Top 200 Chelsea Handler Quotes (2024 Update)
Page 2 of 5

51. “My mother told me that life isn’t always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.”

— Chelsea Handler

52. “Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.”

— Chelsea Handler

53. “The thought of giving up alcohol crossed my mind too, but I was soon reminded of the promise to Ketel One, Grey Goose, and other top-shelf vodkas that I had made in my early twenties. Never turn your back on someone who has asked nothing in return.”

— Chelsea Handler

54. “My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.”

— Chelsea Handler

55. “I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn’t want him to walk me down the aisle.”

— Chelsea Handler

56. “If someone took the ‘F’ letter off me, I’d be ucked.”

— Chelsea Handler

57. “Amy Winehouse’s mother wrote an open letter to the News of the World newspaper telling Amy she’s worried about her and to please call her. I doubt this is the best way to communicate with Amy – she should try spelling it out in lines of cocaine.”

— Chelsea Handler

58. “I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that’s what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn’t be dishonest about it.”

— Chelsea Handler

59. “I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.”

— Chelsea Handler

60. “I try to not overthink anything. I don’t understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have breasts we can’t show them?”

— Chelsea Handler

61. “Death is agony. There is simply no other way to describe it. It is getting the wind knocked out of you over and over again, and just when you think you have enough strength to take a deep breath, it knocks you down again. There is no break from the pain. It is arduous, unyielding.”

— Chelsea Handler

62. “I have a question. Do you guys think it’s OK to drink while you’re pregnant if you’re planning on giving the baby up for adoption?”

— Chelsea Handler

63. “He was the only person in my family who understood that I was born going through menopause, and that whenever I ate soup, I had to take my top off.”

— Chelsea Handler

64. “There’s a difference between being a class act and being classy. Peeing off the side of a jeep doesn’t mean you’re not classy, it just means you’re a free spirit with a small bladder.”

— Chelsea Handler

65. “Women don’t have to be jealous of other women.”

— Chelsea Handler

66. “I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn’t experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.”

— Chelsea Handler

67. “According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious – Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.”

— Chelsea Handler

68. “A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can’t live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don’t even have to be topless. L’chaim.”

— Chelsea Handler

69. “You know you’re a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.”

— Chelsea Handler

70. “Whereas siblings tend to police you, cousins are your partners in crime.”

— Chelsea Handler

71. “I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I – R2D2? I don’t know what to do with that.”

— Chelsea Handler

72. “My life and my legs have been an open book.”

— Chelsea Handler

73. “I’m not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I’m never on top.”

— Chelsea Handler

74. “The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.”

— Chelsea Handler

75. “I like to laugh. It’s kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to have to not think about anything.”

— Chelsea Handler

76. “Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq.”

— Chelsea Handler

77. “Everyone knows if you’re going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.”

— Chelsea Handler

78. “Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon just got themselves a marriage license. I think before she gets married again Pam needs to slow down and think about whether this is really the man she wants to spend three or four months of her life with.”

— Chelsea Handler

79. “You don’t mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don’t want to be inside of.”

— Chelsea Handler

80. “It’s a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I’ve been living this life for a long time, and I’m over myself.”

— Chelsea Handler

81. “Kristen Stewart always looks like she’s posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.”

— Chelsea Handler

82. “I can’t be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.”

— Chelsea Handler

83. “Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come to expect from Jessica Alba.”

— Chelsea Handler

84. “Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a ‘party favor’ – always fun to be around but she doesn’t have any patience for suffering unless it’s her own.”

— Chelsea Handler

85. “But then, like George Michael in a men’s bathroom, I got cocky.”

— Chelsea Handler

86. “Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?”

— Chelsea Handler

87. “Mexico’s a great place to overcome a drug addiction.”

— Chelsea Handler

88. “Hulk Hogan’s wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon.”

— Chelsea Handler

89. “I don’t understand what apps are on my phone. Why do they ask for passwords? Why do they all ask for different passwords? It’s so frustrating that I end up just reading a book every time I try to go online.”

— Chelsea Handler

90. “I’m very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.”

— Chelsea Handler

91. “Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.”

— Chelsea Handler

92. “A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.”

— Chelsea Handler

93. “I would never sell my dog for a man. I’d sell the man.”

— Chelsea Handler

94. “It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.”

— Chelsea Handler

95. “That’s what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.”

— Chelsea Handler

96. “We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it’s Tuesday I’ll make an exception.”

— Chelsea Handler

97. “Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.”

— Chelsea Handler

98. “David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he never had to worry about driving anywhere – his car drove itself.”

— Chelsea Handler

99. “I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.”

— Chelsea Handler

100. “My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.”

— Chelsea Handler