Top 120 Roseanne Barr Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.”

— Roseanne Barr

2. “Half the world’s starving; the other half is trying to lose weight.”

— Roseanne Barr

3. “It’s a big culture of mind control too, MK-Ultra mind control rules in Hollywood. If you don’t know that, google it and look into it. It’s really hard for artists to find their voice in the media. It’s levels of brainwashing and mind control.”

— Roseanne Barr

4. “Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.”

— Roseanne Barr

5. “Everything here must be done twice as no one can do it right the first time.”

— Roseanne Barr

Featured in: Firsts Quotes

6. “Laugh every day as much as you can.”

— Roseanne Barr

8. “I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn’t for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.”

— Roseanne Barr

9. “I believe in equal rights for all citizens. One law for all.”

— Roseanne Barr

10. “This bugs me the worst. That’s when the husband thinks that the wife knows where everything is, huh? Like they think the uterus is a tracking device. He comes in: “Hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do we have any Cheetos left?” Like he can’t go over and lift up the sofa cushion himself.”

— Roseanne Barr

11. “Don’t call people names you dirty name caller you.”

— Roseanne Barr

12. “I’m on the mirror diet. You eat all your food in front of a mirror in the nude. It works pretty good, though some of the fancier restaurants don’t go for it.”

— Roseanne Barr

13. “I figure if the kids are alive at the end of the day, I’ve done my job.”

— Roseanne Barr

14. “Excuse the mess, but we live here.”

— Roseanne Barr

15. “I have a fierce eating disorder that has survived even bariatric surgery. I got even fatter after that! Hey, maybe fat people are just trying to get closer to others, did anybody ever that of that?!”

— Roseanne Barr

16. “A good man doesn’t just happen. They have to be created by us women. A guy is a lump like a doughnut.”

— Roseanne Barr

17. “Have you heard about the women who stabbed her husband 37 times? I admire her restraint.”

— Roseanne Barr

18. “I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.”

— Roseanne Barr

19. “I have horrible stage fright – you know how you go through the bi-polar stage fright thing? Then you go on drugs to get over the stage fright and perform, but then you’re not funny at all.”

— Roseanne Barr

20. “I used to think that communing with nature was a healing, positive thing. Now, I think I’d like to commune with other things – like room service and temperature control.”

— Roseanne Barr

21. “I have more money than God, but not as much as Oprah.”

— Roseanne Barr

22. “Your body is your instrument, you play it expertly.”

— Roseanne Barr

23. “There isn’t a problem on this earth that a doughnut cannot make better.”

— Roseanne Barr

24. “A lot of times nerds are really artists listening to the beat of another drummer.”

— Roseanne Barr

25. “I will barnstorm American living rooms. Mainstream media will be unable to ignore me, but more importantly they will be unable to overlook the needs of average Americans in the run-up to the 2012 election.”

— Roseanne Barr

26. “I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it’s safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.”

— Roseanne Barr

27. “I signed a deal with Satan because I wanted to get famous. Then I forgot I had a deal with Satan and then I got really famous.”

— Roseanne Barr

28. “The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just – I don’t think it really can get any better than that, I don’t think.”

— Roseanne Barr

29. “You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps.”

— Roseanne Barr

30. “My best friend Linda is leaving her husband just because he is unfaithful to her. That is no reason to leave the person. I feel like after that, you should stay with them and make sure that the rest of their life is sheer hell.”

— Roseanne Barr

31. “There is no scarier chasm of darkness than the human mind.”

— Roseanne Barr

32. “Whatever helps you sleep is my opinion on the subject, and that’s what I like about the western world’s most popular religion, it has helped put so many people to sleep, although most of them permanently and without their approval.”

— Roseanne Barr

33. “I’m fat and proud of it. If someone asks me how my diet is going, I say ‘Fine – how was your lobotomy?’”

— Roseanne Barr

34. “To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won’t hit you because you are a vegetarian.”

— Roseanne Barr

35. “You’re only seventeen, you’re too young to have a meatloaf recipe... go get something pierced.”

— Roseanne Barr

36. “Here is my personal opinion about prostitution. If men knew how to do it, they wouldn’t have to pay for it.”

— Roseanne Barr

37. “I have five kids from three marriages. I come from a trailer park. My sister and brother are both gay. I have multiple personalities.”

— Roseanne Barr

38. “A lot of men are impotent and it’s very sad. How many of you are impotent? I see. Can’t get your arms up either?”

— Roseanne Barr

39. “I have a huge crush on President George W. Bush. I saw him at a recent fundraiser, and he’s a babe. He’s got that Ronald Reagan charm. I think he’s hot. I respect his wife, but if he wasn’t married I’d be putting on my cowboy boots and coming around.”

— Roseanne Barr

40. “My husband says, ‘Roseanne, don’t you think we ought to talk about our sexual problems?’ Like I’m gonna turn off Wheel of Fortune for that.”

— Roseanne Barr

41. “I call myself a ’domestic goddess.”

— Roseanne Barr

42. “Abortion is a woman’s right.”

— Roseanne Barr

43. “I’m not upset about my divorce. I’m only upset that I’m not a widow.”

— Roseanne Barr

44. “Who’s elk horn do I have to blow in order to get something to eat around here?”

— Roseanne Barr

45. “I got, like, Diane Keaton’s manager, and she was very connected; she had power. And she was like, “Your star is in tears on this comedy. Do you even notice that at all?””

— Roseanne Barr

46. “If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn’t going to be much fun.”

— Roseanne Barr

Featured in: Fun Quotes

47. “My children love me. I’m like the mother they never had.”

— Roseanne Barr

48. “I meditate so I know how to find a peaceful place within to be calm and peaceful.”

— Roseanne Barr

49. “I try to tell people to keep having hope. It’s always what you don’t know and don’t expect that’s gonna be so great.”

— Roseanne Barr

50. “Diets are a temporary solution to a permanent problem.”

— Roseanne Barr