary tour last week. Keith Richards said that he’s happy to continue to do what he’s been doing for the past twenty-five years: cheating death.”

The Rolling Stones reunited for a twenty-fifth anniversary tour last week. Keith Richards said that he’s happy to continue to do what he’s been doing for the past twenty-five years: cheating death.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “Imprudent restrictions often force youth farther than enticement would carry them; and careless limitation is frequently worse than no injunction.”

Imprudent restrictions often force youth farther than enticement would carry them; and careless limitation is frequently worse than no injunction.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “Education makes some men wiser, others more ridiculous and foolish!”

Education makes some men wiser, others more ridiculous and foolish!

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “Love is an artful arrangement of artless pretensions, whereby we labor to appear innocent in what we desire to be most cunning.”

Love is an artful arrangement of artless pretensions, whereby we labor to appear innocent in what we desire to be most cunning.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.”

Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “After months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she’s gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay.”

After months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she’s gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.”

With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “It is the folly of weak-minded people, to imagine they are what flattery or conceit represents them; and that it is useless for them to be what they are not, since they seem already to have acquired the reputation of it.”

It is the folly of weak-minded people, to imagine they are what flattery or conceit represents them; and that it is useless for them to be what they are not, since they seem already to have acquired the reputation of it.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude.”

It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “I like doing a funny show where I don’t have to act and fall in love with a girl.”

I like doing a funny show where I don’t have to act and fall in love with a girl.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.”

The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “Whenever I do theaters, I don’t like ’em. I don’t think they’re right for stand-up.”

Whenever I do theaters, I don’t like ’em. I don’t think they’re right for stand-up.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “I’ve just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn’t know them, I wouldn’t know they were funny from the television. I don’t know what it does, it just sucks it away.”

I’ve just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn’t know them, I wouldn’t know they were funny from the television. I don’t know what it does, it just sucks it away.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “I started on ‘Saturday Night Live’ the same time Conan started on Late Night. We just had a relationship because I would be upstairs in the studio and whenever he couldn’t get a guest – which was often back then since he was just starting out – he would just call me down to be a guest.”

I started on ‘Saturday Night Live’ the same time Conan started on Late Night. We just had a relationship because I would be upstairs in the studio and whenever he couldn’t get a guest – which was often back then since he was just starting out – he would just call me down to be a guest.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.”

The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.

— Norm MacDonald


Norm MacDonald Quote: “The joy a person is usually seen to express at the conversion of another to his opinion is seldom more than the impulse of egotistical satisfaction at being considered worthy of didactic imitation.”

The joy a person is usually seen to express at the conversion of another to his opinion is seldom more than the impulse of egotistical satisfaction at being considered worthy of didactic imitation.

— Norm MacDonald

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