Top 100

Top 200 Chelsea Handler Quotes (2023 Update)
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Chelsea Handler Quote: “Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That’s a unique way to cover up herpes.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn’t want him to walk me down the aisle.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “If someone took the ‘F’ letter off me, I’d be ucked.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I try to not overthink anything. I don’t understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have breasts we can’t show them?”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I have a question. Do you guys think it’s OK to drink while you’re pregnant if you’re planning on giving the baby up for adoption?”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that’s what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn’t be dishonest about it.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “You know you’re a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can’t live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don’t even have to be topless. L’chaim.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn’t experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious – Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Death is agony. There is simply no other way to describe it. It is getting the wind knocked out of you over and over again, and just when you think you have enough strength to take a deep breath, it knocks you down again. There is no break from the pain. It is arduous, unyielding.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “The thought of giving up alcohol crossed my mind too, but I was soon reminded of the promise to Ketel One, Grey Goose, and other top-shelf vodkas that I had made in my early twenties. Never turn your back on someone who has asked nothing in return.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Whereas siblings tend to police you, cousins are your partners in crime.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I’m not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I’m never on top.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I like to laugh. It’s kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to have to not think about anything.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Everyone knows if you’re going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I – R2D2? I don’t know what to do with that.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “My life and my legs have been an open book.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I can’t be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon just got themselves a marriage license. I think before she gets married again Pam needs to slow down and think about whether this is really the man she wants to spend three or four months of her life with.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Amy Winehouse’s mother wrote an open letter to the News of the World newspaper telling Amy she’s worried about her and to please call her. I doubt this is the best way to communicate with Amy – she should try spelling it out in lines of cocaine.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Women don’t have to be jealous of other women.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “It’s a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I’ve been living this life for a long time, and I’m over myself.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Kristen Stewart always looks like she’s posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “But then, like George Michael in a men’s bathroom, I got cocky.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “You don’t mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don’t want to be inside of.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Mexico’s a great place to overcome a drug addiction.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come to expect from Jessica Alba.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a ‘party favor’ – always fun to be around but she doesn’t have any patience for suffering unless it’s her own.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I don’t understand what apps are on my phone. Why do they ask for passwords? Why do they all ask for different passwords? It’s so frustrating that I end up just reading a book every time I try to go online.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I would never sell my dog for a man. I’d sell the man.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Hulk Hogan’s wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “He was the only person in my family who understood that I was born going through menopause, and that whenever I ate soup, I had to take my top off.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “It’s hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don’t know if they’re gay, if they’re straight, or Bruce Jenner.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “There’s a difference between being a class act and being classy. Peeing off the side of a jeep doesn’t mean you’re not classy, it just means you’re a free spirit with a small bladder.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “That’s what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he never had to worry about driving anywhere – his car drove itself.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I’m very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I have more respect for somebody who’s like, ‘Yeah I like to party, so screw off,’ then for Tara, who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop – two days later.”
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