Top 160 Oliver Markus Malloy Quotes (2025 Update)
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101. “Why is it so hard for many erotica authors to admit that erotica is porn? Everyone loves porn!”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

102. “North Korea, the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, isn’t democratic. The Nazis, the National Socialists, weren’t socialists. And America isn’t the land of the free. It’s all just clever nationalist marketing.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

103. “Medical studies have shown that cursing reduces levels of stress and pain. Repressing your anger is not healthy. It’s much better to verbalize it, and let off steam. Maybe all that repressed anger is the reason why there are so many serial killers in America.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

104. “Hitler’s Nazi mob didn’t think of themselves as the bad guys. They thought of themselves as the victims of evil foreigners. Just like Trump’s MAGA mob.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

105. “Trump only cares how the covid-19 pandemic affects him, his bank account, and his chances of getting re-elected.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

106. “What is love? Love is when your heart has a raging boner.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

107. “While the senate goes on spring break during a deadly pandemic, they’re telling us peasants to go back to work, because the billionaires need more billions.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

108. “Daily mass killings are a uniquely American problem, because in America every halfwit can get his hands on a gun. You know what angry halfwits do in other countries? They throw potatoes.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

109. “Yo mama so stupid, she watches Fox News and voted for Trump.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

110. “Guns are useless against a tyrannical government with tanks and drones.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

111. “No, coronavirus is not just the flu. Covid19 is highly contagious pneumonia. Left untreated pneumonia is often deadly. There are not enough hospitals to treat a pneumonia pandemic.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

112. “How Republicans think: Healthcare for peasants is too expensive. Just let the sick ones die and tell the healthy ones to have more kids. Problem solved.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

113. “There’s a big overlap between conspiracy theorists, racists, gun nuts, doomsday preppers, fans of the rapture and poor white Republicans. They all have one thing in common: They feel like the oppressed underdogs.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

114. “It’s the Yelp effect. Every halfwit who eats food suddenly thinks he’s a food critic. And don’t get me started on people “reviewing” books they didn’t even read. Who needs information, when you can have an uninformed opinion?”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

115. “Trump’s most fanatic supporters will never admit that he is anything less than the Second Coming of Christ, because it is much easier to brainwash someone into being a zealot than it is to make a zealot realize he has been brainwashed.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

116. “The NRA brainwashes you into believing that you need to buy a bunch of guns, to protect yourself from all the people with guns.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

117. “Apparently Trump voters think God meant for marriage to be between a man, his third wife, and several porn stars.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

118. “What is evil? Causing others to suffer out of malice.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

119. “Why are so many Americans for male circumcision but against female circumcision? Both are equally cruel and barbaric traditions.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

120. “Stop calling yourself an authoress. You sound like an idiotess.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

121. “Our entire life we chase the wrong things because we think having more money and buying more stuff will make us more happy. But it doesn’t. You know why a billionaire has 100 Ferraris? Because 99 weren’t enough.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

122. “If Hitler was alive today he’d be a Republican.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

123. “It’s pretty simple: If we don’t unite behind Biden, Trump wins. Biden may not be everything we want, but Trump is nothing we want.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

124. “Would Jesus build a wall? Would Mother Teresa? No, of course not. They would welcome the refugees and give them free universal healthcare.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

125. “Most anti-science religious fundamentalist is now in charge of America’s biggest science project.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

126. “If it’s true that men and women can be ‘just friends’ then how come all cheaters first start out as ’just friends?”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

127. “If Hollywood was a Republican town, Weinstein would still be president, and he’d still be molesting women.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

128. “Self-identify your gender? Why not self-identify your species, too? I’m a dog now.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

129. “Ever since peasants worked themselves to death to build a pyramid for the Pharaoh, the rich ruling class has sucked the life out of the poor.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

130. “Never forget that the orange clown spent the past 2 months telling us that it’s all just a hoax, and just a flu, instead of preparing the country for the pandemic. The medical supply shortages, and the resulting deaths are Trump’s fault.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

131. “So they tell you to buy stuff. More and more and more stuff. Even if you don’t need any more stuff, buy more stuff! Because capitalism is like a pyramid scheme. It must constantly grow, constantly shovel more money to the top, like a sand monster feeding itself sand, or it dies.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

132. “If Fifty Shades is your idea of a good book, you have no idea what a good book is.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

133. “I liked the ending of The Sopranos. The screen suddenly went black. In the middle of a scene. Without any of the plotlines being resolved. That’s what real life is like. Everything keeps going, until someone turns off the lights and you’re dead. And even then the story continues, without you. There is no such thing as a happy ending.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

134. “Everyone thinks they’re entitled to their 15 minutes of fame. And it’s that narcissism that makes people, who have no business writing a book, think they can write a book.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

135. “Nationalism among nations is like racism among races.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

136. “To the people of Beirut, the post-apocalyptic world of The Umbrella Academy is now a reality. They now live in an obliterated world. From this day forward, they exist in a destroyed world. For them, the End Times just happened.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

137. “Jesus was a socialist.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

138. “Men who are willing to do whatever it takes to gain power over others are morally unfit to wield that power.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

139. “WTF is praying gonna do for Vegas? Apparently God likes mass shootings.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

140. “Did you ever think one day you’d live through a global pandemic, with a doomsday virus, and the Joker is president? Sounds like a bad made-for-TV scifi movie.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

141. “John Oliver, Trevor Noah, Stephen Colbert, Bill Maher and I have the same sense of humor. They’re just better at it than I am.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

142. “If Jesus came back today, Republicans would stop him at the border.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

143. “America is like an isolated information island. A lot of what happens in the rest of the world, a lot of the cultural exchange, never makes it to rural Alabama.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

144. “Introverts think about more than just being introverts.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

145. “When we’re really old, people in the future will interview us, because we lived through one of the biggest events in human history. Like the Spanish flu of 1918 that killed over 50 million people. Or the great depression. Or Pompeii. Or the Titanic.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

146. “Ten short years ago, nobody had ever heard of a selfie. But today every decent cell phone has not one but two cameras, so you can take idiotic duck face pictures. And don’t forget the billion dollar selfie-stick industry. Capitalism has found a whole new way to turn our vanity into profit.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

147. “Wanna sound smart and witty? Then quote smart and witty people.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

148. “People looked at him as an orange-faced evil clown with silly hair. Like the Joker in Batman comics. Make Gotham great again!”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

149. “Trump voters hate my books. They can’t stand it when a book makes them think.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

150. “The Wall is nothing more than a talking point Trump uses to trigger his racist and xenophobic base. MAGA minions have been brainwashed by Nazi propaganda techniques to see foreigners as evil monsters who want to exterminate white America, and Trump as their protector who was sent by God.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy