Top 100

Top 200 Chelsea Handler Quotes (2023 Update)
Page 3 of 5

Chelsea Handler Quote: “It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush’s reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I’ve tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Most republicans are against contraception because they don’t care about it. You can’t get pregnant anally anyway.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it’s Tuesday I’ll make an exception.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I’ve never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you’re talking about Britney Spears over and over, it’s very hard to keep that interesting.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Sisters. Only a sister knows how to comfort a sister. Period. End of story. Men can give us a hug or pat us on the back, but only a girl will get another girl off her feet to face the rain.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “They travel in groups. You never see an Asian by their self.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I wanted to learn how to forgive.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I just peed and forgot to take off my underwear.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I didn’t know that my brother’s death was defining me. I didn’t know that I had the ability to say no to being defined by death. Now I was with a person who could help me process what happened and turn the parts of me that acted like a nine-year-old into a self-actualized adult who had come to a better understanding of what it means to dig deep and admit your pain – thereby beginning the process of relinquishing it.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I don’t like people who have babies and act like they did something that the rest of us can’t figure out. Anybody can have one, OK? I could have had three if I had gone through with any of my pregnancies.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “If you have to work at McDonald’s, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “It’s a pleasure to play my sister because everything I’ve accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there’s nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “That’s Al Qaeda’s new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Boy George has been charged with falsely imprisoning a man who’d gone to his apartment to pose for photographs. Going to Boy George’s house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield’s island for a radio opportunity.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “The people who live in sadness tend to be depressives and can struggle with that their entire lives. They typically have huge amounts of empathy for others. These people also tend to love animals more than the average person loves animals. They are sensitive to others and are typically great listeners, but again, they can also have serious issues with depression.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “She cried the first time she was pulled over by a cop. I explained to her that there is no reason to cry when getting pulled over – unless you’re coming directly from from a crime scene.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “If you can’t trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied – so much so that there were days when I was like, ‘I can’t go to school today.’ I was too scared.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I’m always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I know they don’t recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “You don’t give something away because it’s fat. You take it and you look at it.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Unless you’re playing Who’s Hiding the Ecstasy?, I don’t think I’m gonna be able to make it. I’ve got plans.” Don’t married people know that the last thing a single person wants to do on a Friday night is play a nutty game of Yahtzee? I’d rather take a bubble bath with my father.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That’s 245 months in Jack Bauer years.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris – sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I’ll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I think it’s important to be involved with charities that don’t necessarily reflect what you’re dealing with in your life.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It’s really sad, because that’s what my show is all about – what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Sometimes I just have to rock myself back and forth and say, “You’ve offended so many people at this point. Don’t try to keep track now, girl.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “I don’t know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he’s still alive.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Older dogs are special because they have had more rejection. Their hope is gone and, even though no one seems to know exactly how old any rescue dog is, when you adopt an older dog you are cramming their last years with love and giving them the security that comes with knowing they have a home.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “A lot of people think that keying a car isn’t the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Everything with me had always been black and white. Life or death. I wanted more gray. I wanted to learn how to forgive.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “To always trust my instincts, to always believe I have something to offer – no matter how meaningless or stupid it may be – and to never listen to anyone who tells you ‘no.’”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “When I look at all the people that I have working for me and the company I’ve started and all the people that benefit from it and have a living because of it, it’s very motivating to continue to do it.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn’t take them long to impregnate women.”
Chelsea Handler Quote: “No person is just one thing. People can be filled with light and affection and also be tortured and conniving and dishonest. Happiness can coincide with great pain. One can lead while also following, the same way one can follow while also leading.”
PREV 1 2 3 4 5 NEXT
Strong Quotes
Firsts Quotes
Reading Quotes
Fun Quotes
Country Quotes
Coffee Quotes
Volunteer Quotes
Motivational Quotes
Inspirational Entrepreneurship Quotes
Positive Quotes
Albert Einstein Quotes
Startup Quotes

Beautiful Wallpapers and Images

We hope you enjoyed our collection of 200 free pictures with Chelsea Handler Quotes.

All of the images on this page were created with QuoteFancy Studio.

Use QuoteFancy Studio to create high-quality images for your desktop backgrounds, blog posts, presentations, social media, videos, posters and more.

Learn more