Top 200 Chelsea Handler Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “Don’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Keep knocking down walls until someone says ‘yes.’”

— Chelsea Handler

2. “You should always speak your mind, and be bold, and be obnoxious, and do whatever you want and don’t let anybody tell you to stop it.”

— Chelsea Handler

3. “Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.”

— Chelsea Handler

4. “A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time.”

— Chelsea Handler

5. “I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it’s because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.”

— Chelsea Handler

6. “I don’t like people who drink decaf coffee it’s like what. Why you drinking it? Like it taste so good? That’s like drinking non alcoholic vodka.”

— Chelsea Handler

Featured in: Coffee Quotes

7. “First of all, who cares if people hate you? There’s always a guarantee that certain people will dislike you. There’s never any guarantee that anyone will like you. So if anyone likes you at all, you’ve already won.”

— Chelsea Handler

Featured in: Fun Quotes

8. “You know what they say, when one door closes, another Belvedere opens.”

— Chelsea Handler

9. “No one tells me what to do – in any capacity.”

— Chelsea Handler

10. “Don’t choose the better guy, choose the guy that’s gonna make you the better girl.”

— Chelsea Handler

11. “There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.”

— Chelsea Handler

12. “When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that’s an exclamation point.”

— Chelsea Handler

13. “I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.”

— Chelsea Handler

14. “It’s been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.”

— Chelsea Handler

15. “The important thing is to be drunk.”

— Chelsea Handler

16. “I want to start saying bad words all the time!”

— Chelsea Handler

17. “I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn’t a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.”

— Chelsea Handler

18. “I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn’t be a problem.”

— Chelsea Handler

19. “It’s hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.”

— Chelsea Handler

20. “The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won’t put out.”

— Chelsea Handler

21. “I like to stay at home and sit on my ass.”

— Chelsea Handler

22. “Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”

— Chelsea Handler

23. “I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn’t say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I’d have no friends.”

— Chelsea Handler

24. “There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers.”

— Chelsea Handler

25. “We women have to stick together.”

— Chelsea Handler

26. “Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.”

— Chelsea Handler

27. “Maybe they should name more drugs cute things. I don’t do meth, but maybe if they called meth ‘Stefanie’ I would!”

— Chelsea Handler

28. “I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense.”

— Chelsea Handler

29. “When I don’t know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won’t anyone date me?”

— Chelsea Handler

30. “I don’t think the problem is telling people you’re on a diet. The problem is eating ice cream for breakfast.”

— Chelsea Handler

31. “My father has a high opinion of his opinion.”

— Chelsea Handler

32. “I understand that if you’re a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.”

— Chelsea Handler

33. “Paula Abdul’s really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she’s going to go crazy-er.”

— Chelsea Handler

34. “There’s a reason you never see anyone’s house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they’re not even worth mentioning.”

— Chelsea Handler

35. “I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever.”

— Chelsea Handler

36. “My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.”

— Chelsea Handler

37. “The face of an angel, the mind of a devil, and a heart of gold.”

— Chelsea Handler

38. “If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.”

— Chelsea Handler

39. “I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and salsa. Like I was gonna let that guy get away – I don’t think so.”

— Chelsea Handler

40. “If diamonds are a girl’s best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl’s best friend 5 days out of the month?”

— Chelsea Handler

41. “Everyone is coming from a place of fear and my feeling is stop being so afraid. If something doesn’t work then that’s fine at least then you know it doesn’t work. Don’t worry so much about it not working, you can always fix that.”

— Chelsea Handler

42. “There’s tons of information on the Internet, so if you type in cancer, they’ll give you 15, 000 different options to get involved with cancer. It’s very easy to get involved if you want to get involved, especially to volunteer your time.”

— Chelsea Handler

Featured in: Volunteer Quotes

43. “I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don’t even know I’m saying bad things about them. I’ve run into Paris Hilton and she’s like, Oh, I love your show. And I’m like, You can’t love my show if you can hear.”

— Chelsea Handler

44. “Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics – I’ve never needed a drink more badly in my life.”

— Chelsea Handler

45. “Even if times are tough and you’re enduring a terrible heartache, it’s important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.”

— Chelsea Handler

46. “Angelina Jolie’s older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it’s not that weird. After all, he could be the father.”

— Chelsea Handler

47. “Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out – why not just wait until you’re crowning?”

— Chelsea Handler

48. “Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That’s a unique way to cover up herpes.”

— Chelsea Handler

49. “If you judge a person by the company they keep, then I’m retarded.”

— Chelsea Handler

50. “Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house – obviously, they’ll have a turkey with all-white meat.”

— Chelsea Handler