Top 200 Chelsea Handler Quotes (2025 Update)
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101. “That’s what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.”

— Chelsea Handler

102. “We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it’s Tuesday I’ll make an exception.”

— Chelsea Handler

103. “Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.”

— Chelsea Handler

104. “David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he never had to worry about driving anywhere – his car drove itself.”

— Chelsea Handler

105. “I’ve never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.”

— Chelsea Handler

106. “I didn’t know that my brother’s death was defining me. I didn’t know that I had the ability to say no to being defined by death. Now I was with a person who could help me process what happened and turn the parts of me that acted like a nine-year-old into a self-actualized adult who had come to a better understanding of what it means to dig deep and admit your pain – thereby beginning the process of relinquishing it.”

— Chelsea Handler

107. “If you have to work at McDonald’s, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.”

— Chelsea Handler

108. “My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush’s reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I’ve tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.”

— Chelsea Handler

109. “The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you’re talking about Britney Spears over and over, it’s very hard to keep that interesting.”

— Chelsea Handler

110. “Most republicans are against contraception because they don’t care about it. You can’t get pregnant anally anyway.”

— Chelsea Handler

111. “Sisters. Only a sister knows how to comfort a sister. Period. End of story. Men can give us a hug or pat us on the back, but only a girl will get another girl off her feet to face the rain.”

— Chelsea Handler

112. “She cried the first time she was pulled over by a cop. I explained to her that there is no reason to cry when getting pulled over – unless you’re coming directly from from a crime scene.”

— Chelsea Handler

113. “They travel in groups. You never see an Asian by their self.”

— Chelsea Handler

114. “The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.”

— Chelsea Handler

115. “I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied – so much so that there were days when I was like, ‘I can’t go to school today.’ I was too scared.”

— Chelsea Handler

116. “It’s a pleasure to play my sister because everything I’ve accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.”

— Chelsea Handler

117. “Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.”

— Chelsea Handler

118. “I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.”

— Chelsea Handler

119. “Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.”

— Chelsea Handler

120. “The people who live in sadness tend to be depressives and can struggle with that their entire lives. They typically have huge amounts of empathy for others. These people also tend to love animals more than the average person loves animals. They are sensitive to others and are typically great listeners, but again, they can also have serious issues with depression.”

— Chelsea Handler

121. “I wanted to learn how to forgive.”

— Chelsea Handler

122. “Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.”

— Chelsea Handler

123. “I don’t like people who have babies and act like they did something that the rest of us can’t figure out. Anybody can have one, OK? I could have had three if I had gone through with any of my pregnancies.”

— Chelsea Handler

124. “If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there’s nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.”

— Chelsea Handler

125. “You don’t give something away because it’s fat. You take it and you look at it.”

— Chelsea Handler

126. “That’s Al Qaeda’s new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.”

— Chelsea Handler

127. “Boy George has been charged with falsely imprisoning a man who’d gone to his apartment to pose for photographs. Going to Boy George’s house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield’s island for a radio opportunity.”

— Chelsea Handler

128. “Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.”

— Chelsea Handler

129. “If you can’t trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?”

— Chelsea Handler

130. “I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I’ll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.”

— Chelsea Handler

131. “I’m always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little.”

— Chelsea Handler

132. “A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?”

— Chelsea Handler

133. “I know they don’t recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.”

— Chelsea Handler

134. “Unless you’re playing Who’s Hiding the Ecstasy?, I don’t think I’m gonna be able to make it. I’ve got plans.” Don’t married people know that the last thing a single person wants to do on a Friday night is play a nutty game of Yahtzee? I’d rather take a bubble bath with my father.”

— Chelsea Handler

135. “No person is just one thing. People can be filled with light and affection and also be tortured and conniving and dishonest. Happiness can coincide with great pain. One can lead while also following, the same way one can follow while also leading.”

— Chelsea Handler

136. “I learned that adventure is never bad, but the alacrity with which you go through life has an impact on the wisdom that life has to offer you. That slowing down doesn’t mean you have to do less. It means you have to pay attention more and catch what the world is throwing at you. That every situation you put yourself in deserves your full attention, and that each of us has a responsibility to be more aware of ourselves and of others.”

— Chelsea Handler

137. “Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That’s 245 months in Jack Bauer years.”

— Chelsea Handler

138. “I define me. No event or person does this. I define me. I decide who I am and how I’m going to behave, and I choose to be better. To look more carefully, to trudge deeper. To think about other people’s past and not judge someone for doing or handling something differently than I would. To understand my limitations, my shortcomings – that is my growth edge.”

— Chelsea Handler

139. “It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.”

— Chelsea Handler

140. “Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris – sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.”

— Chelsea Handler

141. “I probably do the most for the gay and lesbian community, or LGBT, but I don’t have one that I focus on. I just try and kind of do a lot for different charities.”

— Chelsea Handler

142. “I think it’s important to be involved with charities that don’t necessarily reflect what you’re dealing with in your life.”

— Chelsea Handler

143. “A lot of people think that keying a car isn’t the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.”

— Chelsea Handler

144. “My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It’s really sad, because that’s what my show is all about – what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.”

— Chelsea Handler

145. “In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.”

— Chelsea Handler

146. “Sometimes I just have to rock myself back and forth and say, “You’ve offended so many people at this point. Don’t try to keep track now, girl.”

— Chelsea Handler

147. “I don’t know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.”

— Chelsea Handler

148. “The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he’s still alive.”

— Chelsea Handler

149. “If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would’ve told him I was into cannibalism.”

— Chelsea Handler

150. “Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.”

— Chelsea Handler