Top 160 Oliver Markus Malloy Quotes (2026 Update)
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101. “Have you heard of the ‘Deaths of Despair’ epidemic in rural America? The quality of life in Republican-run red states is so bad, rednecks are literally killing themselves because they’d rather be dead than live in a Republican state for another day.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

102. “You know what I love about writing non-fiction? The story is already there. I just have to write it down.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

103. “The only people who try to deny the existence of Russian trolls are Russian trolls.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

104. “Our entire life we chase the wrong things because we think having more money and buying more stuff will make us more happy. But it doesn’t. You know why a billionaire has 100 Ferraris? Because 99 weren’t enough.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

105. “Capitalism is cruelty for money.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

106. “Owning a gun proves “In God we trust” is a lie. If you actually trusted in God, you wouldn’t feel like you need a gun.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

107. “Even if there were no more books published ever, there are still more books in existence today than anyone can read. And most of them suck. Good luck trying to find a good one. It’s like finding a needle in a hay stack.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

108. “Would Jesus build a wall? Would Mother Teresa? No, of course not. They would welcome the refugees and give them free universal healthcare.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

109. “The coronavirus pandemic is exactly the kind of cataclysmic event that brings about drastic changes. I think Medicare For All and UBI are now inevitable. It’s either that, or complete chaos.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

110. “Stop calling yourself an authoress. You sound like an idiotess.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

111. “Guns make losers feel like winners. That’s why people who suck at life don’t want to give up their guns.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

112. “Claiming to be offended is a great way to elevate yourself at the expense of others: “Look at me! I’m a much better person than you! And I judge you! I condemn you! Shame! Shame! SHAME!”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

113. “Men who are willing to do whatever it takes to gain power over others are morally unfit to wield that power.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

114. “If everything Fox News says about liberals were actually true, I’d hate liberals too.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

115. “If Fifty Shades is your idea of a good book, you have no idea what a good book is.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

116. “Everyone thinks they’re entitled to their 15 minutes of fame. And it’s that narcissism that makes people, who have no business writing a book, think they can write a book.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

117. “No, coronavirus is not just the flu. It’s highly contagious pneumonia. Covid19 is to the flu what heroin is to aspirin. Vaguely similar, but not at all the same.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

118. “Daily mass killings are a uniquely American problem, because in America every halfwit can get his hands on a gun. You know what angry halfwits do in other countries? They throw potatoes.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

119. “Guns are useless against a tyrannical government with tanks and drones.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

120. “How Republicans think: Healthcare for peasants is too expensive. Just let the sick ones die and tell the healthy ones to have more kids. Problem solved.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

121. “Medical studies have shown that cursing reduces levels of stress and pain. Repressing your anger is not healthy. It’s much better to verbalize it, and let off steam. Maybe all that repressed anger is the reason why there are so many serial killers in America.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

122. “Pro tip: If you can’t think of anything more interesting to post on social media than a picture of your cup of coffee, you are boring and you have nothing interesting to say.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

123. “If you think of yourself as a follower of Christ’s teachings, if you consider yourself a good person, you are morally obligated to be against greed. It’s your duty as a good person to be against exploitation. It’s your moral duty to be against predatory capitalism.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

124. “It’s the Yelp effect. Every halfwit who eats food suddenly thinks he’s a food critic. And don’t get me started on people “reviewing” books they didn’t even read. Who needs information, when you can have an uninformed opinion?”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

125. “The NRA brainwashes you into believing that you need to buy a bunch of guns, to protect yourself from all the people with guns.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

126. “What is love? Love is when your heart has a raging boner.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

127. “While the senate goes on spring break during a deadly pandemic, they’re telling us peasants to go back to work, because the billionaires need more billions.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

128. “If Hollywood was a Republican town, Weinstein would still be president, and he’d still be molesting women.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

129. “Self-identify your gender? Why not self-identify your species, too? I’m a dog now.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

130. “The NRA kills more Americans than Muslim terrorists do.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

131. “Why is it so hard for many erotica authors to admit that erotica is porn? Everyone loves porn!”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

132. “It’s pretty simple: If we don’t unite behind Biden, Trump wins. Biden may not be everything we want, but Trump is nothing we want.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

133. “The problem with Trump voters is, they’re so dumb, they don’t even know how much stuff they don’t know. They just assume nobody else knows more about evolution or global warming than they do. If they don’t understand how it works, they think nobody understands how it works.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

134. “I liked the ending of The Sopranos. The screen suddenly went black. In the middle of a scene. Without any of the plotlines being resolved. That’s what real life is like. Everything keeps going, until someone turns off the lights and you’re dead. And even then the story continues, without you. There is no such thing as a happy ending.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

135. “What is evil? Causing others to suffer out of malice.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

136. “Ten short years ago, nobody had ever heard of a selfie. But today every decent cell phone has not one but two cameras, so you can take idiotic duck face pictures. And don’t forget the billion dollar selfie-stick industry. Capitalism has found a whole new way to turn our vanity into profit.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

137. “Why are so many Americans for male circumcision but against female circumcision? Both are equally cruel and barbaric traditions.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

138. “People looked at him as an orange-faced evil clown with silly hair. Like the Joker in Batman comics. Make Gotham great again!”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

139. “Never forget that the orange clown spent the past 2 months telling us that it’s all just a hoax, and just a flu, instead of preparing the country for the pandemic. The medical supply shortages, and the resulting deaths are Trump’s fault.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

140. “Yo mama so stupid, she watches Fox News and voted for Trump.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

141. “There’s a big overlap between conspiracy theorists, racists, gun nuts, doomsday preppers, fans of the rapture and poor white Republicans. They all have one thing in common: They feel like the oppressed underdogs.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

142. “North Korea, the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, isn’t democratic. The Nazis, the National Socialists, weren’t socialists. And America isn’t the land of the free. It’s all just clever nationalist marketing.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

143. “Most anti-science religious fundamentalist is now in charge of America’s biggest science project.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

144. “To the people of Beirut, the post-apocalyptic world of The Umbrella Academy is now a reality. They now live in an obliterated world. From this day forward, they exist in a destroyed world. For them, the End Times just happened.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

145. “Sometimes conspiracy theories are true. Most of the time they’re not.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

146. “So they tell you to buy stuff. More and more and more stuff. Even if you don’t need any more stuff, buy more stuff! Because capitalism is like a pyramid scheme. It must constantly grow, constantly shovel more money to the top, like a sand monster feeding itself sand, or it dies.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

147. “Trump only cares how the covid-19 pandemic affects him, his bank account, and his chances of getting re-elected.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

148. “I think future generations are going to look back at our time period and call this the Age of Narcissism.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

149. “Jesus was a socialist.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

150. “Most Nazis, KKK members, MAGA minions, and other deplorable racists don’t even know they’re racists, because they don’t know that the malicious lies they believe about other races aren’t actually true.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy