Top 160 Oliver Markus Malloy Quotes (2026 Update)
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101. “Sin more! Otherwise Jesus died for nothing.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

102. “Every couple of days, western news outlets report the latest findings as if it was brand new information. Meanwhile the same stuff has been published in Chinese studies weeks or even months ago. We’re wasting so much valuable time reinventing the wheel.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

103. “This, today, right now, will seem like the good old days in 2 weeks. Things are about to get a hell of a lot worse.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

104. “Dear millennials: Youth is fleeting. Stupid is forever.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

105. “Coronavirus needs a better name. Something bad ass, like the Black Plague. I’m thinking Airborne Aids. Or Flying Herpes.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

106. “Ever since peasants worked themselves to death to build a pyramid for the Pharaoh, the rich ruling class has sucked the life out of the poor.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

107. “Our entire life we chase the wrong things because we think having more money and buying more stuff will make us more happy. But it doesn’t. You know why a billionaire has 100 Ferraris? Because 99 weren’t enough.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

108. “Capitalism is cruelty for money.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

109. “What is evil? Causing others to suffer out of malice.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

110. “Ten short years ago, nobody had ever heard of a selfie. But today every decent cell phone has not one but two cameras, so you can take idiotic duck face pictures. And don’t forget the billion dollar selfie-stick industry. Capitalism has found a whole new way to turn our vanity into profit.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

111. “People looked at him as an orange-faced evil clown with silly hair. Like the Joker in Batman comics. Make Gotham great again!”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

112. “Stop calling yourself an authoress. You sound like an idiotess.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

113. “When historians in the future ask a really old version of me about this pandemic, I’m gonna tell them that Trump’s MAGA minions were the only ones who had no idea what was happening, while the rest of America stared into the abyss.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

114. “Trump only cares how the covid-19 pandemic affects him, his bank account, and his chances of getting re-elected.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

115. “The difference between a writer and an author: Writers call each other writers. Readers call writers authors.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

116. “If everything Fox News says about liberals were actually true, I’d hate liberals too.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

117. “If Fifty Shades is your idea of a good book, you have no idea what a good book is.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

118. “Everyone thinks they’re entitled to their 15 minutes of fame. And it’s that narcissism that makes people, who have no business writing a book, think they can write a book.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

119. “No, coronavirus is not just the flu. It’s highly contagious pneumonia. Covid19 is to the flu what heroin is to aspirin. Vaguely similar, but not at all the same.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

120. “Daily mass killings are a uniquely American problem, because in America every halfwit can get his hands on a gun. You know what angry halfwits do in other countries? They throw potatoes.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

121. “Guns are useless against a tyrannical government with tanks and drones.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

122. “How Republicans think: Healthcare for peasants is too expensive. Just let the sick ones die and tell the healthy ones to have more kids. Problem solved.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

123. “Medical studies have shown that cursing reduces levels of stress and pain. Repressing your anger is not healthy. It’s much better to verbalize it, and let off steam. Maybe all that repressed anger is the reason why there are so many serial killers in America.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

124. “Pro tip: If you can’t think of anything more interesting to post on social media than a picture of your cup of coffee, you are boring and you have nothing interesting to say.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

125. “It’s the Yelp effect. Every halfwit who eats food suddenly thinks he’s a food critic. And don’t get me started on people “reviewing” books they didn’t even read. Who needs information, when you can have an uninformed opinion?”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

126. “The NRA brainwashes you into believing that you need to buy a bunch of guns, to protect yourself from all the people with guns.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

127. “John Oliver, Trevor Noah, Stephen Colbert, Bill Maher and I have the same sense of humor. They’re just better at it than I am.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

128. “If Hollywood was a Republican town, Weinstein would still be president, and he’d still be molesting women.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

129. “Self-identify your gender? Why not self-identify your species, too? I’m a dog now.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

130. “If you’ve never had actual freedom, you don’t miss it. You can’t miss what you’ve never had.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

131. “The NRA kills more Americans than Muslim terrorists do.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

132. “You know what I love about writing non-fiction? The story is already there. I just have to write it down.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

133. “The only people who try to deny the existence of Russian trolls are Russian trolls.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

134. “Why is it so hard for many erotica authors to admit that erotica is porn? Everyone loves porn!”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

135. “It’s pretty simple: If we don’t unite behind Biden, Trump wins. Biden may not be everything we want, but Trump is nothing we want.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

136. “The problem with Trump voters is, they’re so dumb, they don’t even know how much stuff they don’t know. They just assume nobody else knows more about evolution or global warming than they do. If they don’t understand how it works, they think nobody understands how it works.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

137. “I liked the ending of The Sopranos. The screen suddenly went black. In the middle of a scene. Without any of the plotlines being resolved. That’s what real life is like. Everything keeps going, until someone turns off the lights and you’re dead. And even then the story continues, without you. There is no such thing as a happy ending.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

138. “Why are so many Americans for male circumcision but against female circumcision? Both are equally cruel and barbaric traditions.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

139. “Trump voters hate my books. They can’t stand it when a book makes them think.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

140. “Why ban guns? Let’s give everyone rocket launchers! What could possibly go wrong?”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

141. “Never forget that the orange clown spent the past 2 months telling us that it’s all just a hoax, and just a flu, instead of preparing the country for the pandemic. The medical supply shortages, and the resulting deaths are Trump’s fault.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

142. “Yo mama so stupid, she watches Fox News and voted for Trump.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

143. “There’s a big overlap between conspiracy theorists, racists, gun nuts, doomsday preppers, fans of the rapture and poor white Republicans. They all have one thing in common: They feel like the oppressed underdogs.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

144. “America is like an isolated information island. A lot of what happens in the rest of the world, a lot of the cultural exchange, never makes it to rural Alabama.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

145. “North Korea, the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, isn’t democratic. The Nazis, the National Socialists, weren’t socialists. And America isn’t the land of the free. It’s all just clever nationalist marketing.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

146. “Most anti-science religious fundamentalist is now in charge of America’s biggest science project.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

147. “To the people of Beirut, the post-apocalyptic world of The Umbrella Academy is now a reality. They now live in an obliterated world. From this day forward, they exist in a destroyed world. For them, the End Times just happened.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

148. “Sometimes conspiracy theories are true. Most of the time they’re not.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

149. “So they tell you to buy stuff. More and more and more stuff. Even if you don’t need any more stuff, buy more stuff! Because capitalism is like a pyramid scheme. It must constantly grow, constantly shovel more money to the top, like a sand monster feeding itself sand, or it dies.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

150. “Introverts think about more than just being introverts.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy